I received the following notice from them:
Sender: Commerce Bank
Subject: Refunded Payment - Verizon Wireless
Message: The check issued to this payee has not been presented for payment. A refund will be issued to your account within 2-3 business days. If you need further assistance, please contact customer service.
Payee Name: VERIZON WIRELESS
Payment Amount: $103.27
Payment Date: April 10 2006
I guess I somehow missed it balancing my checkbook (too busy with taxes, perhaps), but no complaints here!! Obviously, this could have happened anywhere, but for me, it reflects very well on my bank, too. (they're also open til 8pm and on Sundays!) And that's 100 bucks toward this year's higher bills due to overusage!
Isn't it odd that a corporate entity such as Verizon would manage to screw up and not deposit a consumer's check? As far as I know, they did not carry the charge over to the next bill. And if they did, it doesn't matter because I've still got an extra hundred bucks in my pocket.
That certainly made my day!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Stood Up-date
(part I in previous post)
So I was stood up on Tuesday night, but thoroughly confused as to why because we had a great email/phone rapport and he did not seem like the type of guy to do such a rude thing.
On Wednesday night, I considered going to a class that he said he was going to, just to meet him face-to-face to find out what happened. A friend advised me not to (she actually said it would be psychotic), so I reconsidered and left my would-be beau a voicemail instead. I expressed regret that we didn't meet up, but requested that he call me back to let me know what happened.
No response.
On Thursday night, I sent him a short email saying that I had been worried and asking him to do me the courtesy of replying to tell me what happened.
Then he replied! Very simple & to the point. He said he arrived at the restaurant 15 minutes early (at 7:15) and sat down at a table. His cellphone battery was dead. At 8:15, he ordered food to go and left (right about when I left also). He wrote that he thought I didn't show up.
However, I had been waiting outside the whole time! After arriving right on time and waiting about 10 minutes, I stepped inside to look at the posted menu and took a fast glance around, but as it was a blind date, I didn't want to roam the restaurant looking for a semi-familiar face from a tiny pixelated image. I was also very nervous (usually I am not so nervous on dates) and looked up the block, eagerly waiting for him. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And finally went on with my evening.
My perspective:
* If you were going on a first date, wouldn't you wait to meet the person at the entrance to the establishment? Every time I've gone on a first date, I've met the date at the door. It's only polite to meet at the door and be seated together, isn't it?
* If you were early for said first date and for some reason decided to sit down, wouldn't you be on the look-out for said date?
* If your cell phone battery were dead, wouldn't you take extra care to make sure you covered your bases? Including calling for your messages if you don't see your date after 45 minutes? But also checking the door of the restaurant (esp. at the designated meeting time), telling the hostess you're waiting for someone, sitting at a table outside or near the door, etc.?
I don't like to make accusations, but there is a chance he's lying. Does his story sound legit? His phone DID NOT go straight to voicemail when I called that night, meaning that unless it was broken, the battery was not dead, as he claimed. But other than that, were we both just idiotic? Does he have reason to be annoyed at me? Do I have reason to be annoyed at him? Does this incident mean it's not besheret (meant-to-be)? Or could it be a test?
I was really into him, but now I don't know what to do. At the very least, I will write him back a short message. A male friend of mine suggested that I apologize and "take one for the team." Even if the guy was at fault, too. And my friend couldn't believe that I didn't look around the restaurant. I don't know why I didn't look so hard. I think I just assumed he'd be waiting outside for me....
Questions for the peanut gallery:
Is either of us at fault?
Do you predict that I'll meet up with him again? Date him? Marry him?
only kidding.....sort of.....
So I was stood up on Tuesday night, but thoroughly confused as to why because we had a great email/phone rapport and he did not seem like the type of guy to do such a rude thing.
On Wednesday night, I considered going to a class that he said he was going to, just to meet him face-to-face to find out what happened. A friend advised me not to (she actually said it would be psychotic), so I reconsidered and left my would-be beau a voicemail instead. I expressed regret that we didn't meet up, but requested that he call me back to let me know what happened.
No response.
On Thursday night, I sent him a short email saying that I had been worried and asking him to do me the courtesy of replying to tell me what happened.
Then he replied! Very simple & to the point. He said he arrived at the restaurant 15 minutes early (at 7:15) and sat down at a table. His cellphone battery was dead. At 8:15, he ordered food to go and left (right about when I left also). He wrote that he thought I didn't show up.
