this is the song that never ends.... it just goes on and on, my friends....

Well, it's the story of my life. It's a broken record. I'm happy, but I'm depressed. I'm "stable," but I'm not functioning. I'm confident, but I'm terrified. I'm outgoing, but I'm hiding. And no one knows.

I am now getting more depressed than ever when I realized how much older I'm getting. College is becoming but a distant memory, which is really really really sad. When my parents told me that it would be the best years of my life, I had no idea how true it would be. Now here I am more than a decade later, lamenting the fact that I am the least accomplished of everyone I know. Sure I have an active social life, but I am not intellectually involved, passionate about anything or accomplished in any career. I am the classic underachiever, yet I don't understand when I suddenly switched from being an overachiever who was motivated, excited and driven to someone who does the bare minimum to get by.

I need to make a change. What I really need is therapy. My best friend has been telling me this for years. I meet with my psychiatrist about every six weeks so he can gauge how I'm doing and manage my meds. But my day-to-day problems continue to persist and persist and persist. Like I said, it's a broken record. Read any of my posts in this blog. Nothing has changed. Pathetic really.

Now I'm holed up in my apartment when I should be out celebrating Shabbat with friends or strangers. It matters not. But I'm alone. I've isolated myself. I want to cry.

And I'm being melodramatic, it's true. I should set some goals for myself. I should celebrate the small steps in the right direction. 'Cause that's what it takes. That's how I can start.