what is wrong with me

i am such a space cadet. i haven't been sleeping well. i've been taking my meds at very inconsistent intervals, missing about a dose a day over the last few days. i feel like a zombie. i haven't taken out my contacts in like 72 hours (and they aren't disposables.) i just cancelled a trip to visit good friends in boston this weekend. i had to pay bills and clean my room. i saw a cockroach in my room but lost him before i killed him. twice. so now he is going to sneak up on me while i'm sleeping or when i put on clothes and he crawls up my leg.

and now, what to do for shabbat? i want to be a hermit. just go nowhere. hang at home. be the big loser that i am. but last time i did that i felt so lame and more depressed.

two guys who i have dates with this week asked me to give them a ring if i didn't end up going away. but i don't think i will do that. i also don't want to run into them though. which with my luck would happen. i'm not overly thrilled with either of them. one is to be a first date, the other about the 4th. i almost dumped the 2nd for a 3rd who recently dumped me. and the first was such a wuss about asking me out, i wanted to tell him right on the spot, if you can't ask me out without being a big 'fraidy cat with obvious insecurities, then i'm not interested. he is cute though. in that dorky jewish (and foreign--not israeli) kind of way. his english is not the best either. he speaks slowly and deliberately and doesn't get my sarcasm. neither does bachelor #2. but he's learning. and he already left me a message saying he "misses" me. oy vey. i'm not looking for anything serious. until something seriously special comes my way.

dating in new york sucks. especially dating on the upper west side. but enough about that. it's a small small world here and i don't want to embarrass anyone....least of all, myself!

ps i can't believe i'm posting this. please forgive omission of commas and redundance and repetition and run-on sentences :)