Musings

It's winter. I enjoy walking outside in my cute winter coats, hats and mittens. Breathing in the chilly air. The festive lights lining Broadway are heralding in a new season of love and giving. Perhaps...

I am doing better than I have been lately. However, I am really down on myself when I consider where I am nearly six years after graduating college. I compare myself to others to no end. I see people making more money, having nicer apartments (without roommates), being professional, having grown-up conversations to which I feel too dumb to contribute (which is of course ridiculous) and just being happier, more productive members of society. And then I see so many of my peers who are happily married and with cute little kids running around. It is reassuring to see that many of these young parents are older though (eg late thirties). It gives me a little hope.

In other news, I got a job! It is a sales position at a huge corporate entity which should have some good benefits... if I can hold down the job. Wow, there is promise. I'm quite nervous though and have very little confidence that I will succeed. I just hope that I won't regret not having done more to investigate job fields and whatnot during all this downtime that I have had. By the way, I found a new website called the Unemployed Tourist that has all kinds of cheap/free things to do in NYC from 9-5.. Hmm... wish I had found that earlier!

I guess things are on the up and up... we'll see how things go...

PS It's snowing now! Flurries are so pretty from inside where it's nice & warm & toasty!

"Meet Your Match"

Apparently, the 92nd Street Y thinks that I am old, desperate and pathetic! I received a bright pink large postcard in the mail from them to "Meet Your Match." All the events are for ages 30s, 40s & 50s (mostly skewed toward older), with titles like "How to Meet More Men After 40" and "Deeper Dating." Thanks a lot, 92Y! I guess it shows that it could be worse...

I don't even go to singles events for 20s...or at least, events that are billed that way. Plenty of parties, events and trips are geared toward singles, without being "singles events." I truly believe that I am going to meet my besheret regardless of which parties I choose to go to. G-d will make it happen! (I hope... Of course, in every other regard, I have little faith, but that's another post for another time.)

Yet, the older I get, the slimmer the prospects... A 24- or 25-year-old guy (I hesitate to call him a "man" and am tempted to write "boy"!) flirted shamelessly with me the other night, but it went nowhere. If he had been a gentleman and walked me home, perhaps I would have invited him up! His loss!

(with apologies to any single readers who meet the above demographic requirements for these programs!)

$100,000

It's a bit of an outrageous goal, but it's what I'd like to earn in FY2009. If I get the kind of job I am aiming to get and work really hard, it is feasible...

How I would spend it:
$45,000 taxes?
$24,000 living expenses
$18,000 savings/investment/RothIRA
$5,000 tzedakah (charity)
$4,000 travel
$2,000 clothes
$2,000 pay back debt

How does that sound? I'll let you know if it happens!!!

DVR Disrupts Law & Order!

I am not a big TV watcher...which is why I love my DVR. I can tape shows and then watch them at my leisure. I have movies saved up in the queue for when I might want 'em, too. (In short, DVR helps accommodate my active social life in Manhattan - yeah right!)

However, today, my DVR failed me. I was watching a real-time Law & Order: Criminal Intent and it had me sitting on the edge of my seat and biting my nails. There were five minutes left in the show, when an alert popped up on the bottom of the screen asking whether or not I wanted to keep or cancel a scheduled DVR recording. I realized that since I had paused the Law & Order show for awhile, and then started watching it 20 minutes later, it had been "taped." The DVR system only allows for the taping of one show at a time.

In any case, long story short, my show was suddenly obliterated from my screen (right in the middle of an intense interrogation!) and one of my roommate's shows popped up. SO annoying!

So, by any chance, did anyone see the L&I episode tonight (9-10pm) in which a seedy lawyer has a string of affairs and murders all the mistresses? I want to know what happened! Actually, I can guess. I just wish I could have seen it for myself!

Anyway, I can get my Law and Order fix whenever I want since I've got a bunch of shows in my DVR queue :)

On a related note, I decided that I think I prefer L&I:CI to L&I:SVU. Vincent D'Onofrio is just a great actor and I love watching him. Also, the chick is cool and the one on SVU kind of annoys me.