However, I had been waiting outside the whole time! After arriving right on time and waiting about 10 minutes, I stepped inside to look at the posted menu and took a fast glance around, but as it was a blind date, I didn't want to roam the restaurant looking for a semi-familiar face from a tiny pixelated image. I was also very nervous (usually I am not so nervous on dates) and looked up the block, eagerly waiting for him. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And finally went on with my evening.
My perspective:
* If you were going on a first date, wouldn't you wait to meet the person at the entrance to the establishment? Every time I've gone on a first date, I've met the date at the door. It's only polite to meet at the door and be seated together, isn't it?
* If you were early for said first date and for some reason decided to sit down, wouldn't you be on the look-out for said date?
* If your cell phone battery were dead, wouldn't you take extra care to make sure you covered your bases? Including calling for your messages if you don't see your date after 45 minutes? But also checking the door of the restaurant (esp. at the designated meeting time), telling the hostess you're waiting for someone, sitting at a table outside or near the door, etc.?
I don't like to make accusations, but there is a chance he's lying. Does his story sound legit? His phone DID NOT go straight to voicemail when I called that night, meaning that unless it was broken, the battery was not dead, as he claimed. But other than that, were we both just idiotic? Does he have reason to be annoyed at me? Do I have reason to be annoyed at him? Does this incident mean it's not besheret (meant-to-be)? Or could it be a test?
I was really into him, but now I don't know what to do. At the very least, I will write him back a short message. A male friend of mine suggested that I apologize and "take one for the team." Even if the guy was at fault, too. And my friend couldn't believe that I didn't look around the restaurant. I don't know why I didn't look so hard. I think I just assumed he'd be waiting outside for me....
Questions for the peanut gallery:
Is either of us at fault?
Do you predict that I'll meet up with him again? Date him? Marry him?
only kidding.....sort of.....
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Stood Up
Yep. I was stood up this evening. For the very first time. Ordinarily (were such a situation to occur), I would have been annoyed and a little disappointed, but tonight, I was bewildered and a lot disappointed.
It's wrong to set your expectations too high, but I was really into this guy (I met him online.) He seems very genuine. Down-to-earth. Funny. Sentimental. Self-aware. Connected to Judaism & Israel. He's also older than the men I usually date: 35. But I overlooked the age thing because I thought he had so much potential.
He chose a really nifty little cafe in the Village for us to meet at tonight. And then he didn't show :( I was antsy while I was waiting, but I wasn't really annoyed because I'm always the late one. I felt like I was getting a taste of my own medicine. Worry and disappointment were really the emotions I experienced, not anger.
In any case, after 30 minutes, I left him a voicemail. After 45 minutes, I browsed the bookstore next door. And after 60 minutes, I headed down the street, and treated myself to a lovely meal at a French bistro with live music. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And deserved it. My evening ended up just fine, but I do hope everything is okay with him. :(
And I'll let you know when I hear more...
PS Have any of you ever stood up a date? If so, why & what happened?
It's wrong to set your expectations too high, but I was really into this guy (I met him online.) He seems very genuine. Down-to-earth. Funny. Sentimental. Self-aware. Connected to Judaism & Israel. He's also older than the men I usually date: 35. But I overlooked the age thing because I thought he had so much potential.
He chose a really nifty little cafe in the Village for us to meet at tonight. And then he didn't show :( I was antsy while I was waiting, but I wasn't really annoyed because I'm always the late one. I felt like I was getting a taste of my own medicine. Worry and disappointment were really the emotions I experienced, not anger.
In any case, after 30 minutes, I left him a voicemail. After 45 minutes, I browsed the bookstore next door. And after 60 minutes, I headed down the street, and treated myself to a lovely meal at a French bistro with live music. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And deserved it. My evening ended up just fine, but I do hope everything is okay with him. :(
And I'll let you know when I hear more...
PS Have any of you ever stood up a date? If so, why & what happened?
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
New York City and Education
Read the below quote from an ad for an event at the JCC.
"Applying to school can be an overwhelming and anxiety-producing process. Join our distinguished panel to get some of your questions answered: when to apply... how to choose the right school for your child, interviews, first choice letters, and how to survive the process."
Sounds just like applying to college, right? Well, I left out the third word in that blurb. That word is "nursery." Applying to nursery school is as stressful as applying to college. Just ridiculous!
This is only one of the many reasons I refuse to raise my children in Manhattan.
"Applying to school can be an overwhelming and anxiety-producing process. Join our distinguished panel to get some of your questions answered: when to apply... how to choose the right school for your child, interviews, first choice letters, and how to survive the process."
