My Brain is Fuzzy

I am simply unable to function. I am sitting here in front of my computer, completely unable to focus. I can't even properly word a single bullet or objective statement on my resume. I am just staring at the screen, frustrated that the words do not come to me. Did I mention that I wrote a thesis of 75+ words and graduated summa cum laude?

All this f*cking medicine is bogging me down. I know it. I never had these problems in college....though I did have it before I was on meds in my first job out of college, so I'm not sure how to explain that (lost the job after a year and a half due to an inability to meet deadlines, follow instructions (I always wanted to do things my way) and chronic lateness.)

But nonetheless, how the hell will I ever hold down a job when I can't even apply for one? I have been trying ("trying") to do it for months upon months, with no success. I have not sent out a SINGLE resume. Okay, that's a lie. I sent out one resume for a temporary admin job at a friend's company. They hired me, but subsequently fired me when I overslept on the FIRST DAY! Yeah, I am a fucking wreck. And that was months ago.

I am now off two of my five meds. I'd like to be off ALL of them. I've been going to a support group recently. Many of the people are not on meds... and you know what, they still suffer from the same problems. Why should I take all this f*cking medicine that is seriously interfering with my life, when my day-to-day existence would probably be the same (or BETTER). I wish I could drop it all cold turkey, but I don't know what would happen. Would I get sick, go through withdrawal? Am I "addicted," so to speak? I'm like Dr. House and his Vicodin. HA.

The last two days (well, the last two & a half weeks actually), I did nothing... Crawled out of bed around noon (sometimes earlier, often later), played on the computer (including maybe a handful of "networking" emails), ate a little bit of what I had lying around, then watched some TV in the early evening, convinced that I would do work before bedtime... but then never did.

The good news, however, is that my unemployment benefits might not be expiring the end of the year. The way they calculate all the extended and emergency benefits and eligible dates and exclusions, etc. is so freaking confusing. Even when I spoke to someone at the Department of Labor, that person was unable to tell me anything useful. I was like, HELLO, I need to know if my benefits are running out this month!! But it looks like they might not be...

The bad news, however, is that I am SCREWED big time if they do end this week (THIS WEEK!) I have enough money to last me two months. If I liquidate my Roth IRA, that would be another three months (which would be a terribly stupid thing to do... I already haven't been contributing to it and don't have much in there).

I can't believe I considered skiing this week... With what money?! I have a $400+ credit card bill due in a few weeks and I will probably have to pay it out of savings. SHIT. Oh and the rent before that. Just brilliant.

I haven't even been grocery shopping. That is stupid. If I drop anything, it should be my health insurance for a couple months. That's $350/month, whereas groceries are $100-150/month. And I can't just cut out groceries! I need to eat. I need fuel if I'm even going to try to accomplish anything.

I have been skipping most social engagements the last couple weeks. Well, I went to a cafe and spent $20 with a friend last week. I went to another friend's birthday dinner, but ate leftovers beforehand (instead of paying $30 at the steakhouse). I lied and said I wasn't feeling well. And I went to a Chanukah party, but I volunteered to help out, so I could go for free. At least I'm a little innovative sometimes.

But seriously...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???