I am simply unable to function. I am sitting here in front of my computer, completely unable to focus. I can't even properly word a single bullet or objective statement on my resume. I am just staring at the screen, frustrated that the words do not come to me. Did I mention that I wrote a thesis of 75+ words and graduated summa cum laude?
All this f*cking medicine is bogging me down. I know it. I never had these problems in college....though I did have it before I was on meds in my first job out of college, so I'm not sure how to explain that (lost the job after a year and a half due to an inability to meet deadlines, follow instructions (I always wanted to do things my way) and chronic lateness.)
But nonetheless, how the hell will I ever hold down a job when I can't even apply for one? I have been trying ("trying") to do it for months upon months, with no success. I have not sent out a SINGLE resume. Okay, that's a lie. I sent out one resume for a temporary admin job at a friend's company. They hired me, but subsequently fired me when I overslept on the FIRST DAY! Yeah, I am a fucking wreck. And that was months ago.
I am now off two of my five meds. I'd like to be off ALL of them. I've been going to a support group recently. Many of the people are not on meds... and you know what, they still suffer from the same problems. Why should I take all this f*cking medicine that is seriously interfering with my life, when my day-to-day existence would probably be the same (or BETTER). I wish I could drop it all cold turkey, but I don't know what would happen. Would I get sick, go through withdrawal? Am I "addicted," so to speak? I'm like Dr. House and his Vicodin. HA.
The last two days (well, the last two & a half weeks actually), I did nothing... Crawled out of bed around noon (sometimes earlier, often later), played on the computer (including maybe a handful of "networking" emails), ate a little bit of what I had lying around, then watched some TV in the early evening, convinced that I would do work before bedtime... but then never did.
The good news, however, is that my unemployment benefits might not be expiring the end of the year. The way they calculate all the extended and emergency benefits and eligible dates and exclusions, etc. is so freaking confusing. Even when I spoke to someone at the Department of Labor, that person was unable to tell me anything useful. I was like, HELLO, I need to know if my benefits are running out this month!! But it looks like they might not be...
The bad news, however, is that I am SCREWED big time if they do end this week (THIS WEEK!) I have enough money to last me two months. If I liquidate my Roth IRA, that would be another three months (which would be a terribly stupid thing to do... I already haven't been contributing to it and don't have much in there).
I can't believe I considered skiing this week... With what money?! I have a $400+ credit card bill due in a few weeks and I will probably have to pay it out of savings. SHIT. Oh and the rent before that. Just brilliant.
I haven't even been grocery shopping. That is stupid. If I drop anything, it should be my health insurance for a couple months. That's $350/month, whereas groceries are $100-150/month. And I can't just cut out groceries! I need to eat. I need fuel if I'm even going to try to accomplish anything.
I have been skipping most social engagements the last couple weeks. Well, I went to a cafe and spent $20 with a friend last week. I went to another friend's birthday dinner, but ate leftovers beforehand (instead of paying $30 at the steakhouse). I lied and said I wasn't feeling well. And I went to a Chanukah party, but I volunteered to help out, so I could go for free. At least I'm a little innovative sometimes.
But seriously...
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A Trip Down Memory Lane
After our first year at college, my childhood best friend made me a small scrapbook with all sorts of cute cutouts of words & pictures, stickers, glitter and very sweet accompanying text. Reading it, I got nostalgic. It also made me feel good about myself because of the kind (and true?) things she wrote. Here are some excerpts:
Unfortunately, those long roads came to an end six or so years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't lash out at her or get crazy irritable or anything like that. I simply told her about my diagnosis, assuming she'd be as supportive as she had always been. Instead, she didn't really take me seriously and said, "Oh, well we all have our ups and downs," and pretty much doubted that I had anything more serious and challenging than anyone else. Though I tried to explain my situation to her, she refused to be understanding. Totally crushed me. I ended our friendship right then and there. It's sad actually, but I suppose I still have some good memories...
The point is that we may not remember everything we say, but when I get off the phone, I always feel better because there is someone else in this universe that feels as passionately about certain issues as I do...
...The fact of the matter is that you have helped me survive the sunny and rainy days alike. I've always been able to turn to & rely upon you for advice & support.
I just want you to know how much I have always admired you as a person... I admire your independent spirit & your ability to be both a born leader & a challenger. You've got an Imagination. Guts. Brains. And a Soul. More than anything else though, I respect the way you respect your religion, your family, yourself & most of all, your friends... I truly appreciate all of this & your creative genius that has helped me to revert to childish behavior frequently but that has also helped me to quite simply enjoy life a little bit more than usual... No doubt we absolutely have very long, long roads ahead of us...
Unfortunately, those long roads came to an end six or so years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't lash out at her or get crazy irritable or anything like that. I simply told her about my diagnosis, assuming she'd be as supportive as she had always been. Instead, she didn't really take me seriously and said, "Oh, well we all have our ups and downs," and pretty much doubted that I had anything more serious and challenging than anyone else. Though I tried to explain my situation to her, she refused to be understanding. Totally crushed me. I ended our friendship right then and there. It's sad actually, but I suppose I still have some good memories...
Friday, October 23, 2009
Things about me III
(cont from 2006)
109. My favorite animal is a monkey.
110. My latest favorite ice cream flavor is "chocolate whiskey brownie" from Screme. Wow.
111. I am a tea girl. Especially with nana.
112. I need to find some bars with fireplaces for the winter.
113. I need to earn some money so I can go skiing.
114. I need to find a new roommate. Ideally someone who is never around.
115. I am on an event committee for the first time after all these years.
116. I am becoming more removed from Judaism. Culturally, I cling to it.
117. I don't think I believe in G-d!
118. I just bought $10 sandals (originally $80). Go me!
119. I'm hoping my shoemaker will make me a very happy girl 'cause I can't afford new tall sexy boots!
120. I need to find some really good reading material (fiction)
121. I need to find some good websites with news synopses and links for more detailed reporting and analyses. I simply lack the patience to browse the NYT website anymore. I am really not informed anymore and it makes me feel stupid when others start talking about politics and healthcare and whatnot.
122. Part of why I haven't been reading the news is that I'm kind of apathetic. I simply don't see how things directly affect me, so I'm not interested. (how's that for self-absorption!?)
123. I still look at married people as grown-ups while singles simply haven't reached that milestone yet. Even my friends who are pushing 40. (!)
124. I have a big crush, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Story of my life. He's a couple years younger, ba'al teshuva, sweet, and kind of an enigma to me.
125. I am on the national board of an organization now. Wow. Unfortunately, it doesn't really carry responsibility.
126. Israel - or aliyah, at least - seems like a pipe dream now.
127. I need more art in my life. Actively creating art is very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
128. I saw five guys who I had hooked up with on Simchas Torah. It doesn't even really faze me anymore!
129. I need to get out more. There is SO much to do here that I don't take advantage of. I am only going to be young and single in New York City for a little while longer (b'ezrat hashem... and I say I'm not religious!)
130. I am so unproductive. It's more than procrastinating. It's like an active decision to do nothing. What's wrong with me?
131. I really like to dance and will do so alone in front of my mirror!
132. I rarely take taxis.
133. I should take up pilates again.
134. I've still got game (at least 2 cuties hit on me this past Saturday night).
135. I would like to see the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. That's my kind of art.
136. I am thinking about giving this blog URL to my best friend. She knows everything anyway.
137. I still actively try to anonymize what I write in this blog. I'm so paranoid that someone will find out my identity. In fact, I'm pretty close to figuring out the identity of another New York blogger that I've been following.
138. I have a pen-pal with bipolar disorder, but we don't write that often. She is great to share experiences with... oh and she is the only one who reads this blog that has met me in person!
139. I give really good massages.
140. I enjoy walking in the rain. Without an umbrella.
141. I am the world's slowest shopper. Because I'm indecisive. And broke.
142. I am a total extrovert, but I haven't been able to "type" my personality completely. My answers are never conclusive.
143. I recently made my second shidduch (match). Two good friends met through me and are now seriously dating. This makes me happy. They are both wonderful people.
144. I get Time Out New York for free. I don't know why, but I don't complain. It's my Bible for what to do in New York. And I like the "Get Naked" column :)
145. I dread winter because depression lurks behind every corner.
146. I love winter because I can ski. And wear cute hats. And have hot chocolate. And go sledding, too!
147. I used to love gymnastics. I would love to go to a weekly class for grown-ups where I could jump on a trampoline, do the trapeze and all other sorts of fun things! (Well I could, but it would cost a fortune. It's called Chelsea Piers.)
148. I think I have had "Resume" on my to-do list every day for the last few years!
149. I am lucky for so many reasons and I rarely appreciate it enough.
150. I pity myself way too much. It probably impedes progress.
151. I worry about my parents' relationship.
152. I love to drive. Such a feeling of freedom.
153. I have become much more old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I actually follow some of "The Rules."
154. I have great hair and a pretty good body. I should do more to maintain the latter!
155. I enjoy having girlfriends over for TV or movie nights.
156. I graduated college summa cum laude.
157. I used to love Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
158. I keep kosher out of habit. But I don't think I could ever not.
159. I love hosting meals and parties, but I get very stressed out.
160. Several of my friends have written books. I should get around to doing that.
161. I am a total grammar FREAK. Errors in spelling, apostrophes and homonyms especially drive me up the wall. It really causes me to judge people when I find out they are so incompetent (on facebook, in advertisements, etc.)
162. I love my bed. I love sharing it, too :)
109. My favorite animal is a monkey.
110. My latest favorite ice cream flavor is "chocolate whiskey brownie" from Screme. Wow.
111. I am a tea girl. Especially with nana.
112. I need to find some bars with fireplaces for the winter.
113. I need to earn some money so I can go skiing.
114. I need to find a new roommate. Ideally someone who is never around.
115. I am on an event committee for the first time after all these years.
116. I am becoming more removed from Judaism. Culturally, I cling to it.
117. I don't think I believe in G-d!
118. I just bought $10 sandals (originally $80). Go me!
119. I'm hoping my shoemaker will make me a very happy girl 'cause I can't afford new tall sexy boots!
120. I need to find some really good reading material (fiction)
121. I need to find some good websites with news synopses and links for more detailed reporting and analyses. I simply lack the patience to browse the NYT website anymore. I am really not informed anymore and it makes me feel stupid when others start talking about politics and healthcare and whatnot.
122. Part of why I haven't been reading the news is that I'm kind of apathetic. I simply don't see how things directly affect me, so I'm not interested. (how's that for self-absorption!?)
123. I still look at married people as grown-ups while singles simply haven't reached that milestone yet. Even my friends who are pushing 40. (!)
124. I have a big crush, but I don't think it's gonna happen. Story of my life. He's a couple years younger, ba'al teshuva, sweet, and kind of an enigma to me.
