I am simply unable to function. I am sitting here in front of my computer, completely unable to focus. I can't even properly word a single bullet or objective statement on my resume. I am just staring at the screen, frustrated that the words do not come to me. Did I mention that I wrote a thesis of 75+ words and graduated summa cum laude?
All this f*cking medicine is bogging me down. I know it. I never had these problems in college....though I did have it before I was on meds in my first job out of college, so I'm not sure how to explain that (lost the job after a year and a half due to an inability to meet deadlines, follow instructions (I always wanted to do things my way) and chronic lateness.)
But nonetheless, how the hell will I ever hold down a job when I can't even apply for one? I have been trying ("trying") to do it for months upon months, with no success. I have not sent out a SINGLE resume. Okay, that's a lie. I sent out one resume for a temporary admin job at a friend's company. They hired me, but subsequently fired me when I overslept on the FIRST DAY! Yeah, I am a fucking wreck. And that was months ago.
I am now off two of my five meds. I'd like to be off ALL of them. I've been going to a support group recently. Many of the people are not on meds... and you know what, they still suffer from the same problems. Why should I take all this f*cking medicine that is seriously interfering with my life, when my day-to-day existence would probably be the same (or BETTER). I wish I could drop it all cold turkey, but I don't know what would happen. Would I get sick, go through withdrawal? Am I "addicted," so to speak? I'm like Dr. House and his Vicodin. HA.
The last two days (well, the last two & a half weeks actually), I did nothing... Crawled out of bed around noon (sometimes earlier, often later), played on the computer (including maybe a handful of "networking" emails), ate a little bit of what I had lying around, then watched some TV in the early evening, convinced that I would do work before bedtime... but then never did.
The good news, however, is that my unemployment benefits might not be expiring the end of the year. The way they calculate all the extended and emergency benefits and eligible dates and exclusions, etc. is so freaking confusing. Even when I spoke to someone at the Department of Labor, that person was unable to tell me anything useful. I was like, HELLO, I need to know if my benefits are running out this month!! But it looks like they might not be...
The bad news, however, is that I am SCREWED big time if they do end this week (THIS WEEK!) I have enough money to last me two months. If I liquidate my Roth IRA, that would be another three months (which would be a terribly stupid thing to do... I already haven't been contributing to it and don't have much in there).
I can't believe I considered skiing this week... With what money?! I have a $400+ credit card bill due in a few weeks and I will probably have to pay it out of savings. SHIT. Oh and the rent before that. Just brilliant.
I haven't even been grocery shopping. That is stupid. If I drop anything, it should be my health insurance for a couple months. That's $350/month, whereas groceries are $100-150/month. And I can't just cut out groceries! I need to eat. I need fuel if I'm even going to try to accomplish anything.
I have been skipping most social engagements the last couple weeks. Well, I went to a cafe and spent $20 with a friend last week. I went to another friend's birthday dinner, but ate leftovers beforehand (instead of paying $30 at the steakhouse). I lied and said I wasn't feeling well. And I went to a Chanukah party, but I volunteered to help out, so I could go for free. At least I'm a little innovative sometimes.
But seriously...
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A Trip Down Memory Lane
After our first year at college, my childhood best friend made me a small scrapbook with all sorts of cute cutouts of words & pictures, stickers, glitter and very sweet accompanying text. Reading it, I got nostalgic. It also made me feel good about myself because of the kind (and true?) things she wrote. Here are some excerpts:
Unfortunately, those long roads came to an end six or so years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't lash out at her or get crazy irritable or anything like that. I simply told her about my diagnosis, assuming she'd be as supportive as she had always been. Instead, she didn't really take me seriously and said, "Oh, well we all have our ups and downs," and pretty much doubted that I had anything more serious and challenging than anyone else. Though I tried to explain my situation to her, she refused to be understanding. Totally crushed me. I ended our friendship right then and there. It's sad actually, but I suppose I still have some good memories...
The point is that we may not remember everything we say, but when I get off the phone, I always feel better because there is someone else in this universe that feels as passionately about certain issues as I do...
...The fact of the matter is that you have helped me survive the sunny and rainy days alike. I've always been able to turn to & rely upon you for advice & support.
I just want you to know how much I have always admired you as a person... I admire your independent spirit & your ability to be both a born leader & a challenger. You've got an Imagination. Guts. Brains. And a Soul. More than anything else though, I respect the way you respect your religion, your family, yourself & most of all, your friends... I truly appreciate all of this & your creative genius that has helped me to revert to childish behavior frequently but that has also helped me to quite simply enjoy life a little bit more than usual... No doubt we absolutely have very long, long roads ahead of us...
