Back to Reality....Sort Of...

I'm back in the City this weekend!! I came on Thursday and have been enjoying it and feeling (almost) back to my old self. It's really nice to be here and to be engaged in a regular life of work (okay, interviews..), social life and home (with roommates as opposed to my mishpucha.)

I keep wondering though if I'm really the same as the old me, and then predictably contemplating what the heck constituted the old me... Am I talking and laughing too much? Do I uncharacteristically appear melancholy or am I too quiet sometimes? Is it apparent when I zone out in social situations or fudge some facts to explain why I haven't been around ("I've spent a lot of weekends out at my parents' pool") or what I'm currently doing professionally (the answer is "freelancing," but "between jobs" if pressed for details)? I guess only time will tell. That is, I'll have better insight over time, particularly self-observation of the dynamics of my personality changing with my illness. It's such a frustrating thing [my personality] to feel a lack of control over. Where is the real me?? Hidden behind some elusive facade perchance?

Anyway, since Thursday, I've accomplished/done the following:

* Had 2 job interviews
* Had a pizza/park date
* Made a new friend
* Saw old friends/acquaintances at Shabbat meals + out on Sat night
* Heard from everyone "I haven't seen you in SO long!"
* Went out to a b-day party at a bar
* Went to synagogue
* Observed Shabbat almost 100% this week (complete with my brand-new, too-cold-for-25-hours air conditioner and nifty nightlight)

In terms of not being back to my old self... well, in 2 weeks I've gained 19 pounds (!!) and am quite bummed that barely any of my pants/skirts fit (and the ones that do simply don't fall how they used to). I lost 6 pounds a couple weeks ago and it was depressingly followed by this ballooning effect that is unfortunately a common side effect of my medications. Argh! A careful regimen of limited caloric intake coupled with regular exercise (in which I am finally allowed to partake again) should enable me to take it off again, but oy vey!

And this after a productive start early this summer of running in the park (that is Central Park) and lofty (but then realistic) goals of losing 12 pounds by Sept 1st and another 20 lbs. by Jan 1st. I guess the January goal is still possible. I actually don't really care so much what the # on the scale says (that's a pun--get it? #=number=pound), but rather how I look and feel about my body. Being in shape is very important to me and I feel better (physically and self-confidence-wise) when I am in a mode of regularly working out.

Anyway, I'm not sure when I'm leaving the city yet, but I'll probably stay a few more days...then I've got another wedding out-of-town next weekend. They're dropping like flies!

Blurry Lines

The big question for me recently has been: "Where does my sickness end and my personality begin?" And vice versa, of course.

What this means in reality is the following: If I get overly pissed off for something trivial (but it *could* be as justified as I perceive), how should I attribute that? Is it ME or is it my ILLNESS? I am being completely serious here. Irritability is a dimension of what I'm undergoing right now.

I get very nervous, because I feel as though the guy I'm seeing has not really "seen" or "experienced" the "REAL" me. However, he thinks he has, and G-d bless him for his patience to see what the "REAL" me is really like because I've definitely done some things which lacked my own better judgment.

Finally, I'll be back in the Big Apple tomorrow and we have a date. (Ed. note: I've been out of the city getting better for the last 15 days.)

When will my judgment return? How will I know that the real me is back and getting pissed off at the waiter is legitimately fair and not outrageously ridiculous? Where is my personality barometer??

Cheers...

Nothing to say except...

...I'm missing a wedding today and I'm majorly bummed.

Just bought my sister a book she wanted to thank her for being so awesome.

Otherwise did nothing today but mope around. Lucky me. Lucky you to read about it.

Something more exciting to be written in the near future, I promise. Don't stop visiting. Please don't.

Please don't go... Please don't goooooooowhooaaaaa.... Please don't go away... Please don't go

Heh. Gotta love old-school music (I'm so old!) For those too young or out of the loop, I actually forgot the band.. it was a group of four black guys. They also did, "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday," which I also happen to love... Very catchy tunes...

Ta-ta for now...