Sounds just like applying to college, right? Well, I left out the third word in that blurb. That word is "nursery." Applying to nursery school is as stressful as applying to college. Just ridiculous!
This is only one of the many reasons I refuse to raise my children in Manhattan.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Labor Day & Other Musings
Haha. An Israeli friend of mine asked me if "Labor Day" referred to giving birth or to work. I replied "giving birth" with a straight face and looked him right in the eye for about 5 seconds before cracking up.
On that note, it would most certainly be disrespectful were I to work today. "Work" as in looking for work! Instead I will probably go hang out in Central Park. There is a frum gathering (frum means Orthodox Jews), but I am so sick of that "scene," that I will avoid it altogether.
Yesterday, I had a nice mini-PDA session in CP with this guy I just started dating. The unfortunate thing is that I'm not really that into him. He's cute and fun, but I just don't feel a deeper connection. I don't think he does either, but he does seem to like me more than I like him. And then I get into the "pretend" game because it's just fun to walk around holding hands and smooching. After he closes a couple deals, he wants to take me on vacation. Why not?! (I have my doubts that this would materialize, but it would be cool!) What I also like about him is that he respects me and isn't so sex-obsessed. Or at least not outwardly so. It's been 3 dates, but I haven't invited him up and we've just had fun going out. I guess this is "dating" in my mom's old-fashioned way. It's so different from the experiences I've had in the past. I must admit that I like it, though if we go on vacation, we'd be sleeping together. Even if I plan not to, I don't have that kind of self-control with a sexy Israeli :)
I went out dancing the other night. It happened to be one of these clubs where everyone just did their own thing. No judgments. Just wild crazy dancing and having fun. I was with some girlfriends. Hanging out with gfs is sometimes more fun than mixed company.
Anyway, I'm going into this coming month UNINSURED. Not that it's such an uncommon thing. I used to think that those ststistics of how many Americans were uninsured referred to the low-income demographic, but I've realized over the last few years that is not necessarily the case. I have peers who ride life by the seat of their pants, without insurance. Keep your fingers crossed that nothing terrible happens to me (though I can sign up for a policy that would be retroactive to Sept. 1st).
I am writing for the sake of writing right now, but it's actually in response to a couple emails I received (yes, I have fans!) Some people want to hear what's new in my life. That is pretty neat.
In any case, I cannot meet up with anyone because that would mean disclosing my identity. Even my best friends don't know about this blog. I like having an audience, but I'm writing my innermost secrets here and would be mortified to meet a stranger who knew me so intimately.
Keep the comments coming! And/or email me at singlegalnyc@hotmail.com
On that note, it would most certainly be disrespectful were I to work today. "Work" as in looking for work! Instead I will probably go hang out in Central Park. There is a frum gathering (frum means Orthodox Jews), but I am so sick of that "scene," that I will avoid it altogether.
Yesterday, I had a nice mini-PDA session in CP with this guy I just started dating. The unfortunate thing is that I'm not really that into him. He's cute and fun, but I just don't feel a deeper connection. I don't think he does either, but he does seem to like me more than I like him. And then I get into the "pretend" game because it's just fun to walk around holding hands and smooching. After he closes a couple deals, he wants to take me on vacation. Why not?! (I have my doubts that this would materialize, but it would be cool!) What I also like about him is that he respects me and isn't so sex-obsessed. Or at least not outwardly so. It's been 3 dates, but I haven't invited him up and we've just had fun going out. I guess this is "dating" in my mom's old-fashioned way. It's so different from the experiences I've had in the past. I must admit that I like it, though if we go on vacation, we'd be sleeping together. Even if I plan not to, I don't have that kind of self-control with a sexy Israeli :)
I went out dancing the other night. It happened to be one of these clubs where everyone just did their own thing. No judgments. Just wild crazy dancing and having fun. I was with some girlfriends. Hanging out with gfs is sometimes more fun than mixed company.
Anyway, I'm going into this coming month UNINSURED. Not that it's such an uncommon thing. I used to think that those ststistics of how many Americans were uninsured referred to the low-income demographic, but I've realized over the last few years that is not necessarily the case. I have peers who ride life by the seat of their pants, without insurance. Keep your fingers crossed that nothing terrible happens to me (though I can sign up for a policy that would be retroactive to Sept. 1st).
I am writing for the sake of writing right now, but it's actually in response to a couple emails I received (yes, I have fans!) Some people want to hear what's new in my life. That is pretty neat.