Unfortunately, those long roads came to an end six or so years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't lash out at her or get crazy irritable or anything like that. I simply told her about my diagnosis, assuming she'd be as supportive as she had always been. Instead, she didn't really take me seriously and said, "Oh, well we all have our ups and downs," and pretty much doubted that I had anything more serious and challenging than anyone else. Though I tried to explain my situation to her, she refused to be understanding. Totally crushed me. I ended our friendship right then and there. It's sad actually, but I suppose I still have some good memories...
Friday, October 23, 2009
Things about me III
(cont from 2006)
109. My favorite animal is a monkey.
110. My latest favorite ice cream flavor is "chocolate whiskey brownie" from Screme. Wow.
111. I am a tea girl. Especially with nana.
112. I need to find some bars with fireplaces for the winter.
113. I need to earn some money so I can go skiing.
114. I need to find a new roommate. Ideally someone who is never around.
115. I am on an event committee for the first time after all these years.
116. I am becoming more removed from Judaism. Culturally, I cling to it.
117. I don't think I believe in G-d!
118. I just bought $10 sandals (originally $80). Go me!
119. I'm hoping my shoemaker will make me a very happy girl 'cause I can't afford new tall sexy boots!
120. I need to find some really good reading material (fiction)
121. I need to find some good websites with news synopses and links for more detailed reporting and analyses. I simply lack the patience to browse the NYT website anymore. I am really not informed anymore and it makes me feel stupid when others start talking about politics and healthcare and whatnot.
122. Part of why I haven't been reading the news is that I'm kind of apathetic. I simply don't see how things directly affect me, so I'm not interested. (how's that for self-absorption!?)
123. I still look at married people as grown-ups while singles simply haven't reached that milestone yet. Even my friends who are pushing 40. (!)
124. I have a big crush, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Story of my life. He's a couple years younger, ba'al teshuva, sweet, and kind of an enigma to me.
125. I am on the national board of an organization now. Wow. Unfortunately, it doesn't really carry responsibility.
126. Israel - or aliyah, at least - seems like a pipe dream now.
127. I need more art in my life. Actively creating art is very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
128. I saw five guys who I had hooked up with on Simchas Torah. It doesn't even really faze me anymore!
129. I need to get out more. There is SO much to do here that I don't take advantage of. I am only going to be young and single in New York City for a little while longer (b'ezrat hashem... and I say I'm not religious!)
130. I am so unproductive. It's more than procrastinating. It's like an active decision to do nothing. What's wrong with me?
131. I really like to dance and will do so alone in front of my mirror!
132. I rarely take taxis.
133. I should take up pilates again.
134. I've still got game (at least 2 cuties hit on me this past Saturday night).
135. I would like to see the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. That's my kind of art.
136. I am thinking about giving this blog URL to my best friend. She knows everything anyway.
137. I still actively try to anonymize what I write in this blog. I'm so paranoid that someone will find out my identity. In fact, I'm pretty close to figuring out the identity of another New York blogger that I've been following.
138. I have a pen-pal with bipolar disorder, but we don't write that often. She is great to share experiences with... oh and she is the only one who reads this blog that has met me in person!
139. I give really good massages.
140. I enjoy walking in the rain. Without an umbrella.
141. I am the world's slowest shopper. Because I'm indecisive. And broke.
142. I am a total extrovert, but I haven't been able to "type" my personality completely. My answers are never conclusive.
143. I recently made my second shidduch (match). Two good friends met through me and are now seriously dating. This makes me happy. They are both wonderful people.
144. I get Time Out New York for free. I don't know why, but I don't complain. It's my Bible for what to do in New York. And I like the "Get Naked" column :)
145. I dread winter because depression lurks behind every corner.
146. I love winter because I can ski. And wear cute hats. And have hot chocolate. And go sledding, too!
147. I used to love gymnastics. I would love to go to a weekly class for grown-ups where I could jump on a trampoline, do the trapeze and all other sorts of fun things! (Well I could, but it would cost a fortune. It's called Chelsea Piers.)
148. I think I have had "Resume" on my to-do list every day for the last few years!
149. I am lucky for so many reasons and I rarely appreciate it enough.
150. I pity myself way too much. It probably impedes progress.
151. I worry about my parents' relationship.
152. I love to drive. Such a feeling of freedom.
153. I have become much more old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I actually follow some of "The Rules."