125. I am on the national board of an organization now. Wow. Unfortunately, it doesn't really carry responsibility.
126. Israel - or aliyah, at least - seems like a pipe dream now.
127. I need more art in my life. Actively creating art is very relaxing and enjoyable to me.
128. I saw five guys who I had hooked up with on Simchas Torah. It doesn't even really faze me anymore!
129. I need to get out more. There is SO much to do here that I don't take advantage of. I am only going to be young and single in New York City for a little while longer (b'ezrat hashem... and I say I'm not religious!)
130. I am so unproductive. It's more than procrastinating. It's like an active decision to do nothing. What's wrong with me?
131. I really like to dance and will do so alone in front of my mirror!
132. I rarely take taxis.
133. I should take up pilates again.
134. I've still got game (at least 2 cuties hit on me this past Saturday night).
135. I would like to see the Kandinsky exhibit at the Guggenheim. That's my kind of art.
136. I am thinking about giving this blog URL to my best friend. She knows everything anyway.
137. I still actively try to anonymize what I write in this blog. I'm so paranoid that someone will find out my identity. In fact, I'm pretty close to figuring out the identity of another New York blogger that I've been following.
138. I have a pen-pal with bipolar disorder, but we don't write that often. She is great to share experiences with... oh and she is the only one who reads this blog that has met me in person!
139. I give really good massages.
140. I enjoy walking in the rain. Without an umbrella.
141. I am the world's slowest shopper. Because I'm indecisive. And broke.
142. I am a total extrovert, but I haven't been able to "type" my personality completely. My answers are never conclusive.
143. I recently made my second shidduch (match). Two good friends met through me and are now seriously dating. This makes me happy. They are both wonderful people.
144. I get Time Out New York for free. I don't know why, but I don't complain. It's my Bible for what to do in New York. And I like the "Get Naked" column :)
145. I dread winter because depression lurks behind every corner.
146. I love winter because I can ski. And wear cute hats. And have hot chocolate. And go sledding, too!
147. I used to love gymnastics. I would love to go to a weekly class for grown-ups where I could jump on a trampoline, do the trapeze and all other sorts of fun things! (Well I could, but it would cost a fortune. It's called Chelsea Piers.)
148. I think I have had "Resume" on my to-do list every day for the last few years!
149. I am lucky for so many reasons and I rarely appreciate it enough.
150. I pity myself way too much. It probably impedes progress.
151. I worry about my parents' relationship.
152. I love to drive. Such a feeling of freedom.
153. I have become much more old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I actually follow some of "The Rules."
154. I have great hair and a pretty good body. I should do more to maintain the latter!
155. I enjoy having girlfriends over for TV or movie nights.
156. I graduated college summa cum laude.
157. I used to love Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
158. I keep kosher out of habit. But I don't think I could ever not.
159. I love hosting meals and parties, but I get very stressed out.
160. Several of my friends have written books. I should get around to doing that.
161. I am a total grammar FREAK. Errors in spelling, apostrophes and homonyms especially drive me up the wall. It really causes me to judge people when I find out they are so incompetent (on facebook, in advertisements, etc.)
162. I love my bed. I love sharing it, too :)
this is the song that never ends.... it just goes on and on, my friends....
Well, it's the story of my life. It's a broken record. I'm happy, but I'm depressed. I'm "stable," but I'm not functioning. I'm confident, but I'm terrified. I'm outgoing, but I'm hiding. And no one knows.
I am now getting more depressed than ever when I realized how much older I'm getting. College is becoming but a distant memory, which is really really really sad. When my parents told me that it would be the best years of my life, I had no idea how true it would be. Now here I am more than a decade later, lamenting the fact that I am the least accomplished of everyone I know. Sure I have an active social life, but I am not intellectually involved, passionate about anything or accomplished in any career. I am the classic underachiever, yet I don't understand when I suddenly switched from being an overachiever who was motivated, excited and driven to someone who does the bare minimum to get by.
I need to make a change. What I really need is therapy. My best friend has been telling me this for years. I meet with my psychiatrist about every six weeks so he can gauge how I'm doing and manage my meds. But my day-to-day problems continue to persist and persist and persist. Like I said, it's a broken record. Read any of my posts in this blog. Nothing has changed. Pathetic really.
Now I'm holed up in my apartment when I should be out celebrating Shabbat with friends or strangers. It matters not. But I'm alone. I've isolated myself. I want to cry.
And I'm being melodramatic, it's true. I should set some goals for myself. I should celebrate the small steps in the right direction. 'Cause that's what it takes. That's how I can start.
I am now getting more depressed than ever when I realized how much older I'm getting. College is becoming but a distant memory, which is really really really sad. When my parents told me that it would be the best years of my life, I had no idea how true it would be. Now here I am more than a decade later, lamenting the fact that I am the least accomplished of everyone I know. Sure I have an active social life, but I am not intellectually involved, passionate about anything or accomplished in any career. I am the classic underachiever, yet I don't understand when I suddenly switched from being an overachiever who was motivated, excited and driven to someone who does the bare minimum to get by.
I need to make a change. What I really need is therapy. My best friend has been telling me this for years. I meet with my psychiatrist about every six weeks so he can gauge how I'm doing and manage my meds. But my day-to-day problems continue to persist and persist and persist. Like I said, it's a broken record. Read any of my posts in this blog. Nothing has changed. Pathetic really.
Now I'm holed up in my apartment when I should be out celebrating Shabbat with friends or strangers. It matters not. But I'm alone. I've isolated myself. I want to cry.
And I'm being melodramatic, it's true. I should set some goals for myself. I should celebrate the small steps in the right direction. 'Cause that's what it takes. That's how I can start.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I am in a rut...mostly
My social life is good, but I can't get my life together otherwise. I have been staying in bed and doing nothing all day for days on end. Yet, when I go out and see friends and take trips, I am pretty much fine. I just have no internal motivation, nothing to drive me to move forward in any respect. I don't even have it in me to clean my room or organize my desk. I feel like I can't get anything accomplished unless my living space is comfortable and clear.
In any case, I need to get my shit together because my unemployment benefits are running out and I kind of need to pay my bills! I did do a focus group a couple weeks ago which was pretty awesome. I need to do more of those - what an easy way to make money. In fact, I'd probably be pretty good as the focus group facilitator. The chick simply facilitated a conversation with us, something which I am pretty good at.
So despite it all, summer in NYC is pretty cool. I have been seeing movies outdoors, going to see performances in Central Park and walking the city in cute sandals.
I also have a budding romance with the gentleman described in the previous post! I got a little bit in over my head after first meeting him, but we have gone out and I do like him... and he *is* a great kisser! We will be going out again this weekend.
Oh and also, I have made a couple new girlfriends who are really fabulous...easy to talk to and up for doing fun things in the city.
I have decided that if I could hold down a decent job that my life would be complete. Except for that, all the pieces of my life are together. I have an apartment, great social life (friends + dating), close family and a love of the city.
As for my chemical (im)balance, I can't quite figure out where I am... a lot of symptoms of depression, but at times, hypomania kind of setting in (this was more apparent a month ago). I am clearly happy and functional when I actually leave the house and interact with others. Hmmm... I will never be normal; even if I become "stabilized," it can only be temporary and there is always the looming threat of regression into one state or another.
Need to get over this all and somehow get inspired...
In any case, I need to get my shit together because my unemployment benefits are running out and I kind of need to pay my bills! I did do a focus group a couple weeks ago which was pretty awesome. I need to do more of those - what an easy way to make money. In fact, I'd probably be pretty good as the focus group facilitator. The chick simply facilitated a conversation with us, something which I am pretty good at.
So despite it all, summer in NYC is pretty cool. I have been seeing movies outdoors, going to see performances in Central Park and walking the city in cute sandals.
I also have a budding romance with the gentleman described in the previous post! I got a little bit in over my head after first meeting him, but we have gone out and I do like him... and he *is* a great kisser! We will be going out again this weekend.
Oh and also, I have made a couple new girlfriends who are really fabulous...easy to talk to and up for doing fun things in the city.
I have decided that if I could hold down a decent job that my life would be complete. Except for that, all the pieces of my life are together. I have an apartment, great social life (friends + dating), close family and a love of the city.
As for my chemical (im)balance, I can't quite figure out where I am... a lot of symptoms of depression, but at times, hypomania kind of setting in (this was more apparent a month ago). I am clearly happy and functional when I actually leave the house and interact with others. Hmmm... I will never be normal; even if I become "stabilized," it can only be temporary and there is always the looming threat of regression into one state or another.
Need to get over this all and somehow get inspired...
Friday, June 05, 2009
Smitten...
I am smitten like never before (or that I can recall)!!!
I met the most adorable sweet Jewish guy at a party last night. So cute/hot that I almost think he's out of my league, but we had great conversation and flirted very much! At the end of the night he kissed me and it was like the earth stopped. Lightning and thunder. Fireworks. Butterflies. WOW. AMAZING. I was totally lost in the moment and wanted to kiss him forever. And now I can't stop thinking about him!! I know I shouldn't get my hopes up though....even though we really connected and he had that LOOK in his eyes of being really into me :) He asked me out and got my digits, but we didn't set a date...
At first, I was just so excited about him and immediately told a few close friends and my sister.....but now I'm starting to worry that perhaps my reaction is elevated and I am not totally in my right mind (ie kind of manic-y). I am recalling the last time I got completely obsessed with a guy and it was one of my worst episodes ever. I thought I was in love with him and he just withdrew from me because I was too intense.
So now the question is, how do I know if I am having normal feelings and butterflies or if I am getting too over-excited and exaggerating things....I mean, I did just dump a guy recently...whom I had no feelings for. I stayed with him because I thought I would grow to like him more, and besides, I was losing hope that any guy would want to be with me, so maybe I should keep him. (I'm so glad I overcame that ridiculous thought.)
So perhaps, I'm not so out of whack if the last guy didn't make me fall head over heels and this guy did.... It has do with the guy, not my current chemical balance, right?.....However, on second thought, my doc just upped my anti-depressant and decreased my lithium. OY. He told me that I would start feeling more up.....but as long as it's not *too* far up, this high feeling is *REALLY* great!! (and a legal way to get to this state!)
What to do, what to do!? I am waiting on pins and needles for him to call. But I need to force myself to take it slow.
(But WOW, if he kisses like that...it's an indicator of what's to come! I hope!)
I met the most adorable sweet Jewish guy at a party last night. So cute/hot that I almost think he's out of my league, but we had great conversation and flirted very much! At the end of the night he kissed me and it was like the earth stopped. Lightning and thunder. Fireworks. Butterflies. WOW. AMAZING. I was totally lost in the moment and wanted to kiss him forever. And now I can't stop thinking about him!! I know I shouldn't get my hopes up though....even though we really connected and he had that LOOK in his eyes of being really into me :) He asked me out and got my digits, but we didn't set a date...
