I am simply unable to function. I am sitting here in front of my computer, completely unable to focus. I can't even properly word a single bullet or objective statement on my resume. I am just staring at the screen, frustrated that the words do not come to me. Did I mention that I wrote a thesis of 75+ words and graduated summa cum laude?
All this f*cking medicine is bogging me down. I know it. I never had these problems in college....though I did have it before I was on meds in my first job out of college, so I'm not sure how to explain that (lost the job after a year and a half due to an inability to meet deadlines, follow instructions (I always wanted to do things my way) and chronic lateness.)
But nonetheless, how the hell will I ever hold down a job when I can't even apply for one? I have been trying ("trying") to do it for months upon months, with no success. I have not sent out a SINGLE resume. Okay, that's a lie. I sent out one resume for a temporary admin job at a friend's company. They hired me, but subsequently fired me when I overslept on the FIRST DAY! Yeah, I am a fucking wreck. And that was months ago.
I am now off two of my five meds. I'd like to be off ALL of them. I've been going to a support group recently. Many of the people are not on meds... and you know what, they still suffer from the same problems. Why should I take all this f*cking medicine that is seriously interfering with my life, when my day-to-day existence would probably be the same (or BETTER). I wish I could drop it all cold turkey, but I don't know what would happen. Would I get sick, go through withdrawal? Am I "addicted," so to speak? I'm like Dr. House and his Vicodin. HA.
The last two days (well, the last two & a half weeks actually), I did nothing... Crawled out of bed around noon (sometimes earlier, often later), played on the computer (including maybe a handful of "networking" emails), ate a little bit of what I had lying around, then watched some TV in the early evening, convinced that I would do work before bedtime... but then never did.
The good news, however, is that my unemployment benefits might not be expiring the end of the year. The way they calculate all the extended and emergency benefits and eligible dates and exclusions, etc. is so freaking confusing. Even when I spoke to someone at the Department of Labor, that person was unable to tell me anything useful. I was like, HELLO, I need to know if my benefits are running out this month!! But it looks like they might not be...
The bad news, however, is that I am SCREWED big time if they do end this week (THIS WEEK!) I have enough money to last me two months. If I liquidate my Roth IRA, that would be another three months (which would be a terribly stupid thing to do... I already haven't been contributing to it and don't have much in there).
I can't believe I considered skiing this week... With what money?! I have a $400+ credit card bill due in a few weeks and I will probably have to pay it out of savings. SHIT. Oh and the rent before that. Just brilliant.
I haven't even been grocery shopping. That is stupid. If I drop anything, it should be my health insurance for a couple months. That's $350/month, whereas groceries are $100-150/month. And I can't just cut out groceries! I need to eat. I need fuel if I'm even going to try to accomplish anything.
I have been skipping most social engagements the last couple weeks. Well, I went to a cafe and spent $20 with a friend last week. I went to another friend's birthday dinner, but ate leftovers beforehand (instead of paying $30 at the steakhouse). I lied and said I wasn't feeling well. And I went to a Chanukah party, but I volunteered to help out, so I could go for free. At least I'm a little innovative sometimes.
But seriously...
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A Trip Down Memory Lane
After our first year at college, my childhood best friend made me a small scrapbook with all sorts of cute cutouts of words & pictures, stickers, glitter and very sweet accompanying text. Reading it, I got nostalgic. It also made me feel good about myself because of the kind (and true?) things she wrote. Here are some excerpts:
Unfortunately, those long roads came to an end six or so years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't lash out at her or get crazy irritable or anything like that. I simply told her about my diagnosis, assuming she'd be as supportive as she had always been. Instead, she didn't really take me seriously and said, "Oh, well we all have our ups and downs," and pretty much doubted that I had anything more serious and challenging than anyone else. Though I tried to explain my situation to her, she refused to be understanding. Totally crushed me. I ended our friendship right then and there. It's sad actually, but I suppose I still have some good memories...
The point is that we may not remember everything we say, but when I get off the phone, I always feel better because there is someone else in this universe that feels as passionately about certain issues as I do...
...The fact of the matter is that you have helped me survive the sunny and rainy days alike. I've always been able to turn to & rely upon you for advice & support.
I just want you to know how much I have always admired you as a person... I admire your independent spirit & your ability to be both a born leader & a challenger. You've got an Imagination. Guts. Brains. And a Soul. More than anything else though, I respect the way you respect your religion, your family, yourself & most of all, your friends... I truly appreciate all of this & your creative genius that has helped me to revert to childish behavior frequently but that has also helped me to quite simply enjoy life a little bit more than usual... No doubt we absolutely have very long, long roads ahead of us...
Unfortunately, those long roads came to an end six or so years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't lash out at her or get crazy irritable or anything like that. I simply told her about my diagnosis, assuming she'd be as supportive as she had always been. Instead, she didn't really take me seriously and said, "Oh, well we all have our ups and downs," and pretty much doubted that I had anything more serious and challenging than anyone else. Though I tried to explain my situation to her, she refused to be understanding. Totally crushed me. I ended our friendship right then and there. It's sad actually, but I suppose I still have some good memories...
Friday, October 23, 2009
Things about me III
(cont from 2006)
109. My favorite animal is a monkey.
110. My latest favorite ice cream flavor is "chocolate whiskey brownie" from Screme. Wow.
111. I am a tea girl. Especially with nana.
112. I need to find some bars with fireplaces for the winter.
113. I need to earn some money so I can go skiing.
114. I need to find a new roommate. Ideally someone who is never around.
115. I am on an event committee for the first time after all these years.
116. I am becoming more removed from Judaism. Culturally, I cling to it.
117. I don't think I believe in G-d!
118. I just bought $10 sandals (originally $80). Go me!
119. I'm hoping my shoemaker will make me a very happy girl 'cause I can't afford new tall sexy boots!
120. I need to find some really good reading material (fiction)
121. I need to find some good websites with news synopses and links for more detailed reporting and analyses. I simply lack the patience to browse the NYT website anymore. I am really not informed anymore and it makes me feel stupid when others start talking about politics and healthcare and whatnot.
122. Part of why I haven't been reading the news is that I'm kind of apathetic. I simply don't see how things directly affect me, so I'm not interested. (how's that for self-absorption!?)
123. I still look at married people as grown-ups while singles simply haven't reached that milestone yet. Even my friends who are pushing 40. (!)
124. I have a big crush, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Story of my life. He's a couple years younger, ba'al teshuva, sweet, and kind of an enigma to me.
125. I am on the national board of an organization now. Wow. Unfortunately, it doesn't really carry responsibility.
126. Israel - or aliyah, at least - seems like a pipe dream now.
127. I need more art in my life. Actively creating art is very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
128. I saw five guys who I had hooked up with on Simchas Torah. It doesn't even really faze me anymore!
129. I need to get out more. There is SO much to do here that I don't take advantage of. I am only going to be young and single in New York City for a little while longer (b'ezrat hashem... and I say I'm not religious!)
130. I am so unproductive. It's more than procrastinating. It's like an active decision to do nothing. What's wrong with me?
131. I really like to dance and will do so alone in front of my mirror!
132. I rarely take taxis.
133. I should take up pilates again.
134. I've still got game (at least 2 cuties hit on me this past Saturday night).
135. I would like to see the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. That's my kind of art.
136. I am thinking about giving this blog URL to my best friend. She knows everything anyway.
137. I still actively try to anonymize what I write in this blog. I'm so paranoid that someone will find out my identity. In fact, I'm pretty close to figuring out the identity of another New York blogger that I've been following.
