I am in a rut...mostly

My social life is good, but I can't get my life together otherwise. I have been staying in bed and doing nothing all day for days on end. Yet, when I go out and see friends and take trips, I am pretty much fine. I just have no internal motivation, nothing to drive me to move forward in any respect. I don't even have it in me to clean my room or organize my desk. I feel like I can't get anything accomplished unless my living space is comfortable and clear.

In any case, I need to get my shit together because my unemployment benefits are running out and I kind of need to pay my bills! I did do a focus group a couple weeks ago which was pretty awesome. I need to do more of those - what an easy way to make money. In fact, I'd probably be pretty good as the focus group facilitator. The chick simply facilitated a conversation with us, something which I am pretty good at.

So despite it all, summer in NYC is pretty cool. I have been seeing movies outdoors, going to see performances in Central Park and walking the city in cute sandals.

I also have a budding romance with the gentleman described in the previous post! I got a little bit in over my head after first meeting him, but we have gone out and I do like him... and he *is* a great kisser! We will be going out again this weekend.

Oh and also, I have made a couple new girlfriends who are really fabulous...easy to talk to and up for doing fun things in the city.

I have decided that if I could hold down a decent job that my life would be complete. Except for that, all the pieces of my life are together. I have an apartment, great social life (friends + dating), close family and a love of the city.

As for my chemical (im)balance, I can't quite figure out where I am... a lot of symptoms of depression, but at times, hypomania kind of setting in (this was more apparent a month ago). I am clearly happy and functional when I actually leave the house and interact with others. Hmmm... I will never be normal; even if I become "stabilized," it can only be temporary and there is always the looming threat of regression into one state or another.

Need to get over this all and somehow get inspired...