154. I have great hair and a pretty good body. I should do more to maintain the latter!
155. I enjoy having girlfriends over for TV or movie nights.
156. I graduated college summa cum laude.
157. I used to love Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
158. I keep kosher out of habit. But I don't think I could ever not.
159. I love hosting meals and parties, but I get very stressed out.
160. Several of my friends have written books. I should get around to doing that.
161. I am a total grammar FREAK. Errors in spelling, apostrophes and homonyms especially drive me up the wall. It really causes me to judge people when I find out they are so incompetent (on facebook, in advertisements, etc.)
162. I love my bed. I love sharing it, too :)
109. My favorite animal is a monkey.
110. My latest favorite ice cream flavor is "chocolate whiskey brownie" from Screme. Wow.
111. I am a tea girl. Especially with nana.
112. I need to find some bars with fireplaces for the winter.
113. I need to earn some money so I can go skiing.
114. I need to find a new roommate. Ideally someone who is never around.
115. I am on an event committee for the first time after all these years.
116. I am becoming more removed from Judaism. Culturally, I cling to it.
117. I don't think I believe in G-d!
118. I just bought $10 sandals (originally $80). Go me!
119. I'm hoping my shoemaker will make me a very happy girl 'cause I can't afford new tall sexy boots!
120. I need to find some really good reading material (fiction)
121. I need to find some good websites with news synopses and links for more detailed reporting and analyses. I simply lack the patience to browse the NYT website anymore. I am really not informed anymore and it makes me feel stupid when others start talking about politics and healthcare and whatnot.
122. Part of why I haven't been reading the news is that I'm kind of apathetic. I simply don't see how things directly affect me, so I'm not interested. (how's that for self-absorption!?)
123. I still look at married people as grown-ups while singles simply haven't reached that milestone yet. Even my friends who are pushing 40. (!)
124. I have a big crush, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Story of my life. He's a couple years younger, ba'al teshuva, sweet, and kind of an enigma to me.
125. I am on the national board of an organization now. Wow. Unfortunately, it doesn't really carry responsibility.
126. Israel - or aliyah, at least - seems like a pipe dream now.
127. I need more art in my life. Actively creating art is very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
128. I saw five guys who I had hooked up with on Simchas Torah. It doesn't even really faze me anymore!
129. I need to get out more. There is SO much to do here that I don't take advantage of. I am only going to be young and single in New York City for a little while longer (b'ezrat hashem... and I say I'm not religious!)
130. I am so unproductive. It's more than procrastinating. It's like an active decision to do nothing. What's wrong with me?
131. I really like to dance and will do so alone in front of my mirror!
132. I rarely take taxis.
133. I should take up pilates again.
134. I've still got game (at least 2 cuties hit on me this past Saturday night).
135. I would like to see the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. That's my kind of art.
136. I am thinking about giving this blog URL to my best friend. She knows everything anyway.
137. I still actively try to anonymize what I write in this blog. I'm so paranoid that someone will find out my identity. In fact, I'm pretty close to figuring out the identity of another New York blogger that I've been following.
138. I have a pen-pal with bipolar disorder, but we don't write that often. She is great to share experiences with... oh and she is the only one who reads this blog that has met me in person!
139. I give really good massages.
140. I enjoy walking in the rain. Without an umbrella.
141. I am the world's slowest shopper. Because I'm indecisive. And broke.
142. I am a total extrovert, but I haven't been able to "type" my personality completely. My answers are never conclusive.
143. I recently made my second shidduch (match). Two good friends met through me and are now seriously dating. This makes me happy. They are both wonderful people.
144. I get Time Out New York for free. I don't know why, but I don't complain. It's my Bible for what to do in New York. And I like the "Get Naked" column :)
145. I dread winter because depression lurks behind every corner.
146. I love winter because I can ski. And wear cute hats. And have hot chocolate. And go sledding, too!
147. I used to love gymnastics. I would love to go to a weekly class for grown-ups where I could jump on a trampoline, do the trapeze and all other sorts of fun things! (Well I could, but it would cost a fortune. It's called Chelsea Piers.)
148. I think I have had "Resume" on my to-do list every day for the last few years!
149. I am lucky for so many reasons and I rarely appreciate it enough.
150. I pity myself way too much. It probably impedes progress.
151. I worry about my parents' relationship.
152. I love to drive. Such a feeling of freedom.
153. I have become much more old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I actually follow some of "The Rules."
154. I have great hair and a pretty good body. I should do more to maintain the latter!
155. I enjoy having girlfriends over for TV or movie nights.
156. I graduated college summa cum laude.
157. I used to love Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
158. I keep kosher out of habit. But I don't think I could ever not.
159. I love hosting meals and parties, but I get very stressed out.
160. Several of my friends have written books. I should get around to doing that.
161. I am a total grammar FREAK. Errors in spelling, apostrophes and homonyms especially drive me up the wall. It really causes me to judge people when I find out they are so incompetent (on facebook, in advertisements, etc.)