138. I have a pen-pal with bipolar disorder, but we don't write that often. She is great to share experiences with... oh and she is the only one who reads this blog that has met me in person!
139. I give really good massages.
140. I enjoy walking in the rain. Without an umbrella.
141. I am the world's slowest shopper. Because I'm indecisive. And broke.
142. I am a total extrovert, but I haven't been able to "type" my personality completely. My answers are never conclusive.
143. I recently made my second shidduch (match). Two good friends met through me and are now seriously dating. This makes me happy. They are both wonderful people.
144. I get Time Out New York for free. I don't know why, but I don't complain. It's my Bible for what to do in New York. And I like the "Get Naked" column :)
145. I dread winter because depression lurks behind every corner.
146. I love winter because I can ski. And wear cute hats. And have hot chocolate. And go sledding, too!
147. I used to love gymnastics. I would love to go to a weekly class for grown-ups where I could jump on a trampoline, do the trapeze and all other sorts of fun things! (Well I could, but it would cost a fortune. It's called Chelsea Piers.)
148. I think I have had "Resume" on my to-do list every day for the last few years!
149. I am lucky for so many reasons and I rarely appreciate it enough.
150. I pity myself way too much. It probably impedes progress.
151. I worry about my parents' relationship.
152. I love to drive. Such a feeling of freedom.
153. I have become much more old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I actually follow some of "The Rules."
154. I have great hair and a pretty good body. I should do more to maintain the latter!
155. I enjoy having girlfriends over for TV or movie nights.
156. I graduated college summa cum laude.
157. I used to love Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
158. I keep kosher out of habit. But I don't think I could ever not.
159. I love hosting meals and parties, but I get very stressed out.
160. Several of my friends have written books. I should get around to doing that.
161. I am a total grammar FREAK. Errors in spelling, apostrophes and homonyms especially drive me up the wall. It really causes me to judge people when I find out they are so incompetent (on facebook, in advertisements, etc.)
162. I love my bed. I love sharing it, too :)
109. My favorite animal is a monkey.
110. My latest favorite ice cream flavor is "chocolate whiskey brownie" from Screme. Wow.
111. I am a tea girl. Especially with nana.
112. I need to find some bars with fireplaces for the winter.
113. I need to earn some money so I can go skiing.
114. I need to find a new roommate. Ideally someone who is never around.
115. I am on an event committee for the first time after all these years.
116. I am becoming more removed from Judaism. Culturally, I cling to it.
117. I don't think I believe in G-d!
118. I just bought $10 sandals (originally $80). Go me!
119. I'm hoping my shoemaker will make me a very happy girl 'cause I can't afford new tall sexy boots!
120. I need to find some really good reading material (fiction)
121. I need to find some good websites with news synopses and links for more detailed reporting and analyses. I simply lack the patience to browse the NYT website anymore. I am really not informed anymore and it makes me feel stupid when others start talking about politics and healthcare and whatnot.
122. Part of why I haven't been reading the news is that I'm kind of apathetic. I simply don't see how things directly affect me, so I'm not interested. (how's that for self-absorption!?)
123. I still look at married people as grown-ups while singles simply haven't reached that milestone yet. Even my friends who are pushing 40. (!)
124. I have a big crush, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Story of my life. He's a couple years younger, ba'al teshuva, sweet, and kind of an enigma to me.
125. I am on the national board of an organization now. Wow. Unfortunately, it doesn't really carry responsibility.
126. Israel - or aliyah, at least - seems like a pipe dream now.
127. I need more art in my life. Actively creating art is very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
128. I saw five guys who I had hooked up with on Simchas Torah. It doesn't even really faze me anymore!
129. I need to get out more. There is SO much to do here that I don't take advantage of. I am only going to be young and single in New York City for a little while longer (b'ezrat hashem... and I say I'm not religious!)
130. I am so unproductive. It's more than procrastinating. It's like an active decision to do nothing. What's wrong with me?
131. I really like to dance and will do so alone in front of my mirror!
132. I rarely take taxis.
133. I should take up pilates again.
134. I've still got game (at least 2 cuties hit on me this past Saturday night).
135. I would like to see the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. That's my kind of art.
136. I am thinking about giving this blog URL to my best friend. She knows everything anyway.
137. I still actively try to anonymize what I write in this blog. I'm so paranoid that someone will find out my identity. In fact, I'm pretty close to figuring out the identity of another New York blogger that I've been following.
138. I have a pen-pal with bipolar disorder, but we don't write that often. She is great to share experiences with... oh and she is the only one who reads this blog that has met me in person!
139. I give really good massages.
140. I enjoy walking in the rain. Without an umbrella.
141. I am the world's slowest shopper. Because I'm indecisive. And broke.
142. I am a total extrovert, but I haven't been able to "type" my personality completely. My answers are never conclusive.
143. I recently made my second shidduch (match). Two good friends met through me and are now seriously dating. This makes me happy. They are both wonderful people.
144. I get Time Out New York for free. I don't know why, but I don't complain. It's my Bible for what to do in New York. And I like the "Get Naked" column :)
145. I dread winter because depression lurks behind every corner.
146. I love winter because I can ski. And wear cute hats. And have hot chocolate. And go sledding, too!
147. I used to love gymnastics. I would love to go to a weekly class for grown-ups where I could jump on a trampoline, do the trapeze and all other sorts of fun things! (Well I could, but it would cost a fortune. It's called Chelsea Piers.)
148. I think I have had "Resume" on my to-do list every day for the last few years!
149. I am lucky for so many reasons and I rarely appreciate it enough.
150. I pity myself way too much. It probably impedes progress.
151. I worry about my parents' relationship.
152. I love to drive. Such a feeling of freedom.
153. I have become much more old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I actually follow some of "The Rules."
154. I have great hair and a pretty good body. I should do more to maintain the latter!
155. I enjoy having girlfriends over for TV or movie nights.
156. I graduated college summa cum laude.
157. I used to love Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
158. I keep kosher out of habit. But I don't think I could ever not.
159. I love hosting meals and parties, but I get very stressed out.
160. Several of my friends have written books. I should get around to doing that.
161. I am a total grammar FREAK. Errors in spelling, apostrophes and homonyms especially drive me up the wall. It really causes me to judge people when I find out they are so incompetent (on facebook, in advertisements, etc.)
162. I love my bed. I love sharing it, too :)
this is the song that never ends.... it just goes on and on, my friends....
Well, it's the story of my life. It's a broken record. I'm happy, but I'm depressed. I'm "stable," but I'm not functioning. I'm confident, but I'm terrified. I'm outgoing, but I'm hiding. And no one knows.
I am now getting more depressed than ever when I realized how much older I'm getting. College is becoming but a distant memory, which is really really really sad. When my parents told me that it would be the best years of my life, I had no idea how true it would be. Now here I am more than a decade later, lamenting the fact that I am the least accomplished of everyone I know. Sure I have an active social life, but I am not intellectually involved, passionate about anything or accomplished in any career. I am the classic underachiever, yet I don't understand when I suddenly switched from being an overachiever who was motivated, excited and driven to someone who does the bare minimum to get by.
I need to make a change. What I really need is therapy. My best friend has been telling me this for years. I meet with my psychiatrist about every six weeks so he can gauge how I'm doing and manage my meds. But my day-to-day problems continue to persist and persist and persist. Like I said, it's a broken record. Read any of my posts in this blog. Nothing has changed. Pathetic really.
