If I committed suicide...

...how many people would come to my funeral?

Does anyone ever wonder that?

Recently, a girl my age was hit by a car. She got 400 (to the funeral). It was a "tragedy." The community rallied together. A friend of a friend told me she was sick of hearing about it. Do people get idolized too much in death?

I guess I'd be pitied if I committed suicide. Lots of hushed whispers. What ifs. Why didn't I know? Why did no one know? She seemed so happy. Life was going her way. Lots of gossiping.

What if I died the regular way? What would be different? Less pity. More sympathy. No family shame. No Jewish shame.

Why am I so morbid?

What would the world be without me? Would much be different? How many people do I matter to anyway? No more than a handful. Worth preserving my life for? Do I matter to myself? Will I ever matter to anyone who wants to marry me and have a family, despite my problems? And if I do, could we still be happy? Would I succeed at not alientating, like so many others I know with depression & bpd?

What terrible thoughts. Yet thoughts nonetheless. I'm not really suicidal. Just introspective. And really really sad when I think about my future. (And my present).

What's up with that?

There's this guy:
1. I dated him.
2. It lasted about a month.
3. Then he dumped me to be just "friends."
4. Now he calls me constantly, invites me places and invites himself over my place.
5. And he tries to hook up with me. (Usually I acquiesce!)

What is up?? I should give him the cold shoulder until he wants to properly date me and take me out, but honestly, I don't really feel jerked around because I'm "just not that into him." (like that book: "He's Just Not That Into You.") We have fun together and he certainly makes me laugh, but he's definitely not my besheret (soulmate).

Hmmmm.... not requesting advice... Just commenting on screwed up guys. I mean, he's in his early 30s... you'd think he would be a bit more serious by now. Can we say "COMMITMENT ISSUES" ??

Cheers...

Random thought

So subways....you know how when you're on the platform and the uptown or downtown train arrives (in the opposite direction than the one you're travelling), and then sometimes your train comes at the same time. I love when that happens. It reminds me of a simultaneous orgasm... Contemplating things such as this make my daily commutes a little less irritating.

What do you think of that?!

new year

hopefully the tides will change.

my resolutions for this year:
-stop biting my nails.
-get happy.
-pay off debt.
-go to israel.
-get a job i like.
-get some direction in my life.
-find a guy i really like.

new year's eve was not so thrilling. i went to a party with some friends at this random guy's apartment. he hired a dj and bouncer. penthouse. terrace. cigarettes. lots of vodka (i only consumed one drink). my friend picked up the host. i told her that he is a dork made cool by money! so true. i met no one of interest. though it was nice to go somewhere that didn't have the usual scenesters from my 'hood, and rather a random crowd. gotta meet some new people. sick of the old. bring in the new.

back to work in a couple days. not so happy about that. i think i was happier unemployed. unfortunately. i could be making as much money as i make in a day in one hour if i were in my old industry...and freelancing. freelancers make damn good money. before expenses such as health insurance and overhead. but still. i miss that life. always greener on the other side.

on the plus side, it is winter. which means skiing. i want to go out west this year, but it's too expensive :(

apologies for the stream of conciousness/lack of capitalization/sentence fragments today. don't take me less seriously... i promise not to do it again (okay, i lied. i most certainly do not promise....i have a bit of a committment problem. but more about that another time.)