In any case, I cannot meet up with anyone because that would mean disclosing my identity. Even my best friends don't know about this blog. I like having an audience, but I'm writing my innermost secrets here and would be mortified to meet a stranger who knew me so intimately.
Keep the comments coming! And/or email me at singlegalnyc@hotmail.com
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Things about me
(in no particular order)
(this has been a work in progress)
1. My favorite color is turquoise.
2. I am a nice Jewish girl in New York, but I am not a JAP.
3. I am bipolar.
4. I am grossly underpaid.
5. I graduated college with highest honors.
6. I drink lots of water.
7. I recently got addicted to Sudoku.
8. My little sister is getting married.
9. It takes me 10 minutes to choose an ice cream flavor.
10. I hate shopping. Mostly because I can't afford anything.
11. I miss sex.
12. I have lots of photos that are not yet in albums.
13. I will never ever use anything but Tide and Skippy (for detergent & PB, that is!)
14. I wonder if I've already met my soulmate (besheret).
15. I am a good shmoozer, but it's not my favorite activity.
16. I love play-doh. I might buy some for myself.
17. I don't have a doorman.
18. I have furniture that came off the street.
19. I might start playing tennis again.
20. I give dirty looks to rude people in subway stations.
21. Sushi is a recent obsession. And anything else with avocado.
22. My neighborhood keeps getting trendier. I like to think I am a trend-setter.
23. I need a vacation. Like I *really* need a vacation.
24. I'm not so great at holding down jobs.
25. I want to grow up. Or revert back to age 8.
26. I am genuine and generous and ingenious. Okay, maybe not ingenious.
27. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. This sometimes gets me in trouble.
28. I write to journalists and Congressman regarding Israel mostly.
29. I hide my medications and am paranoid that people will find out my condition. It's such a stigma.
30. I enjoy going to events alone. It allows me more freedom. I met an ex this way.
31. I can't stand pretension.
32. I went to 2 movies alone last week. It was very liberating.
33. I haven't been on a date in 4 months.
34. I haven't had sex in 11 months.
35. I have 5 dates this coming week. When it rains, it pours.
36. I have 2 best friends and I love them. I wonder if they know.
37. I love playing in the rain. I usually leave my umbrella at home.
38. I collect cool magnets. And shot glasses.
39. I've been to Disney World 3 times.
40. I've been to Israel 7 times.
41. I've been in love once. In Israel.
42. I have a pretty mean conscience. I guess this is a good thing.
43. I can be very flirty. I can also be very misleading. Unintentionally.
44. I am always late. Always.
45. My last date told me I was gorgeous and sweet and special. Wow, ego boost.
46. I save my spare change for tzedakah. Except quarters go to the laundry fund :)
47. I feel like I lose friends when they get married.
48. I'm my grandma's favorite (of 9) and she has told me so. She rocks. I love her so much.
49. It is very hard for me to stay on task.
50. I learned to ride my bike at the beach.
51. My dad taught me how to parallel park. I've gotten into NYC spaces with one inch on each side. I exaggerate not.
52. My mom is my pillar of strength. But she's also a pain in my ass.
53. I am trying to figure out where I am Jewishly.
54. I am not a fan of the "real world." And I don't mean the show.
54 is good. It's triple chai. Enough for today. Maybe another day, I'll have some more interesting & random facts about me.
(this has been a work in progress)
1. My favorite color is turquoise.
2. I am a nice Jewish girl in New York, but I am not a JAP.
3. I am bipolar.
4. I am grossly underpaid.
5. I graduated college with highest honors.
6. I drink lots of water.
7. I recently got addicted to Sudoku.
8. My little sister is getting married.
9. It takes me 10 minutes to choose an ice cream flavor.
10. I hate shopping. Mostly because I can't afford anything.
11. I miss sex.
12. I have lots of photos that are not yet in albums.
13. I will never ever use anything but Tide and Skippy (for detergent & PB, that is!)
14. I wonder if I've already met my soulmate (besheret).
15. I am a good shmoozer, but it's not my favorite activity.
16. I love play-doh. I might buy some for myself.
17. I don't have a doorman.
18. I have furniture that came off the street.
19. I might start playing tennis again.
20. I give dirty looks to rude people in subway stations.
21. Sushi is a recent obsession. And anything else with avocado.
22. My neighborhood keeps getting trendier. I like to think I am a trend-setter.
23. I need a vacation. Like I *really* need a vacation.
24. I'm not so great at holding down jobs.
25. I want to grow up. Or revert back to age 8.
26. I am genuine and generous and ingenious. Okay, maybe not ingenious.
27. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. This sometimes gets me in trouble.