Now I'm holed up in my apartment when I should be out celebrating Shabbat with friends or strangers. It matters not. But I'm alone. I've isolated myself. I want to cry.
And I'm being melodramatic, it's true. I should set some goals for myself. I should celebrate the small steps in the right direction. 'Cause that's what it takes. That's how I can start.
I am now getting more depressed than ever when I realized how much older I'm getting. College is becoming but a distant memory, which is really really really sad. When my parents told me that it would be the best years of my life, I had no idea how true it would be. Now here I am more than a decade later, lamenting the fact that I am the least accomplished of everyone I know. Sure I have an active social life, but I am not intellectually involved, passionate about anything or accomplished in any career. I am the classic underachiever, yet I don't understand when I suddenly switched from being an overachiever who was motivated, excited and driven to someone who does the bare minimum to get by.
I need to make a change. What I really need is therapy. My best friend has been telling me this for years. I meet with my psychiatrist about every six weeks so he can gauge how I'm doing and manage my meds. But my day-to-day problems continue to persist and persist and persist. Like I said, it's a broken record. Read any of my posts in this blog. Nothing has changed. Pathetic really.
Now I'm holed up in my apartment when I should be out celebrating Shabbat with friends or strangers. It matters not. But I'm alone. I've isolated myself. I want to cry.
And I'm being melodramatic, it's true. I should set some goals for myself. I should celebrate the small steps in the right direction. 'Cause that's what it takes. That's how I can start.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I am in a rut...mostly
My social life is good, but I can't get my life together otherwise. I have been staying in bed and doing nothing all day for days on end. Yet, when I go out and see friends and take trips, I am pretty much fine. I just have no internal motivation, nothing to drive me to move forward in any respect. I don't even have it in me to clean my room or organize my desk. I feel like I can't get anything accomplished unless my living space is comfortable and clear.
In any case, I need to get my shit together because my unemployment benefits are running out and I kind of need to pay my bills! I did do a focus group a couple weeks ago which was pretty awesome. I need to do more of those - what an easy way to make money. In fact, I'd probably be pretty good as the focus group facilitator. The chick simply facilitated a conversation with us, something which I am pretty good at.
So despite it all, summer in NYC is pretty cool. I have been seeing movies outdoors, going to see performances in Central Park and walking the city in cute sandals.
I also have a budding romance with the gentleman described in the previous post! I got a little bit in over my head after first meeting him, but we have gone out and I do like him... and he *is* a great kisser! We will be going out again this weekend.
Oh and also, I have made a couple new girlfriends who are really fabulous...easy to talk to and up for doing fun things in the city.
I have decided that if I could hold down a decent job that my life would be complete. Except for that, all the pieces of my life are together. I have an apartment, great social life (friends + dating), close family and a love of the city.
As for my chemical (im)balance, I can't quite figure out where I am... a lot of symptoms of depression, but at times, hypomania kind of setting in (this was more apparent a month ago). I am clearly happy and functional when I actually leave the house and interact with others. Hmmm... I will never be normal; even if I become "stabilized," it can only be temporary and there is always the looming threat of regression into one state or another.
Need to get over this all and somehow get inspired...
In any case, I need to get my shit together because my unemployment benefits are running out and I kind of need to pay my bills! I did do a focus group a couple weeks ago which was pretty awesome. I need to do more of those - what an easy way to make money. In fact, I'd probably be pretty good as the focus group facilitator. The chick simply facilitated a conversation with us, something which I am pretty good at.
So despite it all, summer in NYC is pretty cool. I have been seeing movies outdoors, going to see performances in Central Park and walking the city in cute sandals.
I also have a budding romance with the gentleman described in the previous post! I got a little bit in over my head after first meeting him, but we have gone out and I do like him... and he *is* a great kisser! We will be going out again this weekend.
Oh and also, I have made a couple new girlfriends who are really fabulous...easy to talk to and up for doing fun things in the city.
I have decided that if I could hold down a decent job that my life would be complete. Except for that, all the pieces of my life are together. I have an apartment, great social life (friends + dating), close family and a love of the city.
As for my chemical (im)balance, I can't quite figure out where I am... a lot of symptoms of depression, but at times, hypomania kind of setting in (this was more apparent a month ago). I am clearly happy and functional when I actually leave the house and interact with others. Hmmm... I will never be normal; even if I become "stabilized," it can only be temporary and there is always the looming threat of regression into one state or another.
Need to get over this all and somehow get inspired...
Friday, June 05, 2009
Smitten...
I am smitten like never before (or that I can recall)!!!
I met the most adorable sweet Jewish guy at a party last night. So cute/hot that I almost think he's out of my league, but we had great conversation and flirted very much! At the end of the night he kissed me and it was like the earth stopped. Lightning and thunder. Fireworks. Butterflies. WOW. AMAZING. I was totally lost in the moment and wanted to kiss him forever. And now I can't stop thinking about him!! I know I shouldn't get my hopes up though....even though we really connected and he had that LOOK in his eyes of being really into me :) He asked me out and got my digits, but we didn't set a date...
At first, I was just so excited about him and immediately told a few close friends and my sister.....but now I'm starting to worry that perhaps my reaction is elevated and I am not totally in my right mind (ie kind of manic-y). I am recalling the last time I got completely obsessed with a guy and it was one of my worst episodes ever. I thought I was in love with him and he just withdrew from me because I was too intense.
So now the question is, how do I know if I am having normal feelings and butterflies or if I am getting too over-excited and exaggerating things....I mean, I did just dump a guy recently...whom I had no feelings for. I stayed with him because I thought I would grow to like him more, and besides, I was losing hope that any guy would want to be with me, so maybe I should keep him. (I'm so glad I overcame that ridiculous thought.)
So perhaps, I'm not so out of whack if the last guy didn't make me fall head over heels and this guy did.... It has do with the guy, not my current chemical balance, right?.....However, on second thought, my doc just upped my anti-depressant and decreased my lithium. OY. He told me that I would start feeling more up.....but as long as it's not *too* far up, this high feeling is *REALLY* great!! (and a legal way to get to this state!)
What to do, what to do!? I am waiting on pins and needles for him to call. But I need to force myself to take it slow.
(But WOW, if he kisses like that...it's an indicator of what's to come! I hope!)
I met the most adorable sweet Jewish guy at a party last night. So cute/hot that I almost think he's out of my league, but we had great conversation and flirted very much! At the end of the night he kissed me and it was like the earth stopped. Lightning and thunder. Fireworks. Butterflies. WOW. AMAZING. I was totally lost in the moment and wanted to kiss him forever. And now I can't stop thinking about him!! I know I shouldn't get my hopes up though....even though we really connected and he had that LOOK in his eyes of being really into me :) He asked me out and got my digits, but we didn't set a date...
At first, I was just so excited about him and immediately told a few close friends and my sister.....but now I'm starting to worry that perhaps my reaction is elevated and I am not totally in my right mind (ie kind of manic-y). I am recalling the last time I got completely obsessed with a guy and it was one of my worst episodes ever. I thought I was in love with him and he just withdrew from me because I was too intense.
So now the question is, how do I know if I am having normal feelings and butterflies or if I am getting too over-excited and exaggerating things....I mean, I did just dump a guy recently...whom I had no feelings for. I stayed with him because I thought I would grow to like him more, and besides, I was losing hope that any guy would want to be with me, so maybe I should keep him. (I'm so glad I overcame that ridiculous thought.)
