I'm back in the City this weekend!! I came on Thursday and have been enjoying it and feeling (almost) back to my old self. It's really nice to be here and to be engaged in a regular life of work (okay, interviews..), social life and home (with roommates as opposed to my mishpucha.)
I keep wondering though if I'm really the same as the old me, and then predictably contemplating what the heck constituted the old me... Am I talking and laughing too much? Do I uncharacteristically appear melancholy or am I too quiet sometimes? Is it apparent when I zone out in social situations or fudge some facts to explain why I haven't been around ("I've spent a lot of weekends out at my parents' pool") or what I'm currently doing professionally (the answer is "freelancing," but "between jobs" if pressed for details)? I guess only time will tell. That is, I'll have better insight over time, particularly self-observation of the dynamics of my personality changing with my illness. It's such a frustrating thing [my personality] to feel a lack of control over. Where is the real me?? Hidden behind some elusive facade perchance?
Anyway, since Thursday, I've accomplished/done the following:
* Had 2 job interviews
* Had a pizza/park date
* Made a new friend
* Saw old friends/acquaintances at Shabbat meals + out on Sat night
* Heard from everyone "I haven't seen you in SO long!"
* Went out to a b-day party at a bar
* Went to synagogue
* Observed Shabbat almost 100% this week (complete with my brand-new, too-cold-for-25-hours air conditioner and nifty nightlight)
In terms of not being back to my old self... well, in 2 weeks I've gained 19 pounds (!!) and am quite bummed that barely any of my pants/skirts fit (and the ones that do simply don't fall how they used to). I lost 6 pounds a couple weeks ago and it was depressingly followed by this ballooning effect that is unfortunately a common side effect of my medications. Argh! A careful regimen of limited caloric intake coupled with regular exercise (in which I am finally allowed to partake again) should enable me to take it off again, but oy vey!
And this after a productive start early this summer of running in the park (that is Central Park) and lofty (but then realistic) goals of losing 12 pounds by Sept 1st and another 20 lbs. by Jan 1st. I guess the January goal is still possible. I actually don't really care so much what the # on the scale says (that's a pun--get it? #=number=pound), but rather how I look and feel about my body. Being in shape is very important to me and I feel better (physically and self-confidence-wise) when I am in a mode of regularly working out.
Anyway, I'm not sure when I'm leaving the city yet, but I'll probably stay a few more days...then I've got another wedding out-of-town next weekend. They're dropping like flies!
Sunday, August 22, 2004
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Believe me, I hear you on the "friends dropping like flies" front. The good news for you is that I'll probably be single forever, so that's at least one virtual friend who's not going to desert you...
On the job front, I've been in your position, and actually have quite a tale to tell in terms of what I've been through, and am "happy" to tell you offline whenever you want.
But yes, the answer is "freelancing, but I'm open to hearing about the right full-time opportunities." That indicates you're not sitting at home waiting for rent to come due, but are still being selective and not jumping back into anything just for the sake of doing so!
Happy to help any way I can. I know you want to preserve your anonymity, but I'm pretty well connected in the Jewish world, and might be able to help...
Whatever you want, darlin'. Best with everything.
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