At first, I was just so excited about him and immediately told a few close friends and my sister.....but now I'm starting to worry that perhaps my reaction is elevated and I am not totally in my right mind (ie kind of manic-y). I am recalling the last time I got completely obsessed with a guy and it was one of my worst episodes ever. I thought I was in love with him and he just withdrew from me because I was too intense.
So now the question is, how do I know if I am having normal feelings and butterflies or if I am getting too over-excited and exaggerating things....I mean, I did just dump a guy recently...whom I had no feelings for. I stayed with him because I thought I would grow to like him more, and besides, I was losing hope that any guy would want to be with me, so maybe I should keep him. (I'm so glad I overcame that ridiculous thought.)
So perhaps, I'm not so out of whack if the last guy didn't make me fall head over heels and this guy did.... It has do with the guy, not my current chemical balance, right?.....However, on second thought, my doc just upped my anti-depressant and decreased my lithium. OY. He told me that I would start feeling more up.....but as long as it's not *too* far up, this high feeling is *REALLY* great!! (and a legal way to get to this state!)
What to do, what to do!? I am waiting on pins and needles for him to call. But I need to force myself to take it slow.
(But WOW, if he kisses like that...it's an indicator of what's to come! I hope!)
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Musings
It's winter. I enjoy walking outside in my cute winter coats, hats and mittens. Breathing in the chilly air. The festive lights lining Broadway are heralding in a new season of love and giving. Perhaps...
I am doing better than I have been lately. However, I am really down on myself when I consider where I am nearly six years after graduating college. I compare myself to others to no end. I see people making more money, having nicer apartments (without roommates), being professional, having grown-up conversations to which I feel too dumb to contribute (which is of course ridiculous) and just being happier, more productive members of society. And then I see so many of my peers who are happily married and with cute little kids running around. It is reassuring to see that many of these young parents are older though (eg late thirties). It gives me a little hope.
In other news, I got a job! It is a sales position at a huge corporate entity which should have some good benefits... if I can hold down the job. Wow, there is promise. I'm quite nervous though and have very little confidence that I will succeed. I just hope that I won't regret not having done more to investigate job fields and whatnot during all this downtime that I have had. By the way, I found a new website called the Unemployed Tourist that has all kinds of cheap/free things to do in NYC from 9-5.. Hmm... wish I had found that earlier!
I guess things are on the up and up... we'll see how things go...
PS It's snowing now! Flurries are so pretty from inside where it's nice & warm & toasty!
I am doing better than I have been lately. However, I am really down on myself when I consider where I am nearly six years after graduating college. I compare myself to others to no end. I see people making more money, having nicer apartments (without roommates), being professional, having grown-up conversations to which I feel too dumb to contribute (which is of course ridiculous) and just being happier, more productive members of society. And then I see so many of my peers who are happily married and with cute little kids running around. It is reassuring to see that many of these young parents are older though (eg late thirties). It gives me a little hope.
In other news, I got a job! It is a sales position at a huge corporate entity which should have some good benefits... if I can hold down the job. Wow, there is promise. I'm quite nervous though and have very little confidence that I will succeed. I just hope that I won't regret not having done more to investigate job fields and whatnot during all this downtime that I have had. By the way, I found a new website called the Unemployed Tourist that has all kinds of cheap/free things to do in NYC from 9-5.. Hmm... wish I had found that earlier!
I guess things are on the up and up... we'll see how things go...
PS It's snowing now! Flurries are so pretty from inside where it's nice & warm & toasty!
Monday, October 20, 2008
"Meet Your Match"
Apparently, the 92nd Street Y thinks that I am old, desperate and pathetic! I received a bright pink large postcard in the mail from them to "Meet Your Match." All the events are for ages 30s, 40s & 50s (mostly skewed toward older), with titles like "How to Meet More Men After 40" and "Deeper Dating." Thanks a lot, 92Y! I guess it shows that it could be worse...
I don't even go to singles events for 20s...or at least, events that are billed that way. Plenty of parties, events and trips are geared toward singles, without being "singles events." I truly believe that I am going to meet my besheret regardless of which parties I choose to go to. G-d will make it happen! (I hope... Of course, in every other regard, I have little faith, but that's another post for another time.)
Yet, the older I get, the slimmer the prospects... A 24- or 25-year-old guy (I hesitate to call him a "man" and am tempted to write "boy"!) flirted shamelessly with me the other night, but it went nowhere. If he had been a gentleman and walked me home, perhaps I would have invited him up! His loss!
(with apologies to any single readers who meet the above demographic requirements for these programs!)
I don't even go to singles events for 20s...or at least, events that are billed that way. Plenty of parties, events and trips are geared toward singles, without being "singles events." I truly believe that I am going to meet my besheret regardless of which parties I choose to go to. G-d will make it happen! (I hope... Of course, in every other regard, I have little faith, but that's another post for another time.)
Yet, the older I get, the slimmer the prospects... A 24- or 25-year-old guy (I hesitate to call him a "man" and am tempted to write "boy"!) flirted shamelessly with me the other night, but it went nowhere. If he had been a gentleman and walked me home, perhaps I would have invited him up! His loss!
(with apologies to any single readers who meet the above demographic requirements for these programs!)
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
$100,000
It's a bit of an outrageous goal, but it's what I'd like to earn in FY2009. If I get the kind of job I am aiming to get and work really hard, it is feasible...
How I would spend it:
$45,000 taxes?
$24,000 living expenses
$18,000 savings/investment/RothIRA
$5,000 tzedakah (charity)
$4,000 travel
$2,000 clothes
$2,000 pay back debt
How does that sound? I'll let you know if it happens!!!
How I would spend it:
$45,000 taxes?
$24,000 living expenses
$18,000 savings/investment/RothIRA
$5,000 tzedakah (charity)
$4,000 travel
$2,000 clothes
$2,000 pay back debt
How does that sound? I'll let you know if it happens!!!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
DVR Disrupts Law & Order!
I am not a big TV watcher...which is why I love my DVR. I can tape shows and then watch them at my leisure. I have movies saved up in the queue for when I might want 'em, too. (In short, DVR helps accommodate my active social life in Manhattan - yeah right!)
However, today, my DVR failed me. I was watching a real-time Law & Order: Criminal Intent and it had me sitting on the edge of my seat and biting my nails. There were five minutes left in the show, when an alert popped up on the bottom of the screen asking whether or not I wanted to keep or cancel a scheduled DVR recording. I realized that since I had paused the Law & Order show for awhile, and then started watching it 20 minutes later, it had been "taped." The DVR system only allows for the taping of one show at a time.
In any case, long story short, my show was suddenly obliterated from my screen (right in the middle of an intense interrogation!) and one of my roommate's shows popped up. SO annoying!
So, by any chance, did anyone see the L&I episode tonight (9-10pm) in which a seedy lawyer has a string of affairs and murders all the mistresses? I want to know what happened! Actually, I can guess. I just wish I could have seen it for myself!
Anyway, I can get my Law and Order fix whenever I want since I've got a bunch of shows in my DVR queue :)
On a related note, I decided that I think I prefer L&I:CI to L&I:SVU. Vincent D'Onofrio is just a great actor and I love watching him. Also, the chick is cool and the one on SVU kind of annoys me.
However, today, my DVR failed me. I was watching a real-time Law & Order: Criminal Intent and it had me sitting on the edge of my seat and biting my nails. There were five minutes left in the show, when an alert popped up on the bottom of the screen asking whether or not I wanted to keep or cancel a scheduled DVR recording. I realized that since I had paused the Law & Order show for awhile, and then started watching it 20 minutes later, it had been "taped." The DVR system only allows for the taping of one show at a time.
In any case, long story short, my show was suddenly obliterated from my screen (right in the middle of an intense interrogation!) and one of my roommate's shows popped up. SO annoying!
So, by any chance, did anyone see the L&I episode tonight (9-10pm) in which a seedy lawyer has a string of affairs and murders all the mistresses? I want to know what happened! Actually, I can guess. I just wish I could have seen it for myself!
Anyway, I can get my Law and Order fix whenever I want since I've got a bunch of shows in my DVR queue :)
On a related note, I decided that I think I prefer L&I:CI to L&I:SVU. Vincent D'Onofrio is just a great actor and I love watching him. Also, the chick is cool and the one on SVU kind of annoys me.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Dysfunctional Community
A friend of mine has described the Upper West Side (Jewish-particularly Orthodox) dating community as dysfunctional. It's very close-knit and people tend to socialize and date within the community, yet are unwilling to settle down. I think that this trend mirrors a larger trend within NYC (and other urban areas), namely that young singles are committment-phobic and insatiable. There's gotta be something better (eg a partner) around the corner. Besides, being single is so much more fun!
For young observant Jews (not me, not so much...well kind of), however, the delay in getting married is starting to be labeled as a "crisis." Yesterday, a documentary addressing this subject aired on NYCTV. Here's the trailer:
I haven't yet watched it (that's what DVR is for!)
For young observant Jews (not me, not so much...well kind of), however, the delay in getting married is starting to be labeled as a "crisis." Yesterday, a documentary addressing this subject aired on NYCTV. Here's the trailer:
I haven't yet watched it (that's what DVR is for!)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
"Help me with my English please..."
...was the theme of last night's date.
We had fun flirting and talking and joking around... but at the end of the night, he was weird. I thought there was chemistry, but when I touched his arm during dinner and his back while we were looking at a map together, he did nothing. When he dropped me off at the subway, he was about to walk away without even giving me a hug (or a handshake or high 5 or anything!) -- until I initiated it. It was awkward. Why?! I will be really surprised if he calls me. I thought we had a fun time. The end just weirded me out. Could he have really been that awkward or was he just not interested? Hmmm...
In the meantime, I have not heard from Dr. Gorgeous... I'm not so disappointed because I know he's out of my league... but I would like to be his friend and/or set him up with someone else! I suppose he's not in the habit of making new female friends though because I bet they all fall in love with him!!
Honestly, men are just a different species. I should stop acting so surprised. I've been dating for more than a decade now!
We had fun flirting and talking and joking around... but at the end of the night, he was weird. I thought there was chemistry, but when I touched his arm during dinner and his back while we were looking at a map together, he did nothing. When he dropped me off at the subway, he was about to walk away without even giving me a hug (or a handshake or high 5 or anything!) -- until I initiated it. It was awkward. Why?! I will be really surprised if he calls me. I thought we had a fun time. The end just weirded me out. Could he have really been that awkward or was he just not interested? Hmmm...
In the meantime, I have not heard from Dr. Gorgeous... I'm not so disappointed because I know he's out of my league... but I would like to be his friend and/or set him up with someone else! I suppose he's not in the habit of making new female friends though because I bet they all fall in love with him!!
Honestly, men are just a different species. I should stop acting so surprised. I've been dating for more than a decade now!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
New TV Ad to Promote Israeli Tourism
Has anyone seen it? I was not able to locate it on YouTube, but it aired on FOX at 12:30pm today (target audience: rich housewives?)
