If I committed suicide...

...how many people would come to my funeral?

Does anyone ever wonder that?

Recently, a girl my age was hit by a car. She got 400 (to the funeral). It was a "tragedy." The community rallied together. A friend of a friend told me she was sick of hearing about it. Do people get idolized too much in death?

I guess I'd be pitied if I committed suicide. Lots of hushed whispers. What ifs. Why didn't I know? Why did no one know? She seemed so happy. Life was going her way. Lots of gossiping.

What if I died the regular way? What would be different? Less pity. More sympathy. No family shame. No Jewish shame.

Why am I so morbid?

What would the world be without me? Would much be different? How many people do I matter to anyway? No more than a handful. Worth preserving my life for? Do I matter to myself? Will I ever matter to anyone who wants to marry me and have a family, despite my problems? And if I do, could we still be happy? Would I succeed at not alientating, like so many others I know with depression & bpd?

What terrible thoughts. Yet thoughts nonetheless. I'm not really suicidal. Just introspective. And really really sad when I think about my future. (And my present).