Dysfunctional Community

A friend of mine has described the Upper West Side (Jewish-particularly Orthodox) dating community as dysfunctional. It's very close-knit and people tend to socialize and date within the community, yet are unwilling to settle down. I think that this trend mirrors a larger trend within NYC (and other urban areas), namely that young singles are committment-phobic and insatiable. There's gotta be something better (eg a partner) around the corner. Besides, being single is so much more fun!

For young observant Jews (not me, not so much...well kind of), however, the delay in getting married is starting to be labeled as a "crisis." Yesterday, a documentary addressing this subject aired on NYCTV. Here's the trailer:

I haven't yet watched it (that's what DVR is for!)

"Help me with my English please..."

...was the theme of last night's date.

We had fun flirting and talking and joking around... but at the end of the night, he was weird. I thought there was chemistry, but when I touched his arm during dinner and his back while we were looking at a map together, he did nothing. When he dropped me off at the subway, he was about to walk away without even giving me a hug (or a handshake or high 5 or anything!) -- until I initiated it. It was awkward. Why?! I will be really surprised if he calls me. I thought we had a fun time. The end just weirded me out. Could he have really been that awkward or was he just not interested? Hmmm...

In the meantime, I have not heard from Dr. Gorgeous... I'm not so disappointed because I know he's out of my league... but I would like to be his friend and/or set him up with someone else! I suppose he's not in the habit of making new female friends though because I bet they all fall in love with him!!

Honestly, men are just a different species. I should stop acting so surprised. I've been dating for more than a decade now!

New TV Ad to Promote Israeli Tourism

Has anyone seen it? I was not able to locate it on YouTube, but it aired on FOX at 12:30pm today (target audience: rich housewives?)

I hate to criticize Israel because it is my first love (okay, not counting family + future husband), but I was not a fan of this ad.

The commercial starts with a pair of tourists (a couple) who are trying to find their way and two Israeli women walk by quickly, say shalom and give a wide gesture toward the building behind them (the Knesset, Israeli parliament, perhaps). The couple continues along their way and is greeted with "Shalom" by: an art gallery owner who brings them inside, a gardener guy who turns off the sprinkler for them to pass, a dude reading the newspaper in the Dead Sea and perhaps a couple more. Everyone is super-friendly (which is not an exaggeration, I should mention). Toward the end, the couple embraces as they look at the view of the Old City. Definitely cheesy, but I suppose it could be an effective draw.

In general, the commercial shows a variety of scenes from Israel, but basically, it's a perfectly typical, boring, happy-go-lucky couple traipsing through Israel wearing button-down shirts and puppy-dog eyes. Its concept completely strays from a former commercial that had hot babes in bikinis. (I really wish I could have found this one on YouTube. You would enjoy it!) A happy medium could have been reached -- that is, between showing the normal tourist experience and having a little sexiness there, too!

However, the worst part was at the end, when the speaker said "Israel" and it sounded like "isz-RAAAIIIIL." Oy vey! Way to have a spokesperson who can't even say the name of the country correctly! Why not choose a Jewish or Israeli voiceover artist (or at least someone who can fake it!)? I actually know two! This is an abomination! How can you have an ad for your country when the name of the country is pronounced wrong!?!

Dr. Gorgeous

So life is up! And so is my luck!

I met a gorgeous guy this weekend. He is very tall, about 6'3. He is suave and sexy and has a British accent. Plus he's a doctor. And he's Jewish. And he's Israeli. Yet, he's also very kind, sincere, funny and has good taste in music! I don't have a picture of him to share with you, but imagine a cross between McDreamy (from Grey's Anatomy) and Mr. Big (from Sex in the City)! What could be wrong?!?!

A couple things just aren't computing for me.