I hate to criticize Israel because it is my first love (okay, not counting family + future husband), but I was not a fan of this ad.
The commercial starts with a pair of tourists (a couple) who are trying to find their way and two Israeli women walk by quickly, say shalom and give a wide gesture toward the building behind them (the Knesset, Israeli parliament, perhaps). The couple continues along their way and is greeted with "Shalom" by: an art gallery owner who brings them inside, a gardener guy who turns off the sprinkler for them to pass, a dude reading the newspaper in the Dead Sea and perhaps a couple more. Everyone is super-friendly (which is not an exaggeration, I should mention). Toward the end, the couple embraces as they look at the view of the Old City. Definitely cheesy, but I suppose it could be an effective draw.
In general, the commercial shows a variety of scenes from Israel, but basically, it's a perfectly typical, boring, happy-go-lucky couple traipsing through Israel wearing button-down shirts and puppy-dog eyes. Its concept completely strays from a former commercial that had hot babes in bikinis. (I really wish I could have found this one on YouTube. You would enjoy it!) A happy medium could have been reached -- that is, between showing the normal tourist experience and having a little sexiness there, too!
However, the worst part was at the end, when the speaker said "Israel" and it sounded like "isz-RAAAIIIIL." Oy vey! Way to have a spokesperson who can't even say the name of the country correctly! Why not choose a Jewish or Israeli voiceover artist (or at least someone who can fake it!)? I actually know two! This is an abomination! How can you have an ad for your country when the name of the country is pronounced wrong!?!
I hate to criticize Israel because it is my first love (okay, not counting family + future husband), but I was not a fan of this ad.
The commercial starts with a pair of tourists (a couple) who are trying to find their way and two Israeli women walk by quickly, say shalom and give a wide gesture toward the building behind them (the Knesset, Israeli parliament, perhaps). The couple continues along their way and is greeted with "Shalom" by: an art gallery owner who brings them inside, a gardener guy who turns off the sprinkler for them to pass, a dude reading the newspaper in the Dead Sea and perhaps a couple more. Everyone is super-friendly (which is not an exaggeration, I should mention). Toward the end, the couple embraces as they look at the view of the Old City. Definitely cheesy, but I suppose it could be an effective draw.
In general, the commercial shows a variety of scenes from Israel, but basically, it's a perfectly typical, boring, happy-go-lucky couple traipsing through Israel wearing button-down shirts and puppy-dog eyes. Its concept completely strays from a former commercial that had hot babes in bikinis. (I really wish I could have found this one on YouTube. You would enjoy it!) A happy medium could have been reached -- that is, between showing the normal tourist experience and having a little sexiness there, too!
However, the worst part was at the end, when the speaker said "Israel" and it sounded like "isz-RAAAIIIIL." Oy vey! Way to have a spokesperson who can't even say the name of the country correctly! Why not choose a Jewish or Israeli voiceover artist (or at least someone who can fake it!)? I actually know two! This is an abomination! How can you have an ad for your country when the name of the country is pronounced wrong!?!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Dr. Gorgeous
So life is up! And so is my luck!
I met a gorgeous guy this weekend. He is very tall, about 6'3. He is suave and sexy and has a British accent. Plus he's a doctor. And he's Jewish. And he's Israeli. Yet, he's also very kind, sincere, funny and has good taste in music! I don't have a picture of him to share with you, but imagine a cross between McDreamy (from Grey's Anatomy) and Mr. Big (from Sex in the City)! What could be wrong?!?!
A couple things just aren't computing for me.
1. How could there be such an incredible Jewish guy out there? He simply must be too good to be true. Jewish guys just don't come in this variety. There's a catch, I'm sure. He's divorced. He has kids in all the countries he's lived in (international playboy of sorts). Maybe he has major commitment issues. Or is a porn star and not a surgeon. Maybe he's just not Jewish and knows enough to impersonate one. Worst case scenario: maybe he's bipolar like me. According to this past week's NYT Magazine cover article, that would not bode well for our children.
2. How could such an incredible Jewish guy be interested in ME? I told my girlfriends that he's too good for me and they were shocked to hear me say that. But gorgeous guys go with gorgeous girls. That's just how it usually works. I know what my type is. I'm not skinny, fashionable, light-hearted and confident. I mean, I'm not fat, ugly, depressing and self-deprecating either...but still... When you're at a party, everybody always checks each other out and can usually identify who is get-able for them and who is not. (And embarrassment can ensue if you don't have this social barometer!)
Maybe I should stop all this nonsense. I really just should have gone home with him on Saturday night!!! I'll have to see about making that opportunity come up (haha) again...
I met a gorgeous guy this weekend. He is very tall, about 6'3. He is suave and sexy and has a British accent. Plus he's a doctor. And he's Jewish. And he's Israeli. Yet, he's also very kind, sincere, funny and has good taste in music! I don't have a picture of him to share with you, but imagine a cross between McDreamy (from Grey's Anatomy) and Mr. Big (from Sex in the City)! What could be wrong?!?!
A couple things just aren't computing for me.
1. How could there be such an incredible Jewish guy out there? He simply must be too good to be true. Jewish guys just don't come in this variety. There's a catch, I'm sure. He's divorced. He has kids in all the countries he's lived in (international playboy of sorts). Maybe he has major commitment issues. Or is a porn star and not a surgeon. Maybe he's just not Jewish and knows enough to impersonate one. Worst case scenario: maybe he's bipolar like me. According to this past week's NYT Magazine cover article, that would not bode well for our children.
2. How could such an incredible Jewish guy be interested in ME? I told my girlfriends that he's too good for me and they were shocked to hear me say that. But gorgeous guys go with gorgeous girls. That's just how it usually works. I know what my type is. I'm not skinny, fashionable, light-hearted and confident. I mean, I'm not fat, ugly, depressing and self-deprecating either...but still... When you're at a party, everybody always checks each other out and can usually identify who is get-able for them and who is not. (And embarrassment can ensue if you don't have this social barometer!)
Maybe I should stop all this nonsense. I really just should have gone home with him on Saturday night!!! I'll have to see about making that opportunity come up (haha) again...
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Is Anyone There??
If you are reading this, please take a moment to comment & say hello!
I am doing better. Doctor upped my anti-depressant a few days ago and it really makes a difference. Hopefully, I'll be able to focus better to apply for and maybe even get a job!
Don't be shy -- Say hi!!
I am doing better. Doctor upped my anti-depressant a few days ago and it really makes a difference. Hopefully, I'll be able to focus better to apply for and maybe even get a job!
Don't be shy -- Say hi!!
Friday, September 12, 2008
From the Archives: A list from 2004
Things Could Be Worse
1) I could be an orphan.
2) I could be deaf.
3) I could be blind.
4) I could be paralyzed.
5) I could be homeless.
6) I could have a fatal disease.
7) I could be living in a dictatorship.
8) I could be persecuted because I'm Jewish.
9) I could be lost in the middle of nowhere for eternity.
10) I could be immortal.
11) I could have no faith (which I sometimes don't).
12) I could be cold-hearted.
13) I could hate children.
14) I could have an STD.
15) I could be a victim of something terrible and suffer from the fallout for the rest of my life (e.g. nightmares, post-traumatic stress disorder)
16) I could lose a loved one when I am least emotionally prepared for if (NOT TO JINX MYSELF - bli eyn hara)
17) I could be filthy rich - what way to be more miserable? There is such a thing has having it too good.
18) I could be forced to degrade myself to make ends meet.
19) I could have no cushion to fall on - emotionally, financially, etc. - e.g. a support network and generous kind parents to lend a hand when I need it.
20) I could be terribly socially awkward. (I sort of am now, but not that badly.)
(I recently looked through 11 old journals and will be posting some of the more interesting tidbits...)
1) I could be an orphan.
2) I could be deaf.
3) I could be blind.
4) I could be paralyzed.
5) I could be homeless.
6) I could have a fatal disease.
7) I could be living in a dictatorship.
8) I could be persecuted because I'm Jewish.
9) I could be lost in the middle of nowhere for eternity.
10) I could be immortal.
11) I could have no faith (which I sometimes don't).
12) I could be cold-hearted.
13) I could hate children.
14) I could have an STD.
15) I could be a victim of something terrible and suffer from the fallout for the rest of my life (e.g. nightmares, post-traumatic stress disorder)
16) I could lose a loved one when I am least emotionally prepared for if (NOT TO JINX MYSELF - bli eyn hara)
17) I could be filthy rich - what way to be more miserable? There is such a thing has having it too good.
18) I could be forced to degrade myself to make ends meet.
19) I could have no cushion to fall on - emotionally, financially, etc. - e.g. a support network and generous kind parents to lend a hand when I need it.
20) I could be terribly socially awkward. (I sort of am now, but not that badly.)
(I recently looked through 11 old journals and will be posting some of the more interesting tidbits...)
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Things about me II
The first list I made was in 2006. Here's some more (another triple chai=54):
55. I started running in the parks near me. It feels good.
56. I have never used a vibrator.
57. I have thought about it and would buy it in cash.
58. I am completely heterosexual, but am curious about lesbians. I wonder what it would feel like.
59. I wish I could [redacted]
60. I wonder if I'll ever have as good sex as I did back in '03.
61. I am generous.
62. I have a niece who is beautiful and innocent and oh-so-lucky.
63. I am almost 30 and still live with roommates.
64. My best friend is so talented. I aspire to be like her.
65. I discovered that I have family in Israel. This is HUGE. They are wonderful.
66. I really danced with a guy for the first time in years this weekend. He is super-cute, but kind of a shmucky personality. He was hitting on me. I would sleep with him if he weren't in my community. That would be fun. Especially drunk.
67. Sometimes I am too self-deprecating to people who I am not close to.
68. I like to plan parties for my friends. I want to plan another one after I secure a job.
69. It can be really hot in the right position with the right guy!
70. I buy party dresses and only wear them once.
71. I have a fabulous little black dress that I recently wore to a wedding. It's a must-have in every girl's wardrobe.
72. I painted my bedroom.
73. I am addicted to Facebook. It is very VERY bad.
74. I wish I could rewind to 2002.
75. I wish I had gone for a graduate degree.
76. I wish I had married my only love and moved to Israel.
77. I wish I weren't so wistful.
78. I have a ton of friends - 582 on FB, to be exact - but not many close ones.
79. I want to be more involved in philanthropic causes. I need to make this happen.
80. I love lightning.
81. I love swimming under waterfalls. Everything else is forgotten.
82. A cutie (with a gf) asked if I wanted a threesome this summer. It's the second time someone has ever asked me. He was joking, but there was some seriousness to it, methinks.
83. I wonder what I would do with a million dollars. I wouldn't know where to start.
84. I like being on top.
85. I would love to collect quality art. Someday.
86. I am scared to have children.
87. I am presumptuous to even write the above.
88. I can't believe that men and women 6 years younger than I are post-college professionals who are my contemporaries. And are often more successful than me.