28. I write to journalists and Congressman regarding Israel mostly.
29. I hide my medications and am paranoid that people will find out my condition. It's such a stigma.
30. I enjoy going to events alone. It allows me more freedom. I met an ex this way.
31. I can't stand pretension.
32. I went to 2 movies alone last week. It was very liberating.
33. I haven't been on a date in 4 months.
34. I haven't had sex in 11 months.
35. I have 5 dates this coming week. When it rains, it pours.
36. I have 2 best friends and I love them. I wonder if they know.
37. I love playing in the rain. I usually leave my umbrella at home.
38. I collect cool magnets. And shot glasses.
39. I've been to Disney World 3 times.
40. I've been to Israel 7 times.
41. I've been in love once. In Israel.
42. I have a pretty mean conscience. I guess this is a good thing.
43. I can be very flirty. I can also be very misleading. Unintentionally.
44. I am always late. Always.
45. My last date told me I was gorgeous and sweet and special. Wow, ego boost.
46. I save my spare change for tzedakah. Except quarters go to the laundry fund :)
47. I feel like I lose friends when they get married.
48. I'm my grandma's favorite (of 9) and she has told me so. She rocks. I love her so much.
49. It is very hard for me to stay on task.
50. I learned to ride my bike at the beach.
51. My dad taught me how to parallel park. I've gotten into NYC spaces with one inch on each side. I exaggerate not.
52. My mom is my pillar of strength. But she's also a pain in my ass.
53. I am trying to figure out where I am Jewishly.
54. I am not a fan of the "real world." And I don't mean the show.
54 is good. It's triple chai. Enough for today. Maybe another day, I'll have some more interesting & random facts about me.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Double Whammy
I've always been sensitive to comments that people make about something being "retarded," "so gay," etc. Schizo was a term I never used to think as much about and used it occasionally myself to denote certain situations.
But now I am SO much more aware of how horrible it is to joke about mental issues, sexual preferences, etc. It's just so wrong.
Over the course of the last year or so, I have been faced with comments about bpd and had to cringe (can't say grin, in this case) and bear it. Last night there were two. I'm glad it was a sad movie because my teary eyes (and almost more) would have been normal if noticed.
Here were the two comments:
1. In the movie we were watching, there is a discussion about whether or not this woman was unfit to be a mother and about her husband threatening to hospitalize her. My friend's friend said, "It's nothing a little Lithium can't help." Yes, a mood stabilizer can (no shit) STABILIZE, but it can't CURE, and to make such a comment/joke was extremely insensitive and hurt me deep down.
2. Recently a friend of mine was having a helluva time with disputing a charge on her credit card. She went through several representatives who all told her different things and she was potentially going to lose hundreds of dollars. In describing ths situation, she threw up her arms and said, "They are just so bipolar/schizophrenic." Then she said she shouldn't have said that...i.e. realized it was an exaggeration and insensitive, because this is one of the sweetest people I know. To hear it come out of her mouth was a bit of a shock.
In any case, I'm sad.
The two types of cases (I'm apparently into lists tonight!) I've heard about BPD are:
1. the "success & struggle & ultimate triumph" stories of celebrities and others who have managed to publish books and have happy successful, if sometimes troubled, lives.
2. the sad stories of estrangement, alienation, troubled childhoods, strained relationships and weariness from having a mother/spouse/child with it (or depression or other mental problems).
I fear that my life will be more of #2 than #1. Not to sound like a broken record, but will I meet a man who can handle it all? What are the risks of devastation, etc. to my children? I will have to go off meds to be pregnant (I believe this is true, or perhaps it just majorly increases risks to baby's health) and potentially have major relapses. Is it worth it for me to pursue a conventional path of love, marriage, family? What if it gets all f'ed up because of my problems?
I wish I knew someone in my situation. A nice single Jewish girl in her 20s just trying to have a happy life, make ends meet, etc. There must be many out there, but I don't know where to find them. If you know someone, please put me in touch. It would be nice to have a pen-pal who could relate... singlegalnyc@hotmail.com
But now I am SO much more aware of how horrible it is to joke about mental issues, sexual preferences, etc. It's just so wrong.
Over the course of the last year or so, I have been faced with comments about bpd and had to cringe (can't say grin, in this case) and bear it. Last night there were two. I'm glad it was a sad movie because my teary eyes (and almost more) would have been normal if noticed.
