A Trip Down Memory Lane

After our first year at college, my childhood best friend made me a small scrapbook with all sorts of cute cutouts of words & pictures, stickers, glitter and very sweet accompanying text. Reading it, I got nostalgic. It also made me feel good about myself because of the kind (and true?) things she wrote. Here are some excerpts:

The point is that we may not remember everything we say, but when I get off the phone, I always feel better because there is someone else in this universe that feels as passionately about certain issues as I do...

...The fact of the matter is that you have helped me survive the sunny and rainy days alike. I've always been able to turn to & rely upon you for advice & support.

I just want you to know how much I have always admired you as a person... I admire your independent spirit & your ability to be both a born leader & a challenger. You've got an Imagination. Guts. Brains. And a Soul. More than anything else though, I respect the way you respect your religion, your family, yourself & most of all, your friends... I truly appreciate all of this & your creative genius that has helped me to revert to childish behavior frequently but that has also helped me to quite simply enjoy life a little bit more than usual... No doubt we absolutely have very long, long roads ahead of us...

Unfortunately, those long roads came to an end six or so years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't lash out at her or get crazy irritable or anything like that. I simply told her about my diagnosis, assuming she'd be as supportive as she had always been. Instead, she didn't really take me seriously and said, "Oh, well we all have our ups and downs," and pretty much doubted that I had anything more serious and challenging than anyone else. Though I tried to explain my situation to her, she refused to be understanding. Totally crushed me. I ended our friendship right then and there. It's sad actually, but I suppose I still have some good memories...

Things about me III

(cont from 2006)

109. My favorite animal is a monkey.
110. My latest favorite ice cream flavor is "chocolate whiskey brownie" from Screme. Wow.
111. I am a tea girl. Especially with nana.
112. I need to find some bars with fireplaces for the winter.
113. I need to earn some money so I can go skiing.
114. I need to find a new roommate. Ideally someone who is never around.
115. I am on an event committee for the first time after all these years.
116. I am becoming more removed from Judaism. Culturally, I cling to it.
117. I don't think I believe in G-d!
118. I just bought $10 sandals (originally $80). Go me!
119. I'm hoping my shoemaker will make me a very happy girl 'cause I can't afford new tall sexy boots!
120. I need to find some really good reading material (fiction)
121. I need to find some good websites with news synopses and links for more detailed reporting and analyses. I simply lack the patience to browse the NYT website anymore. I am really not informed anymore and it makes me feel stupid when others start talking about politics and healthcare and whatnot.
122. Part of why I haven't been reading the news is that I'm kind of apathetic. I simply don't see how things directly affect me, so I'm not interested. (how's that for self-absorption!?)
123. I still look at married people as grown-ups while singles simply haven't reached that milestone yet. Even my friends who are pushing 40. (!)
124. I have a big crush, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Story of my life. He's a couple years younger, ba'al teshuva, sweet, and kind of an enigma to me.
125. I am on the national board of an organization now. Wow. Unfortunately, it doesn't really carry responsibility.
126. Israel - or aliyah, at least - seems like a pipe dream now.
127. I need more art in my life. Actively creating art is very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
128. I saw five guys who I had hooked up with on Simchas Torah. It doesn't even really faze me anymore!
129. I need to get out more. There is SO much to do here that I don't take advantage of. I am only going to be young and single in New York City for a little while longer (b'ezrat hashem... and I say I'm not religious!)
130. I am so unproductive. It's more than procrastinating. It's like an active decision to do nothing. What's wrong with me?
131. I really like to dance and will do so alone in front of my mirror!
132. I rarely take taxis.
133. I should take up pilates again.
134. I've still got game (at least 2 cuties hit on me this past Saturday night).
135. I would like to see the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. That's my kind of art.
136. I am thinking about giving this blog URL to my best friend. She knows everything anyway.
137. I still actively try to anonymize what I write in this blog. I'm so paranoid that someone will find out my identity. In fact, I'm pretty close to figuring out the identity of another New York blogger that I've been following.
138. I have a pen-pal with bipolar disorder, but we don't write that often. She is great to share experiences with... oh and she is the only one who reads this blog that has met me in person!
139. I give really good massages.
140. I enjoy walking in the rain. Without an umbrella.
141. I am the world's slowest shopper. Because I'm indecisive. And broke.
142. I am a total extrovert, but I haven't been able to "type" my personality completely. My answers are never conclusive.
143. I recently made my second shidduch (match). Two good friends met through me and are now seriously dating. This makes me happy. They are both wonderful people.
144. I get Time Out New York for free. I don't know why, but I don't complain. It's my Bible for what to do in New York. And I like the "Get Naked" column :)
145. I dread winter because depression lurks behind every corner.
146. I love winter because I can ski. And wear cute hats. And have hot chocolate. And go sledding, too!
147. I used to love gymnastics. I would love to go to a weekly class for grown-ups where I could jump on a trampoline, do the trapeze and all other sorts of fun things! (Well I could, but it would cost a fortune. It's called Chelsea Piers.)
148. I think I have had "Resume" on my to-do list every day for the last few years!
149. I am lucky for so many reasons and I rarely appreciate it enough.
150. I pity myself way too much. It probably impedes progress.
151. I worry about my parents' relationship.
152. I love to drive. Such a feeling of freedom.
153. I have become much more old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I actually follow some of "The Rules."
154. I have great hair and a pretty good body. I should do more to maintain the latter!
155. I enjoy having girlfriends over for TV or movie nights.
156. I graduated college summa cum laude.
157. I used to love Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
158. I keep kosher out of habit. But I don't think I could ever not.
159. I love hosting meals and parties, but I get very stressed out.
160. Several of my friends have written books. I should get around to doing that.
161. I am a total grammar FREAK. Errors in spelling, apostrophes and homonyms especially drive me up the wall. It really causes me to judge people when I find out they are so incompetent (on facebook, in advertisements, etc.)
162. I love my bed. I love sharing it, too :)

this is the song that never ends.... it just goes on and on, my friends....

Well, it's the story of my life. It's a broken record. I'm happy, but I'm depressed. I'm "stable," but I'm not functioning. I'm confident, but I'm terrified. I'm outgoing, but I'm hiding. And no one knows.

I am now getting more depressed than ever when I realized how much older I'm getting. College is becoming but a distant memory, which is really really really sad. When my parents told me that it would be the best years of my life, I had no idea how true it would be. Now here I am more than a decade later, lamenting the fact that I am the least accomplished of everyone I know. Sure I have an active social life, but I am not intellectually involved, passionate about anything or accomplished in any career. I am the classic underachiever, yet I don't understand when I suddenly switched from being an overachiever who was motivated, excited and driven to someone who does the bare minimum to get by.

I need to make a change. What I really need is therapy. My best friend has been telling me this for years. I meet with my psychiatrist about every six weeks so he can gauge how I'm doing and manage my meds. But my day-to-day problems continue to persist and persist and persist. Like I said, it's a broken record. Read any of my posts in this blog. Nothing has changed. Pathetic really.

Now I'm holed up in my apartment when I should be out celebrating Shabbat with friends or strangers. It matters not. But I'm alone. I've isolated myself. I want to cry.

And I'm being melodramatic, it's true. I should set some goals for myself. I should celebrate the small steps in the right direction. 'Cause that's what it takes. That's how I can start.