162. I love my bed. I love sharing it, too :)
this is the song that never ends.... it just goes on and on, my friends....
Well, it's the story of my life. It's a broken record. I'm happy, but I'm depressed. I'm "stable," but I'm not functioning. I'm confident, but I'm terrified. I'm outgoing, but I'm hiding. And no one knows.
I am now getting more depressed than ever when I realized how much older I'm getting. College is becoming but a distant memory, which is really really really sad. When my parents told me that it would be the best years of my life, I had no idea how true it would be. Now here I am more than a decade later, lamenting the fact that I am the least accomplished of everyone I know. Sure I have an active social life, but I am not intellectually involved, passionate about anything or accomplished in any career. I am the classic underachiever, yet I don't understand when I suddenly switched from being an overachiever who was motivated, excited and driven to someone who does the bare minimum to get by.
I need to make a change. What I really need is therapy. My best friend has been telling me this for years. I meet with my psychiatrist about every six weeks so he can gauge how I'm doing and manage my meds. But my day-to-day problems continue to persist and persist and persist. Like I said, it's a broken record. Read any of my posts in this blog. Nothing has changed. Pathetic really.
Now I'm holed up in my apartment when I should be out celebrating Shabbat with friends or strangers. It matters not. But I'm alone. I've isolated myself. I want to cry.
And I'm being melodramatic, it's true. I should set some goals for myself. I should celebrate the small steps in the right direction. 'Cause that's what it takes. That's how I can start.
I am now getting more depressed than ever when I realized how much older I'm getting. College is becoming but a distant memory, which is really really really sad. When my parents told me that it would be the best years of my life, I had no idea how true it would be. Now here I am more than a decade later, lamenting the fact that I am the least accomplished of everyone I know. Sure I have an active social life, but I am not intellectually involved, passionate about anything or accomplished in any career. I am the classic underachiever, yet I don't understand when I suddenly switched from being an overachiever who was motivated, excited and driven to someone who does the bare minimum to get by.
I need to make a change. What I really need is therapy. My best friend has been telling me this for years. I meet with my psychiatrist about every six weeks so he can gauge how I'm doing and manage my meds. But my day-to-day problems continue to persist and persist and persist. Like I said, it's a broken record. Read any of my posts in this blog. Nothing has changed. Pathetic really.
Now I'm holed up in my apartment when I should be out celebrating Shabbat with friends or strangers. It matters not. But I'm alone. I've isolated myself. I want to cry.
And I'm being melodramatic, it's true. I should set some goals for myself. I should celebrate the small steps in the right direction. 'Cause that's what it takes. That's how I can start.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I am in a rut...mostly
My social life is good, but I can't get my life together otherwise. I have been staying in bed and doing nothing all day for days on end. Yet, when I go out and see friends and take trips, I am pretty much fine. I just have no internal motivation, nothing to drive me to move forward in any respect. I don't even have it in me to clean my room or organize my desk. I feel like I can't get anything accomplished unless my living space is comfortable and clear.
In any case, I need to get my shit together because my unemployment benefits are running out and I kind of need to pay my bills! I did do a focus group a couple weeks ago which was pretty awesome. I need to do more of those - what an easy way to make money. In fact, I'd probably be pretty good as the focus group facilitator. The chick simply facilitated a conversation with us, something which I am pretty good at.
So despite it all, summer in NYC is pretty cool. I have been seeing movies outdoors, going to see performances in Central Park and walking the city in cute sandals.
I also have a budding romance with the gentleman described in the previous post! I got a little bit in over my head after first meeting him, but we have gone out and I do like him... and he *is* a great kisser! We will be going out again this weekend.
Oh and also, I have made a couple new girlfriends who are really fabulous...easy to talk to and up for doing fun things in the city.
I have decided that if I could hold down a decent job that my life would be complete. Except for that, all the pieces of my life are together. I have an apartment, great social life (friends + dating), close family and a love of the city.
As for my chemical (im)balance, I can't quite figure out where I am... a lot of symptoms of depression, but at times, hypomania kind of setting in (this was more apparent a month ago). I am clearly happy and functional when I actually leave the house and interact with others. Hmmm... I will never be normal; even if I become "stabilized," it can only be temporary and there is always the looming threat of regression into one state or another.
Need to get over this all and somehow get inspired...
In any case, I need to get my shit together because my unemployment benefits are running out and I kind of need to pay my bills! I did do a focus group a couple weeks ago which was pretty awesome. I need to do more of those - what an easy way to make money. In fact, I'd probably be pretty good as the focus group facilitator. The chick simply facilitated a conversation with us, something which I am pretty good at.