Here were the two comments:
1. In the movie we were watching, there is a discussion about whether or not this woman was unfit to be a mother and about her husband threatening to hospitalize her. My friend's friend said, "It's nothing a little Lithium can't help." Yes, a mood stabilizer can (no shit) STABILIZE, but it can't CURE, and to make such a comment/joke was extremely insensitive and hurt me deep down.
2. Recently a friend of mine was having a helluva time with disputing a charge on her credit card. She went through several representatives who all told her different things and she was potentially going to lose hundreds of dollars. In describing ths situation, she threw up her arms and said, "They are just so bipolar/schizophrenic." Then she said she shouldn't have said that...i.e. realized it was an exaggeration and insensitive, because this is one of the sweetest people I know. To hear it come out of her mouth was a bit of a shock.
In any case, I'm sad.
The two types of cases (I'm apparently into lists tonight!) I've heard about BPD are:
1. the "success & struggle & ultimate triumph" stories of celebrities and others who have managed to publish books and have happy successful, if sometimes troubled, lives.
2. the sad stories of estrangement, alienation, troubled childhoods, strained relationships and weariness from having a mother/spouse/child with it (or depression or other mental problems).
I fear that my life will be more of #2 than #1. Not to sound like a broken record, but will I meet a man who can handle it all? What are the risks of devastation, etc. to my children? I will have to go off meds to be pregnant (I believe this is true, or perhaps it just majorly increases risks to baby's health) and potentially have major relapses. Is it worth it for me to pursue a conventional path of love, marriage, family? What if it gets all f'ed up because of my problems?
I wish I knew someone in my situation. A nice single Jewish girl in her 20s just trying to have a happy life, make ends meet, etc. There must be many out there, but I don't know where to find them. If you know someone, please put me in touch. It would be nice to have a pen-pal who could relate... singlegalnyc@hotmail.com
Friday, March 17, 2006
It Could Be Worse
Leave it to a stand-up comic to instill some inspiration in me. I don't exactly remember the context, but the point was all in the delivery. "It Could Be Worse." And it was funny. People laughed. A friend of mine performed too. He was one of the best comics there :)
Anyway, it (LIFE) could be worse. A guy stopped me politely on the street when I got out of the subway at midnight. He asked me if I was familiar with the pizza/deli place across the street. I said, "Not really. Why?" and he asked me if I could get him some pizza? So I said sure and accompanied him to the pizza place, making a bit of small talk on the way. I want to think I did it out of the kindness of my heart, but I think I also did it because I felt guilty that I hadn't yet fulfilled the Purim mitzvah of giving to the poor.
In any case, he gave me some perspective. I asked how long he's been in NYC and he said his whole life, and on the streets for two years. This pizza was the first food he was eating all day. I asked about food/soup kitchens and he said he goes, but they are not available every day. I asked if he had a place to sleep. "On the subway," he said. "Hopefully I'll crash after I eat this pizza."
I told him that I got a deal on bread: 2 loaves for $2 and told him where to get it. I suggested that it could last a couple weeks! He got excited when I brought this up.
He said his hands were cold. I gave him my gloves. He needs them more than I do. I have other pairs. Those are easily replaceable.
That's the story. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to eat pizza for an hour and pick his brain and hear about his "side of the tracks." (really bad pun NOT intended.)
Why is he worse off? Why doesn't he have family/friends to help him out? If I had a relative or friend in such a position, how much could I help? I could let someone crash with me for 2 weeks, but could I then dismiss him and sit idly by as he roams the streets begging for change?
I may b*tch and complain about lack of career path, lack of money/stress about finances, lack of motivation, frustration in finding a really good guy (with whom I am compatible and who has a big enough heart and strong enough feelings for me to deal with all of my MENTAL SHIT), this stifling city, and the *(*#@^$* bpd itself, but ultimately IT COULD BE WORSE.
Upon reflecting on this incident on my walk home, my brain briefly went into "manic mode," and I thought, "WOW, I could totally interview homeless people and gain so much perspective and put together a book about it and figure out ways to address the crisis." It makes me nervous when manic stuff comes out. Funnily enough, often it comes out in the form of, "Damn, that is SO F'N COOL. I should WRITE A BOOK about it and I could do this and this and this." Fortunately, I am not a dimwit and I recognize that when I bring this up, I'm starting to go manic.....or is that a mistake? Perhaps, I SHOULD be writing about issues that have a powerful impact on me...I mean, I am a strong writer and a great researcher... Hmmmm.... The fine line between normalcy and mania is frustrating as hell! I just don't know who I really am and what ideas/thoughts/plans/actions are reasonable and what is TOO off-the-wall.