1. How could there be such an incredible Jewish guy out there? He simply must be too good to be true. Jewish guys just don't come in this variety. There's a catch, I'm sure. He's divorced. He has kids in all the countries he's lived in (international playboy of sorts). Maybe he has major commitment issues. Or is a porn star and not a surgeon. Maybe he's just not Jewish and knows enough to impersonate one. Worst case scenario: maybe he's bipolar like me. According to this past week's NYT Magazine cover article, that would not bode well for our children.

2. How could such an incredible Jewish guy be interested in ME? I told my girlfriends that he's too good for me and they were shocked to hear me say that. But gorgeous guys go with gorgeous girls. That's just how it usually works. I know what my type is. I'm not skinny, fashionable, light-hearted and confident. I mean, I'm not fat, ugly, depressing and self-deprecating either...but still... When you're at a party, everybody always checks each other out and can usually identify who is get-able for them and who is not. (And embarrassment can ensue if you don't have this social barometer!)

Maybe I should stop all this nonsense. I really just should have gone home with him on Saturday night!!! I'll have to see about making that opportunity come up (haha) again...

Is Anyone There??

If you are reading this, please take a moment to comment & say hello!

I am doing better. Doctor upped my anti-depressant a few days ago and it really makes a difference. Hopefully, I'll be able to focus better to apply for and maybe even get a job!

Don't be shy -- Say hi!!

From the Archives: A list from 2004

Things Could Be Worse

1) I could be an orphan.
2) I could be deaf.
3) I could be blind.
4) I could be paralyzed.
5) I could be homeless.
6) I could have a fatal disease.
7) I could be living in a dictatorship.
8) I could be persecuted because I'm Jewish.
9) I could be lost in the middle of nowhere for eternity.
10) I could be immortal.
11) I could have no faith (which I sometimes don't).
12) I could be cold-hearted.
13) I could hate children.
14) I could have an STD.
15) I could be a victim of something terrible and suffer from the fallout for the rest of my life (e.g. nightmares, post-traumatic stress disorder)
16) I could lose a loved one when I am least emotionally prepared for if (NOT TO JINX MYSELF - bli eyn hara)
17) I could be filthy rich - what way to be more miserable? There is such a thing has having it too good.
18) I could be forced to degrade myself to make ends meet.
19) I could have no cushion to fall on - emotionally, financially, etc. - e.g. a support network and generous kind parents to lend a hand when I need it.
20) I could be terribly socially awkward. (I sort of am now, but not that badly.)

(I recently looked through 11 old journals and will be posting some of the more interesting tidbits...)

Things about me II

The first list I made was in 2006. Here's some more (another triple chai=54):