89. I would like to be more spiritual and get more out of religion.
90. I do not respect my father.
91. I fear that my brother will be like him.
92. I admire my sister. She is strong and capable and independent - and she wasn't always.
93. I love scrapbooking.
94. I am very competitive.
95. I am a chocoholic. I need to find satisfying alternatives before I blow up into a balloon.
96. I can't afford therapy.
97. I can't afford anything actually.
98. I love a spiritual havdallah with singing and dancing.
99. I discovered that I can still dive.
100. I would love to lose 20 pounds.
101. I want to wear a bikini next summer. And be comfortable in it.
102. I wish I had direction.
103. I love it when my nails grow long.
104. I am ready for a change.
105. I would like to play the field more.
106. I would like to read more.
107. I would like to run more.
108. I would like to have a sneak preview of the future. Just to give me hope.
55. I started running in the parks near me. It feels good.
56. I have never used a vibrator.
57. I have thought about it and would buy it in cash.
58. I am completely heterosexual, but am curious about lesbians. I wonder what it would feel like.
59. I wish I could [redacted]
60. I wonder if I'll ever have as good sex as I did back in '03.
61. I am generous.
62. I have a niece who is beautiful and innocent and oh-so-lucky.
63. I am almost 30 and still live with roommates.
64. My best friend is so talented. I aspire to be like her.
65. I discovered that I have family in Israel. This is HUGE. They are wonderful.
66. I really danced with a guy for the first time in years this weekend. He is super-cute, but kind of a shmucky personality. He was hitting on me. I would sleep with him if he weren't in my community. That would be fun. Especially drunk.
67. Sometimes I am too self-deprecating to people who I am not close to.
68. I like to plan parties for my friends. I want to plan another one after I secure a job.
69. It can be really hot in the right position with the right guy!
70. I buy party dresses and only wear them once.
71. I have a fabulous little black dress that I recently wore to a wedding. It's a must-have in every girl's wardrobe.
72. I painted my bedroom.
73. I am addicted to Facebook. It is very VERY bad.
74. I wish I could rewind to 2002.
75. I wish I had gone for a graduate degree.
76. I wish I had married my only love and moved to Israel.
77. I wish I weren't so wistful.
78. I have a ton of friends - 582 on FB, to be exact - but not many close ones.
79. I want to be more involved in philanthropic causes. I need to make this happen.
80. I love lightning.
81. I love swimming under waterfalls. Everything else is forgotten.
82. A cutie (with a gf) asked if I wanted a threesome this summer. It's the second time someone has ever asked me. He was joking, but there was some seriousness to it, methinks.
83. I wonder what I would do with a million dollars. I wouldn't know where to start.
84. I like being on top.
85. I would love to collect quality art. Someday.
86. I am scared to have children.
87. I am presumptuous to even write the above.
88. I can't believe that men and women 6 years younger than I are post-college professionals who are my contemporaries. And are often more successful than me.
89. I would like to be more spiritual and get more out of religion.
90. I do not respect my father.
91. I fear that my brother will be like him.
92. I admire my sister. She is strong and capable and independent - and she wasn't always.
93. I love scrapbooking.
94. I am very competitive.
95. I am a chocoholic. I need to find satisfying alternatives before I blow up into a balloon.
96. I can't afford therapy.
97. I can't afford anything actually.
98. I love a spiritual havdallah with singing and dancing.
99. I discovered that I can still dive.
100. I would love to lose 20 pounds.
101. I want to wear a bikini next summer. And be comfortable in it.
102. I wish I had direction.
103. I love it when my nails grow long.
104. I am ready for a change.
105. I would like to play the field more.
106. I would like to read more.
107. I would like to run more.
108. I would like to have a sneak preview of the future. Just to give me hope.
Slip Sliding Away...
So here I am...more than 4 years after I started this blog. It's interesting to read back about the roller-coaster that has been my life.
Right now, I am stuck in a rut...though I always have been in some way or another. I have barely been supporting myself, have absolutely no motivation and have a complete and utter lack of self-esteem, such that I am paralyzed to even sit down and revise my resume.
I want to move to Israel. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. Who knows when any of those things will happen, but as I get older, the chances for everything get slimmer.
I don't feel smart anymore. I don't feel worthy of my college degree. I don't follow the news. I don't know what's going on in Iraq. I don't know what's going on with the 2008 election. And I'm pretty apathetic about it. I guess I just have enough of my own problems to contend with. Yet, I should still be worldly and try to be intellectual and read and learn and join a book club and attend lectures and maybe even take a class. It's a goal, I suppose.
I haven't told many people that I don't plan on voting. Honestly, the only issue of any interest to me is Israel. I think (have heard/read) that Obama is anti-Israel and McCain would be better for it. Yet, McCain (with his idiotic running mate, about whom I know little...but enough to make that judgment) does not necessarily have my other concerns in mind--social welfare, education, abortion, taxes, etc. I haven't taken the time to research it though, so what do I know? I also recall Joe Biden as being pro-Israel. So besides the fact that my vote won't count (New York will go Democratic anyway) and besides the fact that the electoral voters can vote for whichever candidate they fancy (regardless of the popular vote), I simply don't think that who the next president is will seriously impact the state of this country and the state of the world. Enough about politics...
On to something I know a bit more about: MEN. Ha! I met a cutie this summer, but it didn't last very long (we only went out once, but it was a romantic night out on the town). I really wanted to go home with him, but it was not in the cards, even though he seemed to very much like me as well. I also met a second cutie who showed me that I am indeed still capable of an orgasm. But it has now been almost 2 years since I've had sex. On the one hand, I'd like to just wait for the right guy now, but on the other hand, I honestly would LOVE to have a couple one-night stands with guys who are NOT part of my community. That would be FUN. Perhaps it's just what I need to get my self-esteem up. (Now isn't that healthy!?)
Five of my friends are getting married in the next year. I think it's the second round of wedding fever. The first happened in my mid-20s and now this one is happening in my late-20s. Thank G-d I still have plenty of single friends left. Otherwise, I'd be pretty depressed. And I'm already depressed enough...
Right now, I am stuck in a rut...though I always have been in some way or another. I have barely been supporting myself, have absolutely no motivation and have a complete and utter lack of self-esteem, such that I am paralyzed to even sit down and revise my resume.
I want to move to Israel. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. Who knows when any of those things will happen, but as I get older, the chances for everything get slimmer.
I don't feel smart anymore. I don't feel worthy of my college degree. I don't follow the news. I don't know what's going on in Iraq. I don't know what's going on with the 2008 election. And I'm pretty apathetic about it. I guess I just have enough of my own problems to contend with. Yet, I should still be worldly and try to be intellectual and read and learn and join a book club and attend lectures and maybe even take a class. It's a goal, I suppose.
I haven't told many people that I don't plan on voting. Honestly, the only issue of any interest to me is Israel. I think (have heard/read) that Obama is anti-Israel and McCain would be better for it. Yet, McCain (with his idiotic running mate, about whom I know little...but enough to make that judgment) does not necessarily have my other concerns in mind--social welfare, education, abortion, taxes, etc. I haven't taken the time to research it though, so what do I know? I also recall Joe Biden as being pro-Israel. So besides the fact that my vote won't count (New York will go Democratic anyway) and besides the fact that the electoral voters can vote for whichever candidate they fancy (regardless of the popular vote), I simply don't think that who the next president is will seriously impact the state of this country and the state of the world. Enough about politics...
On to something I know a bit more about: MEN. Ha! I met a cutie this summer, but it didn't last very long (we only went out once, but it was a romantic night out on the town). I really wanted to go home with him, but it was not in the cards, even though he seemed to very much like me as well. I also met a second cutie who showed me that I am indeed still capable of an orgasm. But it has now been almost 2 years since I've had sex. On the one hand, I'd like to just wait for the right guy now, but on the other hand, I honestly would LOVE to have a couple one-night stands with guys who are NOT part of my community. That would be FUN. Perhaps it's just what I need to get my self-esteem up. (Now isn't that healthy!?)
Five of my friends are getting married in the next year. I think it's the second round of wedding fever. The first happened in my mid-20s and now this one is happening in my late-20s. Thank G-d I still have plenty of single friends left. Otherwise, I'd be pretty depressed. And I'm already depressed enough...
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Vacation is miserable
I acknowledge that miserable is a strong word, but I am struggling financially, career-wise and relationship-wise. Here's a brief introduction to the status quo of my life at the present moment. You will have the joy of reading specific humorous anecdotes at a later date.
Finances
Money is a problem. I am very fortunate to be living in a rent-stabilized apartment, but I am still taking in very little in terms of income. It (my income) is quite erratic actually, and I just got screwed out of a freelance gig recently. I still have to send an invoice to someone for work done last month and I am nervous that the guy will refuse to pay it. I would like to go on vacation, either locally or far away, and even though I have (meager) savings, I am reluctant to use them. I need to have a little bit of reserves... (though I am proud to say that I have ZERO debt.)
Career
I am still floundering. I am 27 years old. I should have a better sense of what I want do. Hell, even a career path that I am uncertain of would be a step up from where I am. But I have had no stability whatsoever. A different employer every year (and a few jobs that lasted fewer than a few months). I have been covered by every major health insurance company at some point or another, and it has been a huge pain in the ass, to say the least. (My opinions on healthcare are a whole 'nother story.)
Anyway, here I am, doing random things that a chick with a summa cum laude degree, simply should not be doing. I need a stable job, a stable income, and an enjoyment of what I do. Forget about looking and responding to ads. I can barely work on my resume because I am so terrified of failure. I have a huge network of friends, but it is hard to use them as connections because I don't know what the hell I want to do.
This past fall, I decided I was going to hit up my friends for "informational interviews," to go to their workplaces, spend a few hours with them and see what it is they do, and see if I'd like to do it. Perhaps I need to go ahead and do that now. However, I am reluctant to go back to school for fear that I will be wasting my money, and ultimately deciding not to pursue a particular field.
I need to do a really good assessment of my skills and figure out which job field might suit me. Everyone I know who has gone to a career counselor has not had much luck. I think it's a similar experience to matchmakers. How the hell can someone truly know you and your skills and your quirks and your personality to match you to someone (or to a field/job)? I need to figure it out on my own, I think, and use my friends & family & maybe some self-help job books as guidance.
Why couldn't I have gone to law school? I am really good at detail-oriented tasks and research projects. I excel at those. Those are skills that are useful in law. But I was not going to jump on the bandwagon just because my friends were doing it. To have piles of papers on my desk and crazy bureaucracy and obscene hours did not appeal to me.... though I do know people who work for the government, derive more enjoyment from work, have more normal hours... and make very little money compared to their private-sector peers (and will probably spend more than a decade paying off loans.)