....BUT IT COULD BE WORSE...
Anyway, it (LIFE) could be worse. A guy stopped me politely on the street when I got out of the subway at midnight. He asked me if I was familiar with the pizza/deli place across the street. I said, "Not really. Why?" and he asked me if I could get him some pizza? So I said sure and accompanied him to the pizza place, making a bit of small talk on the way. I want to think I did it out of the kindness of my heart, but I think I also did it because I felt guilty that I hadn't yet fulfilled the Purim mitzvah of giving to the poor.
In any case, he gave me some perspective. I asked how long he's been in NYC and he said his whole life, and on the streets for two years. This pizza was the first food he was eating all day. I asked about food/soup kitchens and he said he goes, but they are not available every day. I asked if he had a place to sleep. "On the subway," he said. "Hopefully I'll crash after I eat this pizza."
I told him that I got a deal on bread: 2 loaves for $2 and told him where to get it. I suggested that it could last a couple weeks! He got excited when I brought this up.
He said his hands were cold. I gave him my gloves. He needs them more than I do. I have other pairs. Those are easily replaceable.
That's the story. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to eat pizza for an hour and pick his brain and hear about his "side of the tracks." (really bad pun NOT intended.)
Why is he worse off? Why doesn't he have family/friends to help him out? If I had a relative or friend in such a position, how much could I help? I could let someone crash with me for 2 weeks, but could I then dismiss him and sit idly by as he roams the streets begging for change?
I may b*tch and complain about lack of career path, lack of money/stress about finances, lack of motivation, frustration in finding a really good guy (with whom I am compatible and who has a big enough heart and strong enough feelings for me to deal with all of my MENTAL SHIT), this stifling city, and the *(*#@^$* bpd itself, but ultimately IT COULD BE WORSE.
Upon reflecting on this incident on my walk home, my brain briefly went into "manic mode," and I thought, "WOW, I could totally interview homeless people and gain so much perspective and put together a book about it and figure out ways to address the crisis." It makes me nervous when manic stuff comes out. Funnily enough, often it comes out in the form of, "Damn, that is SO F'N COOL. I should WRITE A BOOK about it and I could do this and this and this." Fortunately, I am not a dimwit and I recognize that when I bring this up, I'm starting to go manic.....or is that a mistake? Perhaps, I SHOULD be writing about issues that have a powerful impact on me...I mean, I am a strong writer and a great researcher... Hmmmm.... The fine line between normalcy and mania is frustrating as hell! I just don't know who I really am and what ideas/thoughts/plans/actions are reasonable and what is TOO off-the-wall.
....BUT IT COULD BE WORSE...
Thursday, January 26, 2006
If I committed suicide...
...how many people would come to my funeral?
Does anyone ever wonder that?
Recently, a girl my age was hit by a car. She got 400 (to the funeral). It was a "tragedy." The community rallied together. A friend of a friend told me she was sick of hearing about it. Do people get idolized too much in death?
I guess I'd be pitied if I committed suicide. Lots of hushed whispers. What ifs. Why didn't I know? Why did no one know? She seemed so happy. Life was going her way. Lots of gossiping.
What if I died the regular way? What would be different? Less pity. More sympathy. No family shame. No Jewish shame.
Why am I so morbid?
What would the world be without me? Would much be different? How many people do I matter to anyway? No more than a handful. Worth preserving my life for? Do I matter to myself? Will I ever matter to anyone who wants to marry me and have a family, despite my problems? And if I do, could we still be happy? Would I succeed at not alientating, like so many others I know with depression & bpd?
What terrible thoughts. Yet thoughts nonetheless. I'm not really suicidal. Just introspective. And really really sad when I think about my future. (And my present).
Does anyone ever wonder that?
Recently, a girl my age was hit by a car. She got 400 (to the funeral). It was a "tragedy." The community rallied together. A friend of a friend told me she was sick of hearing about it. Do people get idolized too much in death?
I guess I'd be pitied if I committed suicide. Lots of hushed whispers. What ifs. Why didn't I know? Why did no one know? She seemed so happy. Life was going her way. Lots of gossiping.
What if I died the regular way? What would be different? Less pity. More sympathy. No family shame. No Jewish shame.
Why am I so morbid?
What would the world be without me? Would much be different? How many people do I matter to anyway? No more than a handful. Worth preserving my life for? Do I matter to myself? Will I ever matter to anyone who wants to marry me and have a family, despite my problems? And if I do, could we still be happy? Would I succeed at not alientating, like so many others I know with depression & bpd?
