TOP TEN LIST OF MY FEARS...

1. I will never recuperate; recovery time is 2-4 weeks; but I am terrified that I will never be fully "stable," and will need to rely on drugs the rest of my life.

2. I will lose my boyfriend. Sounds flaky (which is totally not me), but I met him just over 2 months ago and am falling head over heels for him.  We are currently on a hafsaka (ie break), but I am praying that he doesn't meet someone else. We are SO well-suited for each other -- same hashkafa (life outlook, particularly re: religion), same values, etc. We've had some AMAZING conversations to date and I *really* like him (in that silly cheezy 80s movie kinda way.... e.g. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," which I just saw, and stars Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt & Shannon Doherty, circa 1985 or so! Yeah '80s!)

3. I will not be able to participate in the simchas of my good friends (e.g. 5 upcoming weddings for friends; 4 in the next month, 1 of which is out of town, as is the one this winter.) If I'm not better, I might not be able to go to these things, which makes me *VERY* sad :( I already had to cancel going to one, but that wasn't a big deal b/c it was family I'm not so close to (and it was an intermarriage; is that wrong to not feel bad about having skipped out?)......but my friends are another story.. The next wedding is one for which I went to my friend's dress fitting and she looked so beautiful.  I must be there... he(ck) or highwater I'll be there, darn it! (I'm trying so hard to swear, yet I've been sounding like a sailor as of late...)

4. I will screw up more jobs. I've literally been fired from every job I've ever had.  One was b/c they couldn't afford to make me FT (even though they *loved* me -- back in 2001), one was for cause (sort of; my mental probs caused a lack of focus which precluded me from producing the work they wanted to see and which I was easily capable of doing), next was b/c the guy was a shmuck and it was a shlocky rinky-dink firm, next was freelance and the rel'ship was mutually terminated and the most recent was apparently for "cause" but I think I might have a lawsuit on my hands, b/c it was absolutely ridiculous....  granted, I joined the firm while I was still ill (against the better judgment of my psychiatrist, parents, etc.)

5. I will die of a coma or overdose or from fainting and hitting my head in the shower or something.  (Pleasant thoughts, right?)

6.  Stigmatization (did i just make up that word; i should be a lexicologist... or lexiconogist): My dr. tries to reassure me: "Oh, don't worry if people know; half of NY sees therapists and are on meds," but it simply doesn't reassure me. I don't want people to think I am WEAK and need to RELY on meds in order to make myself feel good. Really, I'm not one of these snooty UES primadonnas who needs to spend $1000/day on clothes & shoes and talks to her therapist 4 times a week.  Blegch.. what a nightmare. That is SO not me.  In fact, what I've got totally runs in my family (LUCKY GENES) and earliest manifestations of it were witnessed by myself and others (but not identified) back in 2000-2001 (BTW, none of this is 9/11-related. I am quite blase when it comes to that, having been in Israel at the time, and been so familiar with terrorism there...)

7. Alienating friends and family due to my crazy antics...

8. Going totally broke and having to give up my kicka$$ NYC apartment...

9. Getting caught being online (I feel like a rebellious teenager who has to sneak around)

10. Losing the battle of LIFE!! (I already lost the game (original version; the coolest ever) to one of my good friends; she just happened to get a better job in the game, darn lucky girl ;) ) She's also a sore loser though, so it was for the best that she prevailed.... However, I'm a sore loser, too, so were a poor game-playing match!  Speaking of games, I know 2 people who met at the JCC Game Night and subsequently got married!! So whatever your cup of tea, if you make an effort to be social within your interests, you will find your besheret (ie "The One," Prince Charming, Mr. Right) 

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PS Can you tell how manic I am from this post?? All my posts will probably resemble this one for awhile.... and I'm not even supposed to be online (OOPS! :) Sorry fam+doc!)

Um yeah....

That new job didn't quite work out.  I'm pretty upset, but it gives me time to heal b/c I am suffering from a major mental illness right now.

Besides the "sex life" issue, this was one other reason I wanted to keep my blog anonymous. I'd like to be able to speak openly about everything, be it my political, sexual, spiritual or mental opinions and conditions (and positions ;) )

Heh, anyway, part of my illness prohibits (or at least severely limits) my online time... e.g. once every 3 days, which is why I haven't been able to post lately. Once I'm on the road to recovery, I'll certainly post, b/c I have lots of thoughts about everything I've gone through.

Gotta jet....

Thanks in advance for everyone's support and understanding .

 

HIATUS

I am on a brief hiatus but will be back soon with lots of exciting posts (many currently in draft form, about my life, current events, Jewish stuff, etc.)

I am starting a new job later this month (YAY!!) :) and am too busy with other tachlis right now to be dealing with this blog.

.....BUT STAY POSTED.....

:)