So perhaps, I'm not so out of whack if the last guy didn't make me fall head over heels and this guy did.... It has do with the guy, not my current chemical balance, right?.....However, on second thought, my doc just upped my anti-depressant and decreased my lithium. OY. He told me that I would start feeling more up.....but as long as it's not *too* far up, this high feeling is *REALLY* great!! (and a legal way to get to this state!)
What to do, what to do!? I am waiting on pins and needles for him to call. But I need to force myself to take it slow.
(But WOW, if he kisses like that...it's an indicator of what's to come! I hope!)
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Musings
It's winter. I enjoy walking outside in my cute winter coats, hats and mittens. Breathing in the chilly air. The festive lights lining Broadway are heralding in a new season of love and giving. Perhaps...
I am doing better than I have been lately. However, I am really down on myself when I consider where I am nearly six years after graduating college. I compare myself to others to no end. I see people making more money, having nicer apartments (without roommates), being professional, having grown-up conversations to which I feel too dumb to contribute (which is of course ridiculous) and just being happier, more productive members of society. And then I see so many of my peers who are happily married and with cute little kids running around. It is reassuring to see that many of these young parents are older though (eg late thirties). It gives me a little hope.
In other news, I got a job! It is a sales position at a huge corporate entity which should have some good benefits... if I can hold down the job. Wow, there is promise. I'm quite nervous though and have very little confidence that I will succeed. I just hope that I won't regret not having done more to investigate job fields and whatnot during all this downtime that I have had. By the way, I found a new website called the Unemployed Tourist that has all kinds of cheap/free things to do in NYC from 9-5.. Hmm... wish I had found that earlier!
I guess things are on the up and up... we'll see how things go...
PS It's snowing now! Flurries are so pretty from inside where it's nice & warm & toasty!
I am doing better than I have been lately. However, I am really down on myself when I consider where I am nearly six years after graduating college. I compare myself to others to no end. I see people making more money, having nicer apartments (without roommates), being professional, having grown-up conversations to which I feel too dumb to contribute (which is of course ridiculous) and just being happier, more productive members of society. And then I see so many of my peers who are happily married and with cute little kids running around. It is reassuring to see that many of these young parents are older though (eg late thirties). It gives me a little hope.
In other news, I got a job! It is a sales position at a huge corporate entity which should have some good benefits... if I can hold down the job. Wow, there is promise. I'm quite nervous though and have very little confidence that I will succeed. I just hope that I won't regret not having done more to investigate job fields and whatnot during all this downtime that I have had. By the way, I found a new website called the Unemployed Tourist that has all kinds of cheap/free things to do in NYC from 9-5.. Hmm... wish I had found that earlier!
I guess things are on the up and up... we'll see how things go...
PS It's snowing now! Flurries are so pretty from inside where it's nice & warm & toasty!
Monday, October 20, 2008
"Meet Your Match"
Apparently, the 92nd Street Y thinks that I am old, desperate and pathetic! I received a bright pink large postcard in the mail from them to "Meet Your Match." All the events are for ages 30s, 40s & 50s (mostly skewed toward older), with titles like "How to Meet More Men After 40" and "Deeper Dating." Thanks a lot, 92Y! I guess it shows that it could be worse...
I don't even go to singles events for 20s...or at least, events that are billed that way. Plenty of parties, events and trips are geared toward singles, without being "singles events." I truly believe that I am going to meet my besheret regardless of which parties I choose to go to. G-d will make it happen! (I hope... Of course, in every other regard, I have little faith, but that's another post for another time.)
Yet, the older I get, the slimmer the prospects... A 24- or 25-year-old guy (I hesitate to call him a "man" and am tempted to write "boy"!) flirted shamelessly with me the other night, but it went nowhere. If he had been a gentleman and walked me home, perhaps I would have invited him up! His loss!
(with apologies to any single readers who meet the above demographic requirements for these programs!)
I don't even go to singles events for 20s...or at least, events that are billed that way. Plenty of parties, events and trips are geared toward singles, without being "singles events." I truly believe that I am going to meet my besheret regardless of which parties I choose to go to. G-d will make it happen! (I hope... Of course, in every other regard, I have little faith, but that's another post for another time.)
Yet, the older I get, the slimmer the prospects... A 24- or 25-year-old guy (I hesitate to call him a "man" and am tempted to write "boy"!) flirted shamelessly with me the other night, but it went nowhere. If he had been a gentleman and walked me home, perhaps I would have invited him up! His loss!
(with apologies to any single readers who meet the above demographic requirements for these programs!)
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
$100,000
It's a bit of an outrageous goal, but it's what I'd like to earn in FY2009. If I get the kind of job I am aiming to get and work really hard, it is feasible...
How I would spend it:
$45,000 taxes?
$24,000 living expenses
$18,000 savings/investment/RothIRA
$5,000 tzedakah (charity)
$4,000 travel
$2,000 clothes
$2,000 pay back debt
How does that sound? I'll let you know if it happens!!!
How I would spend it:
$45,000 taxes?
$24,000 living expenses
$18,000 savings/investment/RothIRA
$5,000 tzedakah (charity)
$4,000 travel
$2,000 clothes
$2,000 pay back debt
How does that sound? I'll let you know if it happens!!!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
DVR Disrupts Law & Order!
I am not a big TV watcher...which is why I love my DVR. I can tape shows and then watch them at my leisure. I have movies saved up in the queue for when I might want 'em, too. (In short, DVR helps accommodate my active social life in Manhattan - yeah right!)
However, today, my DVR failed me. I was watching a real-time Law & Order: Criminal Intent and it had me sitting on the edge of my seat and biting my nails. There were five minutes left in the show, when an alert popped up on the bottom of the screen asking whether or not I wanted to keep or cancel a scheduled DVR recording. I realized that since I had paused the Law & Order show for awhile, and then started watching it 20 minutes later, it had been "taped." The DVR system only allows for the taping of one show at a time.
In any case, long story short, my show was suddenly obliterated from my screen (right in the middle of an intense interrogation!) and one of my roommate's shows popped up. SO annoying!
So, by any chance, did anyone see the L&I episode tonight (9-10pm) in which a seedy lawyer has a string of affairs and murders all the mistresses? I want to know what happened! Actually, I can guess. I just wish I could have seen it for myself!
Anyway, I can get my Law and Order fix whenever I want since I've got a bunch of shows in my DVR queue :)
On a related note, I decided that I think I prefer L&I:CI to L&I:SVU. Vincent D'Onofrio is just a great actor and I love watching him. Also, the chick is cool and the one on SVU kind of annoys me.
However, today, my DVR failed me. I was watching a real-time Law & Order: Criminal Intent and it had me sitting on the edge of my seat and biting my nails. There were five minutes left in the show, when an alert popped up on the bottom of the screen asking whether or not I wanted to keep or cancel a scheduled DVR recording. I realized that since I had paused the Law & Order show for awhile, and then started watching it 20 minutes later, it had been "taped." The DVR system only allows for the taping of one show at a time.
In any case, long story short, my show was suddenly obliterated from my screen (right in the middle of an intense interrogation!) and one of my roommate's shows popped up. SO annoying!
So, by any chance, did anyone see the L&I episode tonight (9-10pm) in which a seedy lawyer has a string of affairs and murders all the mistresses? I want to know what happened! Actually, I can guess. I just wish I could have seen it for myself!