So despite it all, summer in NYC is pretty cool. I have been seeing movies outdoors, going to see performances in Central Park and walking the city in cute sandals.
I also have a budding romance with the gentleman described in the previous post! I got a little bit in over my head after first meeting him, but we have gone out and I do like him... and he *is* a great kisser! We will be going out again this weekend.
Oh and also, I have made a couple new girlfriends who are really fabulous...easy to talk to and up for doing fun things in the city.
I have decided that if I could hold down a decent job that my life would be complete. Except for that, all the pieces of my life are together. I have an apartment, great social life (friends + dating), close family and a love of the city.
As for my chemical (im)balance, I can't quite figure out where I am... a lot of symptoms of depression, but at times, hypomania kind of setting in (this was more apparent a month ago). I am clearly happy and functional when I actually leave the house and interact with others. Hmmm... I will never be normal; even if I become "stabilized," it can only be temporary and there is always the looming threat of regression into one state or another.
Need to get over this all and somehow get inspired...
Friday, June 05, 2009
Smitten...
I am smitten like never before (or that I can recall)!!!
I met the most adorable sweet Jewish guy at a party last night. So cute/hot that I almost think he's out of my league, but we had great conversation and flirted very much! At the end of the night he kissed me and it was like the earth stopped. Lightning and thunder. Fireworks. Butterflies. WOW. AMAZING. I was totally lost in the moment and wanted to kiss him forever. And now I can't stop thinking about him!! I know I shouldn't get my hopes up though....even though we really connected and he had that LOOK in his eyes of being really into me :) He asked me out and got my digits, but we didn't set a date...
At first, I was just so excited about him and immediately told a few close friends and my sister.....but now I'm starting to worry that perhaps my reaction is elevated and I am not totally in my right mind (ie kind of manic-y). I am recalling the last time I got completely obsessed with a guy and it was one of my worst episodes ever. I thought I was in love with him and he just withdrew from me because I was too intense.
So now the question is, how do I know if I am having normal feelings and butterflies or if I am getting too over-excited and exaggerating things....I mean, I did just dump a guy recently...whom I had no feelings for. I stayed with him because I thought I would grow to like him more, and besides, I was losing hope that any guy would want to be with me, so maybe I should keep him. (I'm so glad I overcame that ridiculous thought.)
So perhaps, I'm not so out of whack if the last guy didn't make me fall head over heels and this guy did.... It has do with the guy, not my current chemical balance, right?.....However, on second thought, my doc just upped my anti-depressant and decreased my lithium. OY. He told me that I would start feeling more up.....but as long as it's not *too* far up, this high feeling is *REALLY* great!! (and a legal way to get to this state!)
What to do, what to do!? I am waiting on pins and needles for him to call. But I need to force myself to take it slow.
(But WOW, if he kisses like that...it's an indicator of what's to come! I hope!)
I met the most adorable sweet Jewish guy at a party last night. So cute/hot that I almost think he's out of my league, but we had great conversation and flirted very much! At the end of the night he kissed me and it was like the earth stopped. Lightning and thunder. Fireworks. Butterflies. WOW. AMAZING. I was totally lost in the moment and wanted to kiss him forever. And now I can't stop thinking about him!! I know I shouldn't get my hopes up though....even though we really connected and he had that LOOK in his eyes of being really into me :) He asked me out and got my digits, but we didn't set a date...
At first, I was just so excited about him and immediately told a few close friends and my sister.....but now I'm starting to worry that perhaps my reaction is elevated and I am not totally in my right mind (ie kind of manic-y). I am recalling the last time I got completely obsessed with a guy and it was one of my worst episodes ever. I thought I was in love with him and he just withdrew from me because I was too intense.
So now the question is, how do I know if I am having normal feelings and butterflies or if I am getting too over-excited and exaggerating things....I mean, I did just dump a guy recently...whom I had no feelings for. I stayed with him because I thought I would grow to like him more, and besides, I was losing hope that any guy would want to be with me, so maybe I should keep him. (I'm so glad I overcame that ridiculous thought.)
So perhaps, I'm not so out of whack if the last guy didn't make me fall head over heels and this guy did.... It has do with the guy, not my current chemical balance, right?.....However, on second thought, my doc just upped my anti-depressant and decreased my lithium. OY. He told me that I would start feeling more up.....but as long as it's not *too* far up, this high feeling is *REALLY* great!! (and a legal way to get to this state!)
What to do, what to do!? I am waiting on pins and needles for him to call. But I need to force myself to take it slow.
(But WOW, if he kisses like that...it's an indicator of what's to come! I hope!)
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