Relationships & Dating
I have not dated much in the last 9 months. I had a few very short-lived casual things this past summer (essentially pretty innocent one-night-stands; one was in the desert under the stars; it's too bad I wasn't so taken with him b/c it would have been even more romantic) and I had a date recently with a guy that I became obsessed with for a short amount of time. I don't think it was because he deserved it (he was just an ordinary nice Jewish boy), but because I have been so desperate for intimacy. And not sexual intimacy necessarily. I think my meds have largely stolen that away from me. Although from past experience, I have learned that a guy who knows what he is doing can satisfy me. Perhaps the meds have no effect on my sex life, and I just have an emotional problem getting attached to someone.
Ever since I've been diagnosed (bipolar disorder, for you new readers), I have been hesitant to get close to anyone. My last boyfriend wanted to know what was wrong and why I was withdrawing from him. However, I don't think it was my fear of commitment and sharing my problems with him, as much as it was a simple disinterest in him. I like to think that when I meet the right guy, I will know it, and I will more easily be able to open up to him, knowing withougt a doubt that he will be supportive.
[end of kvetching]
Finances
Money is a problem. I am very fortunate to be living in a rent-stabilized apartment, but I am still taking in very little in terms of income. It (my income) is quite erratic actually, and I just got screwed out of a freelance gig recently. I still have to send an invoice to someone for work done last month and I am nervous that the guy will refuse to pay it. I would like to go on vacation, either locally or far away, and even though I have (meager) savings, I am reluctant to use them. I need to have a little bit of reserves... (though I am proud to say that I have ZERO debt.)
Career
I am still floundering. I am 27 years old. I should have a better sense of what I want do. Hell, even a career path that I am uncertain of would be a step up from where I am. But I have had no stability whatsoever. A different employer every year (and a few jobs that lasted fewer than a few months). I have been covered by every major health insurance company at some point or another, and it has been a huge pain in the ass, to say the least. (My opinions on healthcare are a whole 'nother story.)
Anyway, here I am, doing random things that a chick with a summa cum laude degree, simply should not be doing. I need a stable job, a stable income, and an enjoyment of what I do. Forget about looking and responding to ads. I can barely work on my resume because I am so terrified of failure. I have a huge network of friends, but it is hard to use them as connections because I don't know what the hell I want to do.
This past fall, I decided I was going to hit up my friends for "informational interviews," to go to their workplaces, spend a few hours with them and see what it is they do, and see if I'd like to do it. Perhaps I need to go ahead and do that now. However, I am reluctant to go back to school for fear that I will be wasting my money, and ultimately deciding not to pursue a particular field.
I need to do a really good assessment of my skills and figure out which job field might suit me. Everyone I know who has gone to a career counselor has not had much luck. I think it's a similar experience to matchmakers. How the hell can someone truly know you and your skills and your quirks and your personality to match you to someone (or to a field/job)? I need to figure it out on my own, I think, and use my friends & family & maybe some self-help job books as guidance.
Why couldn't I have gone to law school? I am really good at detail-oriented tasks and research projects. I excel at those. Those are skills that are useful in law. But I was not going to jump on the bandwagon just because my friends were doing it. To have piles of papers on my desk and crazy bureaucracy and obscene hours did not appeal to me.... though I do know people who work for the government, derive more enjoyment from work, have more normal hours... and make very little money compared to their private-sector peers (and will probably spend more than a decade paying off loans.)
Relationships & Dating
I have not dated much in the last 9 months. I had a few very short-lived casual things this past summer (essentially pretty innocent one-night-stands; one was in the desert under the stars; it's too bad I wasn't so taken with him b/c it would have been even more romantic) and I had a date recently with a guy that I became obsessed with for a short amount of time. I don't think it was because he deserved it (he was just an ordinary nice Jewish boy), but because I have been so desperate for intimacy. And not sexual intimacy necessarily. I think my meds have largely stolen that away from me. Although from past experience, I have learned that a guy who knows what he is doing can satisfy me. Perhaps the meds have no effect on my sex life, and I just have an emotional problem getting attached to someone.
Ever since I've been diagnosed (bipolar disorder, for you new readers), I have been hesitant to get close to anyone. My last boyfriend wanted to know what was wrong and why I was withdrawing from him. However, I don't think it was my fear of commitment and sharing my problems with him, as much as it was a simple disinterest in him. I like to think that when I meet the right guy, I will know it, and I will more easily be able to open up to him, knowing withougt a doubt that he will be supportive.
[end of kvetching]
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Resuming the Blog...
I have had no posts for 2007 and the year is virtually over!
I will do my best to write some interesting and entertaining content for my readers soon.
Happy holidays!
:)
I will do my best to write some interesting and entertaining content for my readers soon.
Happy holidays!
:)
Friday, November 17, 2006
I love my bank!
I received the following notice from them:
Sender: Commerce Bank
Subject: Refunded Payment - Verizon Wireless
Message: The check issued to this payee has not been presented for payment. A refund will be issued to your account within 2-3 business days. If you need further assistance, please contact customer service.
Payee Name: VERIZON WIRELESS
Payment Amount: $103.27
Payment Date: April 10 2006
I guess I somehow missed it balancing my checkbook (too busy with taxes, perhaps), but no complaints here!! Obviously, this could have happened anywhere, but for me, it reflects very well on my bank, too. (they're also open til 8pm and on Sundays!) And that's 100 bucks toward this year's higher bills due to overusage!
Isn't it odd that a corporate entity such as Verizon would manage to screw up and not deposit a consumer's check? As far as I know, they did not carry the charge over to the next bill. And if they did, it doesn't matter because I've still got an extra hundred bucks in my pocket.
That certainly made my day!
Sender: Commerce Bank
Subject: Refunded Payment - Verizon Wireless
Message: The check issued to this payee has not been presented for payment. A refund will be issued to your account within 2-3 business days. If you need further assistance, please contact customer service.
Payee Name: VERIZON WIRELESS
Payment Amount: $103.27
Payment Date: April 10 2006
I guess I somehow missed it balancing my checkbook (too busy with taxes, perhaps), but no complaints here!! Obviously, this could have happened anywhere, but for me, it reflects very well on my bank, too. (they're also open til 8pm and on Sundays!) And that's 100 bucks toward this year's higher bills due to overusage!
Isn't it odd that a corporate entity such as Verizon would manage to screw up and not deposit a consumer's check? As far as I know, they did not carry the charge over to the next bill. And if they did, it doesn't matter because I've still got an extra hundred bucks in my pocket.
That certainly made my day!
Friday, September 29, 2006
Stood Up-date
(part I in previous post)
So I was stood up on Tuesday night, but thoroughly confused as to why because we had a great email/phone rapport and he did not seem like the type of guy to do such a rude thing.
On Wednesday night, I considered going to a class that he said he was going to, just to meet him face-to-face to find out what happened. A friend advised me not to (she actually said it would be psychotic), so I reconsidered and left my would-be beau a voicemail instead. I expressed regret that we didn't meet up, but requested that he call me back to let me know what happened.
No response.
On Thursday night, I sent him a short email saying that I had been worried and asking him to do me the courtesy of replying to tell me what happened.
Then he replied! Very simple & to the point. He said he arrived at the restaurant 15 minutes early (at 7:15) and sat down at a table. His cellphone battery was dead. At 8:15, he ordered food to go and left (right about when I left also). He wrote that he thought I didn't show up.
However, I had been waiting outside the whole time! After arriving right on time and waiting about 10 minutes, I stepped inside to look at the posted menu and took a fast glance around, but as it was a blind date, I didn't want to roam the restaurant looking for a semi-familiar face from a tiny pixelated image. I was also very nervous (usually I am not so nervous on dates) and looked up the block, eagerly waiting for him. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And finally went on with my evening.
My perspective:
* If you were going on a first date, wouldn't you wait to meet the person at the entrance to the establishment? Every time I've gone on a first date, I've met the date at the door. It's only polite to meet at the door and be seated together, isn't it?
* If you were early for said first date and for some reason decided to sit down, wouldn't you be on the look-out for said date?
* If your cell phone battery were dead, wouldn't you take extra care to make sure you covered your bases? Including calling for your messages if you don't see your date after 45 minutes? But also checking the door of the restaurant (esp. at the designated meeting time), telling the hostess you're waiting for someone, sitting at a table outside or near the door, etc.?
I don't like to make accusations, but there is a chance he's lying. Does his story sound legit? His phone DID NOT go straight to voicemail when I called that night, meaning that unless it was broken, the battery was not dead, as he claimed. But other than that, were we both just idiotic? Does he have reason to be annoyed at me? Do I have reason to be annoyed at him? Does this incident mean it's not besheret (meant-to-be)? Or could it be a test?
I was really into him, but now I don't know what to do. At the very least, I will write him back a short message. A male friend of mine suggested that I apologize and "take one for the team." Even if the guy was at fault, too. And my friend couldn't believe that I didn't look around the restaurant. I don't know why I didn't look so hard. I think I just assumed he'd be waiting outside for me....
Questions for the peanut gallery:
Is either of us at fault?
Do you predict that I'll meet up with him again? Date him? Marry him?
only kidding.....sort of.....
So I was stood up on Tuesday night, but thoroughly confused as to why because we had a great email/phone rapport and he did not seem like the type of guy to do such a rude thing.
On Wednesday night, I considered going to a class that he said he was going to, just to meet him face-to-face to find out what happened. A friend advised me not to (she actually said it would be psychotic), so I reconsidered and left my would-be beau a voicemail instead. I expressed regret that we didn't meet up, but requested that he call me back to let me know what happened.
No response.
On Thursday night, I sent him a short email saying that I had been worried and asking him to do me the courtesy of replying to tell me what happened.
Then he replied! Very simple & to the point. He said he arrived at the restaurant 15 minutes early (at 7:15) and sat down at a table. His cellphone battery was dead. At 8:15, he ordered food to go and left (right about when I left also). He wrote that he thought I didn't show up.
However, I had been waiting outside the whole time! After arriving right on time and waiting about 10 minutes, I stepped inside to look at the posted menu and took a fast glance around, but as it was a blind date, I didn't want to roam the restaurant looking for a semi-familiar face from a tiny pixelated image. I was also very nervous (usually I am not so nervous on dates) and looked up the block, eagerly waiting for him. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And finally went on with my evening.
My perspective:
* If you were going on a first date, wouldn't you wait to meet the person at the entrance to the establishment? Every time I've gone on a first date, I've met the date at the door. It's only polite to meet at the door and be seated together, isn't it?
* If you were early for said first date and for some reason decided to sit down, wouldn't you be on the look-out for said date?
* If your cell phone battery were dead, wouldn't you take extra care to make sure you covered your bases? Including calling for your messages if you don't see your date after 45 minutes? But also checking the door of the restaurant (esp. at the designated meeting time), telling the hostess you're waiting for someone, sitting at a table outside or near the door, etc.?