Anyway, I can get my Law and Order fix whenever I want since I've got a bunch of shows in my DVR queue :)
On a related note, I decided that I think I prefer L&I:CI to L&I:SVU. Vincent D'Onofrio is just a great actor and I love watching him. Also, the chick is cool and the one on SVU kind of annoys me.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Dysfunctional Community
A friend of mine has described the Upper West Side (Jewish-particularly Orthodox) dating community as dysfunctional. It's very close-knit and people tend to socialize and date within the community, yet are unwilling to settle down. I think that this trend mirrors a larger trend within NYC (and other urban areas), namely that young singles are committment-phobic and insatiable. There's gotta be something better (eg a partner) around the corner. Besides, being single is so much more fun!
For young observant Jews (not me, not so much...well kind of), however, the delay in getting married is starting to be labeled as a "crisis." Yesterday, a documentary addressing this subject aired on NYCTV. Here's the trailer:
I haven't yet watched it (that's what DVR is for!)
For young observant Jews (not me, not so much...well kind of), however, the delay in getting married is starting to be labeled as a "crisis." Yesterday, a documentary addressing this subject aired on NYCTV. Here's the trailer:
I haven't yet watched it (that's what DVR is for!)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
"Help me with my English please..."
...was the theme of last night's date.
We had fun flirting and talking and joking around... but at the end of the night, he was weird. I thought there was chemistry, but when I touched his arm during dinner and his back while we were looking at a map together, he did nothing. When he dropped me off at the subway, he was about to walk away without even giving me a hug (or a handshake or high 5 or anything!) -- until I initiated it. It was awkward. Why?! I will be really surprised if he calls me. I thought we had a fun time. The end just weirded me out. Could he have really been that awkward or was he just not interested? Hmmm...
In the meantime, I have not heard from Dr. Gorgeous... I'm not so disappointed because I know he's out of my league... but I would like to be his friend and/or set him up with someone else! I suppose he's not in the habit of making new female friends though because I bet they all fall in love with him!!
Honestly, men are just a different species. I should stop acting so surprised. I've been dating for more than a decade now!
We had fun flirting and talking and joking around... but at the end of the night, he was weird. I thought there was chemistry, but when I touched his arm during dinner and his back while we were looking at a map together, he did nothing. When he dropped me off at the subway, he was about to walk away without even giving me a hug (or a handshake or high 5 or anything!) -- until I initiated it. It was awkward. Why?! I will be really surprised if he calls me. I thought we had a fun time. The end just weirded me out. Could he have really been that awkward or was he just not interested? Hmmm...
In the meantime, I have not heard from Dr. Gorgeous... I'm not so disappointed because I know he's out of my league... but I would like to be his friend and/or set him up with someone else! I suppose he's not in the habit of making new female friends though because I bet they all fall in love with him!!
Honestly, men are just a different species. I should stop acting so surprised. I've been dating for more than a decade now!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
New TV Ad to Promote Israeli Tourism
Has anyone seen it? I was not able to locate it on YouTube, but it aired on FOX at 12:30pm today (target audience: rich housewives?)
I hate to criticize Israel because it is my first love (okay, not counting family + future husband), but I was not a fan of this ad.
The commercial starts with a pair of tourists (a couple) who are trying to find their way and two Israeli women walk by quickly, say shalom and give a wide gesture toward the building behind them (the Knesset, Israeli parliament, perhaps). The couple continues along their way and is greeted with "Shalom" by: an art gallery owner who brings them inside, a gardener guy who turns off the sprinkler for them to pass, a dude reading the newspaper in the Dead Sea and perhaps a couple more. Everyone is super-friendly (which is not an exaggeration, I should mention). Toward the end, the couple embraces as they look at the view of the Old City. Definitely cheesy, but I suppose it could be an effective draw.
In general, the commercial shows a variety of scenes from Israel, but basically, it's a perfectly typical, boring, happy-go-lucky couple traipsing through Israel wearing button-down shirts and puppy-dog eyes. Its concept completely strays from a former commercial that had hot babes in bikinis. (I really wish I could have found this one on YouTube. You would enjoy it!) A happy medium could have been reached -- that is, between showing the normal tourist experience and having a little sexiness there, too!
However, the worst part was at the end, when the speaker said "Israel" and it sounded like "isz-RAAAIIIIL." Oy vey! Way to have a spokesperson who can't even say the name of the country correctly! Why not choose a Jewish or Israeli voiceover artist (or at least someone who can fake it!)? I actually know two! This is an abomination! How can you have an ad for your country when the name of the country is pronounced wrong!?!
I hate to criticize Israel because it is my first love (okay, not counting family + future husband), but I was not a fan of this ad.
The commercial starts with a pair of tourists (a couple) who are trying to find their way and two Israeli women walk by quickly, say shalom and give a wide gesture toward the building behind them (the Knesset, Israeli parliament, perhaps). The couple continues along their way and is greeted with "Shalom" by: an art gallery owner who brings them inside, a gardener guy who turns off the sprinkler for them to pass, a dude reading the newspaper in the Dead Sea and perhaps a couple more. Everyone is super-friendly (which is not an exaggeration, I should mention). Toward the end, the couple embraces as they look at the view of the Old City. Definitely cheesy, but I suppose it could be an effective draw.
In general, the commercial shows a variety of scenes from Israel, but basically, it's a perfectly typical, boring, happy-go-lucky couple traipsing through Israel wearing button-down shirts and puppy-dog eyes. Its concept completely strays from a former commercial that had hot babes in bikinis. (I really wish I could have found this one on YouTube. You would enjoy it!) A happy medium could have been reached -- that is, between showing the normal tourist experience and having a little sexiness there, too!
However, the worst part was at the end, when the speaker said "Israel" and it sounded like "isz-RAAAIIIIL." Oy vey! Way to have a spokesperson who can't even say the name of the country correctly! Why not choose a Jewish or Israeli voiceover artist (or at least someone who can fake it!)? I actually know two! This is an abomination! How can you have an ad for your country when the name of the country is pronounced wrong!?!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Dr. Gorgeous
So life is up! And so is my luck!
I met a gorgeous guy this weekend. He is very tall, about 6'3. He is suave and sexy and has a British accent. Plus he's a doctor. And he's Jewish. And he's Israeli. Yet, he's also very kind, sincere, funny and has good taste in music! I don't have a picture of him to share with you, but imagine a cross between McDreamy (from Grey's Anatomy) and Mr. Big (from Sex in the City)! What could be wrong?!?!
A couple things just aren't computing for me.
1. How could there be such an incredible Jewish guy out there? He simply must be too good to be true. Jewish guys just don't come in this variety. There's a catch, I'm sure. He's divorced. He has kids in all the countries he's lived in (international playboy of sorts). Maybe he has major commitment issues. Or is a porn star and not a surgeon. Maybe he's just not Jewish and knows enough to impersonate one. Worst case scenario: maybe he's bipolar like me. According to this past week's NYT Magazine cover article, that would not bode well for our children.
2. How could such an incredible Jewish guy be interested in ME? I told my girlfriends that he's too good for me and they were shocked to hear me say that. But gorgeous guys go with gorgeous girls. That's just how it usually works. I know what my type is. I'm not skinny, fashionable, light-hearted and confident. I mean, I'm not fat, ugly, depressing and self-deprecating either...but still... When you're at a party, everybody always checks each other out and can usually identify who is get-able for them and who is not. (And embarrassment can ensue if you don't have this social barometer!)