What terrible thoughts. Yet thoughts nonetheless. I'm not really suicidal. Just introspective. And really really sad when I think about my future. (And my present).
Monday, January 09, 2006
What's up with that?
There's this guy:
1. I dated him.
2. It lasted about a month.
3. Then he dumped me to be just "friends."
4. Now he calls me constantly, invites me places and invites himself over my place.
5. And he tries to hook up with me. (Usually I acquiesce!)
What is up?? I should give him the cold shoulder until he wants to properly date me and take me out, but honestly, I don't really feel jerked around because I'm "just not that into him." (like that book: "He's Just Not That Into You.") We have fun together and he certainly makes me laugh, but he's definitely not my besheret (soulmate).
Hmmmm.... not requesting advice... Just commenting on screwed up guys. I mean, he's in his early 30s... you'd think he would be a bit more serious by now. Can we say "COMMITMENT ISSUES" ??
Cheers...
1. I dated him.
2. It lasted about a month.
3. Then he dumped me to be just "friends."
4. Now he calls me constantly, invites me places and invites himself over my place.
5. And he tries to hook up with me. (Usually I acquiesce!)
What is up?? I should give him the cold shoulder until he wants to properly date me and take me out, but honestly, I don't really feel jerked around because I'm "just not that into him." (like that book: "He's Just Not That Into You.") We have fun together and he certainly makes me laugh, but he's definitely not my besheret (soulmate).
Hmmmm.... not requesting advice... Just commenting on screwed up guys. I mean, he's in his early 30s... you'd think he would be a bit more serious by now. Can we say "COMMITMENT ISSUES" ??
Cheers...
Random thought
So subways....you know how when you're on the platform and the uptown or downtown train arrives (in the opposite direction than the one you're travelling), and then sometimes your train comes at the same time. I love when that happens. It reminds me of a simultaneous orgasm... Contemplating things such as this make my daily commutes a little less irritating.
What do you think of that?!
What do you think of that?!
Monday, January 02, 2006
new year
hopefully the tides will change.
my resolutions for this year:
-stop biting my nails.
-get happy.
-pay off debt.
-go to israel.
-get a job i like.
-get some direction in my life.
-find a guy i really like.
new year's eve was not so thrilling. i went to a party with some friends at this random guy's apartment. he hired a dj and bouncer. penthouse. terrace. cigarettes. lots of vodka (i only consumed one drink). my friend picked up the host. i told her that he is a dork made cool by money! so true. i met no one of interest. though it was nice to go somewhere that didn't have the usual scenesters from my 'hood, and rather a random crowd. gotta meet some new people. sick of the old. bring in the new.
back to work in a couple days. not so happy about that. i think i was happier unemployed. unfortunately. i could be making as much money as i make in a day in one hour if i were in my old industry...and freelancing. freelancers make damn good money. before expenses such as health insurance and overhead. but still. i miss that life. always greener on the other side.
on the plus side, it is winter. which means skiing. i want to go out west this year, but it's too expensive :(
apologies for the stream of conciousness/lack of capitalization/sentence fragments today. don't take me less seriously... i promise not to do it again (okay, i lied. i most certainly do not promise....i have a bit of a committment problem. but more about that another time.)
my resolutions for this year:
-stop biting my nails.
-get happy.
-pay off debt.
-go to israel.
-get a job i like.
-get some direction in my life.
-find a guy i really like.
new year's eve was not so thrilling. i went to a party with some friends at this random guy's apartment. he hired a dj and bouncer. penthouse. terrace. cigarettes. lots of vodka (i only consumed one drink). my friend picked up the host. i told her that he is a dork made cool by money! so true. i met no one of interest. though it was nice to go somewhere that didn't have the usual scenesters from my 'hood, and rather a random crowd. gotta meet some new people. sick of the old. bring in the new.
back to work in a couple days. not so happy about that. i think i was happier unemployed. unfortunately. i could be making as much money as i make in a day in one hour if i were in my old industry...and freelancing. freelancers make damn good money. before expenses such as health insurance and overhead. but still. i miss that life. always greener on the other side.
on the plus side, it is winter. which means skiing. i want to go out west this year, but it's too expensive :(
apologies for the stream of conciousness/lack of capitalization/sentence fragments today. don't take me less seriously... i promise not to do it again (okay, i lied. i most certainly do not promise....i have a bit of a committment problem. but more about that another time.)
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