I don't like to make accusations, but there is a chance he's lying. Does his story sound legit? His phone DID NOT go straight to voicemail when I called that night, meaning that unless it was broken, the battery was not dead, as he claimed. But other than that, were we both just idiotic? Does he have reason to be annoyed at me? Do I have reason to be annoyed at him? Does this incident mean it's not besheret (meant-to-be)? Or could it be a test?
I was really into him, but now I don't know what to do. At the very least, I will write him back a short message. A male friend of mine suggested that I apologize and "take one for the team." Even if the guy was at fault, too. And my friend couldn't believe that I didn't look around the restaurant. I don't know why I didn't look so hard. I think I just assumed he'd be waiting outside for me....
Questions for the peanut gallery:
Is either of us at fault?
Do you predict that I'll meet up with him again? Date him? Marry him?
only kidding.....sort of.....
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Stood Up
Yep. I was stood up this evening. For the very first time. Ordinarily (were such a situation to occur), I would have been annoyed and a little disappointed, but tonight, I was bewildered and a lot disappointed.
It's wrong to set your expectations too high, but I was really into this guy (I met him online.) He seems very genuine. Down-to-earth. Funny. Sentimental. Self-aware. Connected to Judaism & Israel. He's also older than the men I usually date: 35. But I overlooked the age thing because I thought he had so much potential.
He chose a really nifty little cafe in the Village for us to meet at tonight. And then he didn't show :( I was antsy while I was waiting, but I wasn't really annoyed because I'm always the late one. I felt like I was getting a taste of my own medicine. Worry and disappointment were really the emotions I experienced, not anger.
In any case, after 30 minutes, I left him a voicemail. After 45 minutes, I browsed the bookstore next door. And after 60 minutes, I headed down the street, and treated myself to a lovely meal at a French bistro with live music. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And deserved it. My evening ended up just fine, but I do hope everything is okay with him. :(
And I'll let you know when I hear more...
PS Have any of you ever stood up a date? If so, why & what happened?
It's wrong to set your expectations too high, but I was really into this guy (I met him online.) He seems very genuine. Down-to-earth. Funny. Sentimental. Self-aware. Connected to Judaism & Israel. He's also older than the men I usually date: 35. But I overlooked the age thing because I thought he had so much potential.
He chose a really nifty little cafe in the Village for us to meet at tonight. And then he didn't show :( I was antsy while I was waiting, but I wasn't really annoyed because I'm always the late one. I felt like I was getting a taste of my own medicine. Worry and disappointment were really the emotions I experienced, not anger.
In any case, after 30 minutes, I left him a voicemail. After 45 minutes, I browsed the bookstore next door. And after 60 minutes, I headed down the street, and treated myself to a lovely meal at a French bistro with live music. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And deserved it. My evening ended up just fine, but I do hope everything is okay with him. :(
And I'll let you know when I hear more...
PS Have any of you ever stood up a date? If so, why & what happened?
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
New York City and Education
Read the below quote from an ad for an event at the JCC.
"Applying to school can be an overwhelming and anxiety-producing process. Join our distinguished panel to get some of your questions answered: when to apply... how to choose the right school for your child, interviews, first choice letters, and how to survive the process."
Sounds just like applying to college, right? Well, I left out the third word in that blurb. That word is "nursery." Applying to nursery school is as stressful as applying to college. Just ridiculous!
This is only one of the many reasons I refuse to raise my children in Manhattan.
"Applying to school can be an overwhelming and anxiety-producing process. Join our distinguished panel to get some of your questions answered: when to apply... how to choose the right school for your child, interviews, first choice letters, and how to survive the process."
Sounds just like applying to college, right? Well, I left out the third word in that blurb. That word is "nursery." Applying to nursery school is as stressful as applying to college. Just ridiculous!
This is only one of the many reasons I refuse to raise my children in Manhattan.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Labor Day & Other Musings
Haha. An Israeli friend of mine asked me if "Labor Day" referred to giving birth or to work. I replied "giving birth" with a straight face and looked him right in the eye for about 5 seconds before cracking up.
On that note, it would most certainly be disrespectful were I to work today. "Work" as in looking for work! Instead I will probably go hang out in Central Park. There is a frum gathering (frum means Orthodox Jews), but I am so sick of that "scene," that I will avoid it altogether.
Yesterday, I had a nice mini-PDA session in CP with this guy I just started dating. The unfortunate thing is that I'm not really that into him. He's cute and fun, but I just don't feel a deeper connection. I don't think he does either, but he does seem to like me more than I like him. And then I get into the "pretend" game because it's just fun to walk around holding hands and smooching. After he closes a couple deals, he wants to take me on vacation. Why not?! (I have my doubts that this would materialize, but it would be cool!) What I also like about him is that he respects me and isn't so sex-obsessed. Or at least not outwardly so. It's been 3 dates, but I haven't invited him up and we've just had fun going out. I guess this is "dating" in my mom's old-fashioned way. It's so different from the experiences I've had in the past. I must admit that I like it, though if we go on vacation, we'd be sleeping together. Even if I plan not to, I don't have that kind of self-control with a sexy Israeli :)
I went out dancing the other night. It happened to be one of these clubs where everyone just did their own thing. No judgments. Just wild crazy dancing and having fun. I was with some girlfriends. Hanging out with gfs is sometimes more fun than mixed company.
Anyway, I'm going into this coming month UNINSURED. Not that it's such an uncommon thing. I used to think that those ststistics of how many Americans were uninsured referred to the low-income demographic, but I've realized over the last few years that is not necessarily the case. I have peers who ride life by the seat of their pants, without insurance. Keep your fingers crossed that nothing terrible happens to me (though I can sign up for a policy that would be retroactive to Sept. 1st).
I am writing for the sake of writing right now, but it's actually in response to a couple emails I received (yes, I have fans!) Some people want to hear what's new in my life. That is pretty neat.
In any case, I cannot meet up with anyone because that would mean disclosing my identity. Even my best friends don't know about this blog. I like having an audience, but I'm writing my innermost secrets here and would be mortified to meet a stranger who knew me so intimately.
Keep the comments coming! And/or email me at singlegalnyc@hotmail.com
On that note, it would most certainly be disrespectful were I to work today. "Work" as in looking for work! Instead I will probably go hang out in Central Park. There is a frum gathering (frum means Orthodox Jews), but I am so sick of that "scene," that I will avoid it altogether.
Yesterday, I had a nice mini-PDA session in CP with this guy I just started dating. The unfortunate thing is that I'm not really that into him. He's cute and fun, but I just don't feel a deeper connection. I don't think he does either, but he does seem to like me more than I like him. And then I get into the "pretend" game because it's just fun to walk around holding hands and smooching. After he closes a couple deals, he wants to take me on vacation. Why not?! (I have my doubts that this would materialize, but it would be cool!) What I also like about him is that he respects me and isn't so sex-obsessed. Or at least not outwardly so. It's been 3 dates, but I haven't invited him up and we've just had fun going out. I guess this is "dating" in my mom's old-fashioned way. It's so different from the experiences I've had in the past. I must admit that I like it, though if we go on vacation, we'd be sleeping together. Even if I plan not to, I don't have that kind of self-control with a sexy Israeli :)
I went out dancing the other night. It happened to be one of these clubs where everyone just did their own thing. No judgments. Just wild crazy dancing and having fun. I was with some girlfriends. Hanging out with gfs is sometimes more fun than mixed company.
Anyway, I'm going into this coming month UNINSURED. Not that it's such an uncommon thing. I used to think that those ststistics of how many Americans were uninsured referred to the low-income demographic, but I've realized over the last few years that is not necessarily the case. I have peers who ride life by the seat of their pants, without insurance. Keep your fingers crossed that nothing terrible happens to me (though I can sign up for a policy that would be retroactive to Sept. 1st).
I am writing for the sake of writing right now, but it's actually in response to a couple emails I received (yes, I have fans!) Some people want to hear what's new in my life. That is pretty neat.
In any case, I cannot meet up with anyone because that would mean disclosing my identity. Even my best friends don't know about this blog. I like having an audience, but I'm writing my innermost secrets here and would be mortified to meet a stranger who knew me so intimately.
Keep the comments coming! And/or email me at singlegalnyc@hotmail.com
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Things about me
(in no particular order)
(this has been a work in progress)
1. My favorite color is turquoise.
2. I am a nice Jewish girl in New York, but I am not a JAP.
3. I am bipolar.
4. I am grossly underpaid.
5. I graduated college with highest honors.
6. I drink lots of water.
7. I recently got addicted to Sudoku.
8. My little sister is getting married.
9. It takes me 10 minutes to choose an ice cream flavor.
10. I hate shopping. Mostly because I can't afford anything.
11. I miss sex.
12. I have lots of photos that are not yet in albums.
13. I will never ever use anything but Tide and Skippy (for detergent & PB, that is!)
14. I wonder if I've already met my soulmate (besheret).
15. I am a good shmoozer, but it's not my favorite activity.
16. I love play-doh. I might buy some for myself.
17. I don't have a doorman.
18. I have furniture that came off the street.
19. I might start playing tennis again.
20. I give dirty looks to rude people in subway stations.
21. Sushi is a recent obsession. And anything else with avocado.
22. My neighborhood keeps getting trendier. I like to think I am a trend-setter.
23. I need a vacation. Like I *really* need a vacation.
24. I'm not so great at holding down jobs.
25. I want to grow up. Or revert back to age 8.
26. I am genuine and generous and ingenious. Okay, maybe not ingenious.
27. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. This sometimes gets me in trouble.
28. I write to journalists and Congressman regarding Israel mostly.
29. I hide my medications and am paranoid that people will find out my condition. It's such a stigma.
30. I enjoy going to events alone. It allows me more freedom. I met an ex this way.
31. I can't stand pretension.
32. I went to 2 movies alone last week. It was very liberating.
33. I haven't been on a date in 4 months.
34. I haven't had sex in 11 months.
35. I have 5 dates this coming week. When it rains, it pours.
36. I have 2 best friends and I love them. I wonder if they know.
37. I love playing in the rain. I usually leave my umbrella at home.
38. I collect cool magnets. And shot glasses.
39. I've been to Disney World 3 times.
40. I've been to Israel 7 times.
41. I've been in love once. In Israel.
42. I have a pretty mean conscience. I guess this is a good thing.
43. I can be very flirty. I can also be very misleading. Unintentionally.
44. I am always late. Always.
45. My last date told me I was gorgeous and sweet and special. Wow, ego boost.
46. I save my spare change for tzedakah. Except quarters go to the laundry fund :)
47. I feel like I lose friends when they get married.
48. I'm my grandma's favorite (of 9) and she has told me so. She rocks. I love her so much.
49. It is very hard for me to stay on task.
50. I learned to ride my bike at the beach.
51. My dad taught me how to parallel park. I've gotten into NYC spaces with one inch on each side. I exaggerate not.
52. My mom is my pillar of strength. But she's also a pain in my ass.
53. I am trying to figure out where I am Jewishly.
54. I am not a fan of the "real world." And I don't mean the show.
54 is good. It's triple chai. Enough for today. Maybe another day, I'll have some more interesting & random facts about me.