55. I started running in the parks near me. It feels good.
56. I have never used a vibrator.
57. I have thought about it and would buy it in cash.
58. I am completely heterosexual, but am curious about lesbians. I wonder what it would feel like.
59. I wish I could [redacted]
60. I wonder if I'll ever have as good sex as I did back in '03.
61. I am generous.
62. I have a niece who is beautiful and innocent and oh-so-lucky.
63. I am almost 30 and still live with roommates.
64. My best friend is so talented. I aspire to be like her.
65. I discovered that I have family in Israel. This is HUGE. They are wonderful.
66. I really danced with a guy for the first time in years this weekend. He is super-cute, but kind of a shmucky personality. He was hitting on me. I would sleep with him if he weren't in my community. That would be fun. Especially drunk.
67. Sometimes I am too self-deprecating to people who I am not close to.
68. I like to plan parties for my friends. I want to plan another one after I secure a job.
69. It can be really hot in the right position with the right guy!
70. I buy party dresses and only wear them once.
71. I have a fabulous little black dress that I recently wore to a wedding. It's a must-have in every girl's wardrobe.
72. I painted my bedroom.
73. I am addicted to Facebook. It is very VERY bad.
74. I wish I could rewind to 2002.
75. I wish I had gone for a graduate degree.
76. I wish I had married my only love and moved to Israel.
77. I wish I weren't so wistful.
78. I have a ton of friends - 582 on FB, to be exact - but not many close ones.
79. I want to be more involved in philanthropic causes. I need to make this happen.
80. I love lightning.
81. I love swimming under waterfalls. Everything else is forgotten.
82. A cutie (with a gf) asked if I wanted a threesome this summer. It's the second time someone has ever asked me. He was joking, but there was some seriousness to it, methinks.
83. I wonder what I would do with a million dollars. I wouldn't know where to start.
84. I like being on top.
85. I would love to collect quality art. Someday.
86. I am scared to have children.
87. I am presumptuous to even write the above.
88. I can't believe that men and women 6 years younger than I are post-college professionals who are my contemporaries. And are often more successful than me.
89. I would like to be more spiritual and get more out of religion.
90. I do not respect my father.
91. I fear that my brother will be like him.
92. I admire my sister. She is strong and capable and independent - and she wasn't always.
93. I love scrapbooking.
94. I am very competitive.
95. I am a chocoholic. I need to find satisfying alternatives before I blow up into a balloon.
96. I can't afford therapy.
97. I can't afford anything actually.
98. I love a spiritual havdallah with singing and dancing.
99. I discovered that I can still dive.
100. I would love to lose 20 pounds.
101. I want to wear a bikini next summer. And be comfortable in it.
102. I wish I had direction.
103. I love it when my nails grow long.
104. I am ready for a change.
105. I would like to play the field more.
106. I would like to read more.
107. I would like to run more.
108. I would like to have a sneak preview of the future. Just to give me hope.

Slip Sliding Away...

So here I am...more than 4 years after I started this blog. It's interesting to read back about the roller-coaster that has been my life.

Right now, I am stuck in a rut...though I always have been in some way or another. I have barely been supporting myself, have absolutely no motivation and have a complete and utter lack of self-esteem, such that I am paralyzed to even sit down and revise my resume.

I want to move to Israel. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. Who knows when any of those things will happen, but as I get older, the chances for everything get slimmer.

I don't feel smart anymore. I don't feel worthy of my college degree. I don't follow the news. I don't know what's going on in Iraq. I don't know what's going on with the 2008 election. And I'm pretty apathetic about it. I guess I just have enough of my own problems to contend with. Yet, I should still be worldly and try to be intellectual and read and learn and join a book club and attend lectures and maybe even take a class. It's a goal, I suppose.

I haven't told many people that I don't plan on voting. Honestly, the only issue of any interest to me is Israel. I think (have heard/read) that Obama is anti-Israel and McCain would be better for it. Yet, McCain (with his idiotic running mate, about whom I know little...but enough to make that judgment) does not necessarily have my other concerns in mind--social welfare, education, abortion, taxes, etc. I haven't taken the time to research it though, so what do I know? I also recall Joe Biden as being pro-Israel. So besides the fact that my vote won't count (New York will go Democratic anyway) and besides the fact that the electoral voters can vote for whichever candidate they fancy (regardless of the popular vote), I simply don't think that who the next president is will seriously impact the state of this country and the state of the world. Enough about politics...

On to something I know a bit more about: MEN. Ha! I met a cutie this summer, but it didn't last very long (we only went out once, but it was a romantic night out on the town). I really wanted to go home with him, but it was not in the cards, even though he seemed to very much like me as well. I also met a second cutie who showed me that I am indeed still capable of an orgasm. But it has now been almost 2 years since I've had sex. On the one hand, I'd like to just wait for the right guy now, but on the other hand, I honestly would LOVE to have a couple one-night stands with guys who are NOT part of my community. That would be FUN. Perhaps it's just what I need to get my self-esteem up. (Now isn't that healthy!?)

Five of my friends are getting married in the next year. I think it's the second round of wedding fever. The first happened in my mid-20s and now this one is happening in my late-20s. Thank G-d I still have plenty of single friends left. Otherwise, I'd be pretty depressed. And I'm already depressed enough...