Vacation is miserable

I acknowledge that miserable is a strong word, but I am struggling financially, career-wise and relationship-wise. Here's a brief introduction to the status quo of my life at the present moment. You will have the joy of reading specific humorous anecdotes at a later date.

Finances

Money is a problem. I am very fortunate to be living in a rent-stabilized apartment, but I am still taking in very little in terms of income. It (my income) is quite erratic actually, and I just got screwed out of a freelance gig recently. I still have to send an invoice to someone for work done last month and I am nervous that the guy will refuse to pay it. I would like to go on vacation, either locally or far away, and even though I have (meager) savings, I am reluctant to use them. I need to have a little bit of reserves... (though I am proud to say that I have ZERO debt.)

Career

I am still floundering. I am 27 years old. I should have a better sense of what I want do. Hell, even a career path that I am uncertain of would be a step up from where I am. But I have had no stability whatsoever. A different employer every year (and a few jobs that lasted fewer than a few months). I have been covered by every major health insurance company at some point or another, and it has been a huge pain in the ass, to say the least. (My opinions on healthcare are a whole 'nother story.)

Anyway, here I am, doing random things that a chick with a summa cum laude degree, simply should not be doing. I need a stable job, a stable income, and an enjoyment of what I do. Forget about looking and responding to ads. I can barely work on my resume because I am so terrified of failure. I have a huge network of friends, but it is hard to use them as connections because I don't know what the hell I want to do.

This past fall, I decided I was going to hit up my friends for "informational interviews," to go to their workplaces, spend a few hours with them and see what it is they do, and see if I'd like to do it. Perhaps I need to go ahead and do that now. However, I am reluctant to go back to school for fear that I will be wasting my money, and ultimately deciding not to pursue a particular field.

I need to do a really good assessment of my skills and figure out which job field might suit me. Everyone I know who has gone to a career counselor has not had much luck. I think it's a similar experience to matchmakers. How the hell can someone truly know you and your skills and your quirks and your personality to match you to someone (or to a field/job)? I need to figure it out on my own, I think, and use my friends & family & maybe some self-help job books as guidance.

Why couldn't I have gone to law school? I am really good at detail-oriented tasks and research projects. I excel at those. Those are skills that are useful in law. But I was not going to jump on the bandwagon just because my friends were doing it. To have piles of papers on my desk and crazy bureaucracy and obscene hours did not appeal to me.... though I do know people who work for the government, derive more enjoyment from work, have more normal hours... and make very little money compared to their private-sector peers (and will probably spend more than a decade paying off loans.)

Relationships & Dating

I have not dated much in the last 9 months. I had a few very short-lived casual things this past summer (essentially pretty innocent one-night-stands; one was in the desert under the stars; it's too bad I wasn't so taken with him b/c it would have been even more romantic) and I had a date recently with a guy that I became obsessed with for a short amount of time. I don't think it was because he deserved it (he was just an ordinary nice Jewish boy), but because I have been so desperate for intimacy. And not sexual intimacy necessarily. I think my meds have largely stolen that away from me. Although from past experience, I have learned that a guy who knows what he is doing can satisfy me. Perhaps the meds have no effect on my sex life, and I just have an emotional problem getting attached to someone.

Ever since I've been diagnosed (bipolar disorder, for you new readers), I have been hesitant to get close to anyone. My last boyfriend wanted to know what was wrong and why I was withdrawing from him. However, I don't think it was my fear of commitment and sharing my problems with him, as much as it was a simple disinterest in him. I like to think that when I meet the right guy, I will know it, and I will more easily be able to open up to him, knowing withougt a doubt that he will be supportive.

[end of kvetching]

Resuming the Blog...

I have had no posts for 2007 and the year is virtually over!

I will do my best to write some interesting and entertaining content for my readers soon.

Happy holidays!

:)