Maybe I should stop all this nonsense. I really just should have gone home with him on Saturday night!!! I'll have to see about making that opportunity come up (haha) again...
I met a gorgeous guy this weekend. He is very tall, about 6'3. He is suave and sexy and has a British accent. Plus he's a doctor. And he's Jewish. And he's Israeli. Yet, he's also very kind, sincere, funny and has good taste in music! I don't have a picture of him to share with you, but imagine a cross between McDreamy (from Grey's Anatomy) and Mr. Big (from Sex in the City)! What could be wrong?!?!
A couple things just aren't computing for me.
1. How could there be such an incredible Jewish guy out there? He simply must be too good to be true. Jewish guys just don't come in this variety. There's a catch, I'm sure. He's divorced. He has kids in all the countries he's lived in (international playboy of sorts). Maybe he has major commitment issues. Or is a porn star and not a surgeon. Maybe he's just not Jewish and knows enough to impersonate one. Worst case scenario: maybe he's bipolar like me. According to this past week's NYT Magazine cover article, that would not bode well for our children.
2. How could such an incredible Jewish guy be interested in ME? I told my girlfriends that he's too good for me and they were shocked to hear me say that. But gorgeous guys go with gorgeous girls. That's just how it usually works. I know what my type is. I'm not skinny, fashionable, light-hearted and confident. I mean, I'm not fat, ugly, depressing and self-deprecating either...but still... When you're at a party, everybody always checks each other out and can usually identify who is get-able for them and who is not. (And embarrassment can ensue if you don't have this social barometer!)
Maybe I should stop all this nonsense. I really just should have gone home with him on Saturday night!!! I'll have to see about making that opportunity come up (haha) again...
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Is Anyone There??
If you are reading this, please take a moment to comment & say hello!
I am doing better. Doctor upped my anti-depressant a few days ago and it really makes a difference. Hopefully, I'll be able to focus better to apply for and maybe even get a job!
Don't be shy -- Say hi!!
I am doing better. Doctor upped my anti-depressant a few days ago and it really makes a difference. Hopefully, I'll be able to focus better to apply for and maybe even get a job!
Don't be shy -- Say hi!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
From the Archives: A list from 2004
Things Could Be Worse
1) I could be an orphan.
2) I could be deaf.
3) I could be blind.
4) I could be paralyzed.
5) I could be homeless.
6) I could have a fatal disease.
7) I could be living in a dictatorship.
8) I could be persecuted because I'm Jewish.
9) I could be lost in the middle of nowhere for eternity.
10) I could be immortal.
11) I could have no faith (which I sometimes don't).
12) I could be cold-hearted.
13) I could hate children.
14) I could have an STD.
15) I could be a victim of something terrible and suffer from the fallout for the rest of my life (e.g. nightmares, post-traumatic stress disorder)
16) I could lose a loved one when I am least emotionally prepared for if (NOT TO JINX MYSELF - bli eyn hara)
17) I could be filthy rich - what way to be more miserable? There is such a thing has having it too good.
18) I could be forced to degrade myself to make ends meet.
19) I could have no cushion to fall on - emotionally, financially, etc. - e.g. a support network and generous kind parents to lend a hand when I need it.
20) I could be terribly socially awkward. (I sort of am now, but not that badly.)
(I recently looked through 11 old journals and will be posting some of the more interesting tidbits...)
1) I could be an orphan.
2) I could be deaf.
3) I could be blind.
4) I could be paralyzed.
5) I could be homeless.
6) I could have a fatal disease.
7) I could be living in a dictatorship.
8) I could be persecuted because I'm Jewish.
9) I could be lost in the middle of nowhere for eternity.
10) I could be immortal.
11) I could have no faith (which I sometimes don't).
12) I could be cold-hearted.
13) I could hate children.
14) I could have an STD.
15) I could be a victim of something terrible and suffer from the fallout for the rest of my life (e.g. nightmares, post-traumatic stress disorder)
16) I could lose a loved one when I am least emotionally prepared for if (NOT TO JINX MYSELF - bli eyn hara)
17) I could be filthy rich - what way to be more miserable? There is such a thing has having it too good.
18) I could be forced to degrade myself to make ends meet.
19) I could have no cushion to fall on - emotionally, financially, etc. - e.g. a support network and generous kind parents to lend a hand when I need it.
20) I could be terribly socially awkward. (I sort of am now, but not that badly.)
(I recently looked through 11 old journals and will be posting some of the more interesting tidbits...)
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Things about me II
The first list I made was in 2006. Here's some more (another triple chai=54):
55. I started running in the parks near me. It feels good.
56. I have never used a vibrator.
57. I have thought about it and would buy it in cash.
58. I am completely heterosexual, but am curious about lesbians. I wonder what it would feel like.
59. I wish I could [redacted]
60. I wonder if I'll ever have as good sex as I did back in '03.
61. I am generous.
62. I have a niece who is beautiful and innocent and oh-so-lucky.
63. I am almost 30 and still live with roommates.
64. My best friend is so talented. I aspire to be like her.
65. I discovered that I have family in Israel. This is HUGE. They are wonderful.
66. I really danced with a guy for the first time in years this weekend. He is super-cute, but kind of a shmucky personality. He was hitting on me. I would sleep with him if he weren't in my community. That would be fun. Especially drunk.
67. Sometimes I am too self-deprecating to people who I am not close to.
68. I like to plan parties for my friends. I want to plan another one after I secure a job.
69. It can be really hot in the right position with the right guy!
70. I buy party dresses and only wear them once.
71. I have a fabulous little black dress that I recently wore to a wedding. It's a must-have in every girl's wardrobe.
72. I painted my bedroom.
73. I am addicted to Facebook. It is very VERY bad.
74. I wish I could rewind to 2002.
75. I wish I had gone for a graduate degree.
76. I wish I had married my only love and moved to Israel.
77. I wish I weren't so wistful.
78. I have a ton of friends - 582 on FB, to be exact - but not many close ones.
79. I want to be more involved in philanthropic causes. I need to make this happen.
80. I love lightning.
81. I love swimming under waterfalls. Everything else is forgotten.
82. A cutie (with a gf) asked if I wanted a threesome this summer. It's the second time someone has ever asked me. He was joking, but there was some seriousness to it, methinks.
83. I wonder what I would do with a million dollars. I wouldn't know where to start.
84. I like being on top.
85. I would love to collect quality art. Someday.
86. I am scared to have children.
87. I am presumptuous to even write the above.
88. I can't believe that men and women 6 years younger than I are post-college professionals who are my contemporaries. And are often more successful than me.
89. I would like to be more spiritual and get more out of religion.
90. I do not respect my father.
91. I fear that my brother will be like him.
92. I admire my sister. She is strong and capable and independent - and she wasn't always.
93. I love scrapbooking.
94. I am very competitive.
95. I am a chocoholic. I need to find satisfying alternatives before I blow up into a balloon.
96. I can't afford therapy.
97. I can't afford anything actually.
98. I love a spiritual havdallah with singing and dancing.
99. I discovered that I can still dive.
100. I would love to lose 20 pounds.
101. I want to wear a bikini next summer. And be comfortable in it.
102. I wish I had direction.
103. I love it when my nails grow long.
104. I am ready for a change.
105. I would like to play the field more.
106. I would like to read more.
107. I would like to run more.
108. I would like to have a sneak preview of the future. Just to give me hope.
55. I started running in the parks near me. It feels good.
56. I have never used a vibrator.
57. I have thought about it and would buy it in cash.
58. I am completely heterosexual, but am curious about lesbians. I wonder what it would feel like.
59. I wish I could [redacted]
60. I wonder if I'll ever have as good sex as I did back in '03.
61. I am generous.
62. I have a niece who is beautiful and innocent and oh-so-lucky.
63. I am almost 30 and still live with roommates.
64. My best friend is so talented. I aspire to be like her.
65. I discovered that I have family in Israel. This is HUGE. They are wonderful.
66. I really danced with a guy for the first time in years this weekend. He is super-cute, but kind of a shmucky personality. He was hitting on me. I would sleep with him if he weren't in my community. That would be fun. Especially drunk.
67. Sometimes I am too self-deprecating to people who I am not close to.
68. I like to plan parties for my friends. I want to plan another one after I secure a job.
69. It can be really hot in the right position with the right guy!
70. I buy party dresses and only wear them once.
71. I have a fabulous little black dress that I recently wore to a wedding. It's a must-have in every girl's wardrobe.
72. I painted my bedroom.
73. I am addicted to Facebook. It is very VERY bad.
74. I wish I could rewind to 2002.
75. I wish I had gone for a graduate degree.
76. I wish I had married my only love and moved to Israel.
77. I wish I weren't so wistful.
78. I have a ton of friends - 582 on FB, to be exact - but not many close ones.
79. I want to be more involved in philanthropic causes. I need to make this happen.
80. I love lightning.
81. I love swimming under waterfalls. Everything else is forgotten.
82. A cutie (with a gf) asked if I wanted a threesome this summer. It's the second time someone has ever asked me. He was joking, but there was some seriousness to it, methinks.
83. I wonder what I would do with a million dollars. I wouldn't know where to start.
84. I like being on top.
85. I would love to collect quality art. Someday.
86. I am scared to have children.
87. I am presumptuous to even write the above.
88. I can't believe that men and women 6 years younger than I are post-college professionals who are my contemporaries. And are often more successful than me.
89. I would like to be more spiritual and get more out of religion.
90. I do not respect my father.
91. I fear that my brother will be like him.
92. I admire my sister. She is strong and capable and independent - and she wasn't always.
93. I love scrapbooking.
94. I am very competitive.
95. I am a chocoholic. I need to find satisfying alternatives before I blow up into a balloon.
96. I can't afford therapy.
97. I can't afford anything actually.
98. I love a spiritual havdallah with singing and dancing.
99. I discovered that I can still dive.
100. I would love to lose 20 pounds.
101. I want to wear a bikini next summer. And be comfortable in it.
102. I wish I had direction.
103. I love it when my nails grow long.
104. I am ready for a change.
105. I would like to play the field more.
106. I would like to read more.
107. I would like to run more.
108. I would like to have a sneak preview of the future. Just to give me hope.
Slip Sliding Away...
So here I am...more than 4 years after I started this blog. It's interesting to read back about the roller-coaster that has been my life.
Right now, I am stuck in a rut...though I always have been in some way or another. I have barely been supporting myself, have absolutely no motivation and have a complete and utter lack of self-esteem, such that I am paralyzed to even sit down and revise my resume.
I want to move to Israel. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. Who knows when any of those things will happen, but as I get older, the chances for everything get slimmer.
I don't feel smart anymore. I don't feel worthy of my college degree. I don't follow the news. I don't know what's going on in Iraq. I don't know what's going on with the 2008 election. And I'm pretty apathetic about it. I guess I just have enough of my own problems to contend with. Yet, I should still be worldly and try to be intellectual and read and learn and join a book club and attend lectures and maybe even take a class. It's a goal, I suppose.
I haven't told many people that I don't plan on voting. Honestly, the only issue of any interest to me is Israel. I think (have heard/read) that Obama is anti-Israel and McCain would be better for it. Yet, McCain (with his idiotic running mate, about whom I know little...but enough to make that judgment) does not necessarily have my other concerns in mind--social welfare, education, abortion, taxes, etc. I haven't taken the time to research it though, so what do I know? I also recall Joe Biden as being pro-Israel. So besides the fact that my vote won't count (New York will go Democratic anyway) and besides the fact that the electoral voters can vote for whichever candidate they fancy (regardless of the popular vote), I simply don't think that who the next president is will seriously impact the state of this country and the state of the world. Enough about politics...
On to something I know a bit more about: MEN. Ha! I met a cutie this summer, but it didn't last very long (we only went out once, but it was a romantic night out on the town). I really wanted to go home with him, but it was not in the cards, even though he seemed to very much like me as well. I also met a second cutie who showed me that I am indeed still capable of an orgasm. But it has now been almost 2 years since I've had sex. On the one hand, I'd like to just wait for the right guy now, but on the other hand, I honestly would LOVE to have a couple one-night stands with guys who are NOT part of my community. That would be FUN. Perhaps it's just what I need to get my self-esteem up. (Now isn't that healthy!?)
Five of my friends are getting married in the next year. I think it's the second round of wedding fever. The first happened in my mid-20s and now this one is happening in my late-20s. Thank G-d I still have plenty of single friends left. Otherwise, I'd be pretty depressed. And I'm already depressed enough...
Right now, I am stuck in a rut...though I always have been in some way or another. I have barely been supporting myself, have absolutely no motivation and have a complete and utter lack of self-esteem, such that I am paralyzed to even sit down and revise my resume.
I want to move to Israel. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. Who knows when any of those things will happen, but as I get older, the chances for everything get slimmer.
I don't feel smart anymore. I don't feel worthy of my college degree. I don't follow the news. I don't know what's going on in Iraq. I don't know what's going on with the 2008 election. And I'm pretty apathetic about it. I guess I just have enough of my own problems to contend with. Yet, I should still be worldly and try to be intellectual and read and learn and join a book club and attend lectures and maybe even take a class. It's a goal, I suppose.
I haven't told many people that I don't plan on voting. Honestly, the only issue of any interest to me is Israel. I think (have heard/read) that Obama is anti-Israel and McCain would be better for it. Yet, McCain (with his idiotic running mate, about whom I know little...but enough to make that judgment) does not necessarily have my other concerns in mind--social welfare, education, abortion, taxes, etc. I haven't taken the time to research it though, so what do I know? I also recall Joe Biden as being pro-Israel. So besides the fact that my vote won't count (New York will go Democratic anyway) and besides the fact that the electoral voters can vote for whichever candidate they fancy (regardless of the popular vote), I simply don't think that who the next president is will seriously impact the state of this country and the state of the world. Enough about politics...
On to something I know a bit more about: MEN. Ha! I met a cutie this summer, but it didn't last very long (we only went out once, but it was a romantic night out on the town). I really wanted to go home with him, but it was not in the cards, even though he seemed to very much like me as well. I also met a second cutie who showed me that I am indeed still capable of an orgasm. But it has now been almost 2 years since I've had sex. On the one hand, I'd like to just wait for the right guy now, but on the other hand, I honestly would LOVE to have a couple one-night stands with guys who are NOT part of my community. That would be FUN. Perhaps it's just what I need to get my self-esteem up. (Now isn't that healthy!?)
Five of my friends are getting married in the next year. I think it's the second round of wedding fever. The first happened in my mid-20s and now this one is happening in my late-20s. Thank G-d I still have plenty of single friends left. Otherwise, I'd be pretty depressed. And I'm already depressed enough...
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Vacation is miserable
I acknowledge that miserable is a strong word, but I am struggling financially, career-wise and relationship-wise. Here's a brief introduction to the status quo of my life at the present moment. You will have the joy of reading specific humorous anecdotes at a later date.
Finances
Money is a problem. I am very fortunate to be living in a rent-stabilized apartment, but I am still taking in very little in terms of income. It (my income) is quite erratic actually, and I just got screwed out of a freelance gig recently. I still have to send an invoice to someone for work done last month and I am nervous that the guy will refuse to pay it. I would like to go on vacation, either locally or far away, and even though I have (meager) savings, I am reluctant to use them. I need to have a little bit of reserves... (though I am proud to say that I have ZERO debt.)
Career
I am still floundering. I am 27 years old. I should have a better sense of what I want do. Hell, even a career path that I am uncertain of would be a step up from where I am. But I have had no stability whatsoever. A different employer every year (and a few jobs that lasted fewer than a few months). I have been covered by every major health insurance company at some point or another, and it has been a huge pain in the ass, to say the least. (My opinions on healthcare are a whole 'nother story.)
Anyway, here I am, doing random things that a chick with a summa cum laude degree, simply should not be doing. I need a stable job, a stable income, and an enjoyment of what I do. Forget about looking and responding to ads. I can barely work on my resume because I am so terrified of failure. I have a huge network of friends, but it is hard to use them as connections because I don't know what the hell I want to do.
This past fall, I decided I was going to hit up my friends for "informational interviews," to go to their workplaces, spend a few hours with them and see what it is they do, and see if I'd like to do it. Perhaps I need to go ahead and do that now. However, I am reluctant to go back to school for fear that I will be wasting my money, and ultimately deciding not to pursue a particular field.
I need to do a really good assessment of my skills and figure out which job field might suit me. Everyone I know who has gone to a career counselor has not had much luck. I think it's a similar experience to matchmakers. How the hell can someone truly know you and your skills and your quirks and your personality to match you to someone (or to a field/job)? I need to figure it out on my own, I think, and use my friends & family & maybe some self-help job books as guidance.
Why couldn't I have gone to law school? I am really good at detail-oriented tasks and research projects. I excel at those. Those are skills that are useful in law. But I was not going to jump on the bandwagon just because my friends were doing it. To have piles of papers on my desk and crazy bureaucracy and obscene hours did not appeal to me.... though I do know people who work for the government, derive more enjoyment from work, have more normal hours... and make very little money compared to their private-sector peers (and will probably spend more than a decade paying off loans.)
Relationships & Dating
I have not dated much in the last 9 months. I had a few very short-lived casual things this past summer (essentially pretty innocent one-night-stands; one was in the desert under the stars; it's too bad I wasn't so taken with him b/c it would have been even more romantic) and I had a date recently with a guy that I became obsessed with for a short amount of time. I don't think it was because he deserved it (he was just an ordinary nice Jewish boy), but because I have been so desperate for intimacy. And not sexual intimacy necessarily. I think my meds have largely stolen that away from me. Although from past experience, I have learned that a guy who knows what he is doing can satisfy me. Perhaps the meds have no effect on my sex life, and I just have an emotional problem getting attached to someone.
Ever since I've been diagnosed (bipolar disorder, for you new readers), I have been hesitant to get close to anyone. My last boyfriend wanted to know what was wrong and why I was withdrawing from him. However, I don't think it was my fear of commitment and sharing my problems with him, as much as it was a simple disinterest in him. I like to think that when I meet the right guy, I will know it, and I will more easily be able to open up to him, knowing withougt a doubt that he will be supportive.
[end of kvetching]
Finances
Money is a problem. I am very fortunate to be living in a rent-stabilized apartment, but I am still taking in very little in terms of income. It (my income) is quite erratic actually, and I just got screwed out of a freelance gig recently. I still have to send an invoice to someone for work done last month and I am nervous that the guy will refuse to pay it. I would like to go on vacation, either locally or far away, and even though I have (meager) savings, I am reluctant to use them. I need to have a little bit of reserves... (though I am proud to say that I have ZERO debt.)
Career
I am still floundering. I am 27 years old. I should have a better sense of what I want do. Hell, even a career path that I am uncertain of would be a step up from where I am. But I have had no stability whatsoever. A different employer every year (and a few jobs that lasted fewer than a few months). I have been covered by every major health insurance company at some point or another, and it has been a huge pain in the ass, to say the least. (My opinions on healthcare are a whole 'nother story.)
Anyway, here I am, doing random things that a chick with a summa cum laude degree, simply should not be doing. I need a stable job, a stable income, and an enjoyment of what I do. Forget about looking and responding to ads. I can barely work on my resume because I am so terrified of failure. I have a huge network of friends, but it is hard to use them as connections because I don't know what the hell I want to do.
This past fall, I decided I was going to hit up my friends for "informational interviews," to go to their workplaces, spend a few hours with them and see what it is they do, and see if I'd like to do it. Perhaps I need to go ahead and do that now. However, I am reluctant to go back to school for fear that I will be wasting my money, and ultimately deciding not to pursue a particular field.
I need to do a really good assessment of my skills and figure out which job field might suit me. Everyone I know who has gone to a career counselor has not had much luck. I think it's a similar experience to matchmakers. How the hell can someone truly know you and your skills and your quirks and your personality to match you to someone (or to a field/job)? I need to figure it out on my own, I think, and use my friends & family & maybe some self-help job books as guidance.
Why couldn't I have gone to law school? I am really good at detail-oriented tasks and research projects. I excel at those. Those are skills that are useful in law. But I was not going to jump on the bandwagon just because my friends were doing it. To have piles of papers on my desk and crazy bureaucracy and obscene hours did not appeal to me.... though I do know people who work for the government, derive more enjoyment from work, have more normal hours... and make very little money compared to their private-sector peers (and will probably spend more than a decade paying off loans.)
Relationships & Dating
I have not dated much in the last 9 months. I had a few very short-lived casual things this past summer (essentially pretty innocent one-night-stands; one was in the desert under the stars; it's too bad I wasn't so taken with him b/c it would have been even more romantic) and I had a date recently with a guy that I became obsessed with for a short amount of time. I don't think it was because he deserved it (he was just an ordinary nice Jewish boy), but because I have been so desperate for intimacy. And not sexual intimacy necessarily. I think my meds have largely stolen that away from me. Although from past experience, I have learned that a guy who knows what he is doing can satisfy me. Perhaps the meds have no effect on my sex life, and I just have an emotional problem getting attached to someone.
Ever since I've been diagnosed (bipolar disorder, for you new readers), I have been hesitant to get close to anyone. My last boyfriend wanted to know what was wrong and why I was withdrawing from him. However, I don't think it was my fear of commitment and sharing my problems with him, as much as it was a simple disinterest in him. I like to think that when I meet the right guy, I will know it, and I will more easily be able to open up to him, knowing withougt a doubt that he will be supportive.
[end of kvetching]
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Resuming the Blog...
I have had no posts for 2007 and the year is virtually over!
I will do my best to write some interesting and entertaining content for my readers soon.
Happy holidays!
:)
I will do my best to write some interesting and entertaining content for my readers soon.
Happy holidays!
:)
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