(this has been a work in progress)
1. My favorite color is turquoise.
2. I am a nice Jewish girl in New York, but I am not a JAP.
3. I am bipolar.
4. I am grossly underpaid.
5. I graduated college with highest honors.
6. I drink lots of water.
7. I recently got addicted to Sudoku.
8. My little sister is getting married.
9. It takes me 10 minutes to choose an ice cream flavor.
10. I hate shopping. Mostly because I can't afford anything.
11. I miss sex.
12. I have lots of photos that are not yet in albums.
13. I will never ever use anything but Tide and Skippy (for detergent & PB, that is!)
14. I wonder if I've already met my soulmate (besheret).
15. I am a good shmoozer, but it's not my favorite activity.
16. I love play-doh. I might buy some for myself.
17. I don't have a doorman.
18. I have furniture that came off the street.
19. I might start playing tennis again.
20. I give dirty looks to rude people in subway stations.
21. Sushi is a recent obsession. And anything else with avocado.
22. My neighborhood keeps getting trendier. I like to think I am a trend-setter.
23. I need a vacation. Like I *really* need a vacation.
24. I'm not so great at holding down jobs.
25. I want to grow up. Or revert back to age 8.
26. I am genuine and generous and ingenious. Okay, maybe not ingenious.
27. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. This sometimes gets me in trouble.
28. I write to journalists and Congressman regarding Israel mostly.
29. I hide my medications and am paranoid that people will find out my condition. It's such a stigma.
30. I enjoy going to events alone. It allows me more freedom. I met an ex this way.
31. I can't stand pretension.
32. I went to 2 movies alone last week. It was very liberating.
33. I haven't been on a date in 4 months.
34. I haven't had sex in 11 months.
35. I have 5 dates this coming week. When it rains, it pours.
36. I have 2 best friends and I love them. I wonder if they know.
37. I love playing in the rain. I usually leave my umbrella at home.
38. I collect cool magnets. And shot glasses.
39. I've been to Disney World 3 times.
40. I've been to Israel 7 times.
41. I've been in love once. In Israel.
42. I have a pretty mean conscience. I guess this is a good thing.
43. I can be very flirty. I can also be very misleading. Unintentionally.
44. I am always late. Always.
45. My last date told me I was gorgeous and sweet and special. Wow, ego boost.
46. I save my spare change for tzedakah. Except quarters go to the laundry fund :)
47. I feel like I lose friends when they get married.
48. I'm my grandma's favorite (of 9) and she has told me so. She rocks. I love her so much.
49. It is very hard for me to stay on task.
50. I learned to ride my bike at the beach.
51. My dad taught me how to parallel park. I've gotten into NYC spaces with one inch on each side. I exaggerate not.
52. My mom is my pillar of strength. But she's also a pain in my ass.
53. I am trying to figure out where I am Jewishly.
54. I am not a fan of the "real world." And I don't mean the show.
54 is good. It's triple chai. Enough for today. Maybe another day, I'll have some more interesting & random facts about me.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Double Whammy
I've always been sensitive to comments that people make about something being "retarded," "so gay," etc. Schizo was a term I never used to think as much about and used it occasionally myself to denote certain situations.
But now I am SO much more aware of how horrible it is to joke about mental issues, sexual preferences, etc. It's just so wrong.
Over the course of the last year or so, I have been faced with comments about bpd and had to cringe (can't say grin, in this case) and bear it. Last night there were two. I'm glad it was a sad movie because my teary eyes (and almost more) would have been normal if noticed.
Here were the two comments:
1. In the movie we were watching, there is a discussion about whether or not this woman was unfit to be a mother and about her husband threatening to hospitalize her. My friend's friend said, "It's nothing a little Lithium can't help." Yes, a mood stabilizer can (no shit) STABILIZE, but it can't CURE, and to make such a comment/joke was extremely insensitive and hurt me deep down.
2. Recently a friend of mine was having a helluva time with disputing a charge on her credit card. She went through several representatives who all told her different things and she was potentially going to lose hundreds of dollars. In describing ths situation, she threw up her arms and said, "They are just so bipolar/schizophrenic." Then she said she shouldn't have said that...i.e. realized it was an exaggeration and insensitive, because this is one of the sweetest people I know. To hear it come out of her mouth was a bit of a shock.
In any case, I'm sad.
The two types of cases (I'm apparently into lists tonight!) I've heard about BPD are:
1. the "success & struggle & ultimate triumph" stories of celebrities and others who have managed to publish books and have happy successful, if sometimes troubled, lives.
2. the sad stories of estrangement, alienation, troubled childhoods, strained relationships and weariness from having a mother/spouse/child with it (or depression or other mental problems).
I fear that my life will be more of #2 than #1. Not to sound like a broken record, but will I meet a man who can handle it all? What are the risks of devastation, etc. to my children? I will have to go off meds to be pregnant (I believe this is true, or perhaps it just majorly increases risks to baby's health) and potentially have major relapses. Is it worth it for me to pursue a conventional path of love, marriage, family? What if it gets all f'ed up because of my problems?
I wish I knew someone in my situation. A nice single Jewish girl in her 20s just trying to have a happy life, make ends meet, etc. There must be many out there, but I don't know where to find them. If you know someone, please put me in touch. It would be nice to have a pen-pal who could relate... singlegalnyc@hotmail.com
But now I am SO much more aware of how horrible it is to joke about mental issues, sexual preferences, etc. It's just so wrong.
Over the course of the last year or so, I have been faced with comments about bpd and had to cringe (can't say grin, in this case) and bear it. Last night there were two. I'm glad it was a sad movie because my teary eyes (and almost more) would have been normal if noticed.
Here were the two comments:
1. In the movie we were watching, there is a discussion about whether or not this woman was unfit to be a mother and about her husband threatening to hospitalize her. My friend's friend said, "It's nothing a little Lithium can't help." Yes, a mood stabilizer can (no shit) STABILIZE, but it can't CURE, and to make such a comment/joke was extremely insensitive and hurt me deep down.
2. Recently a friend of mine was having a helluva time with disputing a charge on her credit card. She went through several representatives who all told her different things and she was potentially going to lose hundreds of dollars. In describing ths situation, she threw up her arms and said, "They are just so bipolar/schizophrenic." Then she said she shouldn't have said that...i.e. realized it was an exaggeration and insensitive, because this is one of the sweetest people I know. To hear it come out of her mouth was a bit of a shock.
In any case, I'm sad.
The two types of cases (I'm apparently into lists tonight!) I've heard about BPD are:
1. the "success & struggle & ultimate triumph" stories of celebrities and others who have managed to publish books and have happy successful, if sometimes troubled, lives.
2. the sad stories of estrangement, alienation, troubled childhoods, strained relationships and weariness from having a mother/spouse/child with it (or depression or other mental problems).
I fear that my life will be more of #2 than #1. Not to sound like a broken record, but will I meet a man who can handle it all? What are the risks of devastation, etc. to my children? I will have to go off meds to be pregnant (I believe this is true, or perhaps it just majorly increases risks to baby's health) and potentially have major relapses. Is it worth it for me to pursue a conventional path of love, marriage, family? What if it gets all f'ed up because of my problems?
I wish I knew someone in my situation. A nice single Jewish girl in her 20s just trying to have a happy life, make ends meet, etc. There must be many out there, but I don't know where to find them. If you know someone, please put me in touch. It would be nice to have a pen-pal who could relate... singlegalnyc@hotmail.com
Friday, March 17, 2006
It Could Be Worse
Leave it to a stand-up comic to instill some inspiration in me. I don't exactly remember the context, but the point was all in the delivery. "It Could Be Worse." And it was funny. People laughed. A friend of mine performed too. He was one of the best comics there :)
Anyway, it (LIFE) could be worse. A guy stopped me politely on the street when I got out of the subway at midnight. He asked me if I was familiar with the pizza/deli place across the street. I said, "Not really. Why?" and he asked me if I could get him some pizza? So I said sure and accompanied him to the pizza place, making a bit of small talk on the way. I want to think I did it out of the kindness of my heart, but I think I also did it because I felt guilty that I hadn't yet fulfilled the Purim mitzvah of giving to the poor.
In any case, he gave me some perspective. I asked how long he's been in NYC and he said his whole life, and on the streets for two years. This pizza was the first food he was eating all day. I asked about food/soup kitchens and he said he goes, but they are not available every day. I asked if he had a place to sleep. "On the subway," he said. "Hopefully I'll crash after I eat this pizza."
I told him that I got a deal on bread: 2 loaves for $2 and told him where to get it. I suggested that it could last a couple weeks! He got excited when I brought this up.
He said his hands were cold. I gave him my gloves. He needs them more than I do. I have other pairs. Those are easily replaceable.
That's the story. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to eat pizza for an hour and pick his brain and hear about his "side of the tracks." (really bad pun NOT intended.)
Why is he worse off? Why doesn't he have family/friends to help him out? If I had a relative or friend in such a position, how much could I help? I could let someone crash with me for 2 weeks, but could I then dismiss him and sit idly by as he roams the streets begging for change?
I may b*tch and complain about lack of career path, lack of money/stress about finances, lack of motivation, frustration in finding a really good guy (with whom I am compatible and who has a big enough heart and strong enough feelings for me to deal with all of my MENTAL SHIT), this stifling city, and the *(*#@^$* bpd itself, but ultimately IT COULD BE WORSE.
Upon reflecting on this incident on my walk home, my brain briefly went into "manic mode," and I thought, "WOW, I could totally interview homeless people and gain so much perspective and put together a book about it and figure out ways to address the crisis." It makes me nervous when manic stuff comes out. Funnily enough, often it comes out in the form of, "Damn, that is SO F'N COOL. I should WRITE A BOOK about it and I could do this and this and this." Fortunately, I am not a dimwit and I recognize that when I bring this up, I'm starting to go manic.....or is that a mistake? Perhaps, I SHOULD be writing about issues that have a powerful impact on me...I mean, I am a strong writer and a great researcher... Hmmmm.... The fine line between normalcy and mania is frustrating as hell! I just don't know who I really am and what ideas/thoughts/plans/actions are reasonable and what is TOO off-the-wall.
....BUT IT COULD BE WORSE...
Anyway, it (LIFE) could be worse. A guy stopped me politely on the street when I got out of the subway at midnight. He asked me if I was familiar with the pizza/deli place across the street. I said, "Not really. Why?" and he asked me if I could get him some pizza? So I said sure and accompanied him to the pizza place, making a bit of small talk on the way. I want to think I did it out of the kindness of my heart, but I think I also did it because I felt guilty that I hadn't yet fulfilled the Purim mitzvah of giving to the poor.
In any case, he gave me some perspective. I asked how long he's been in NYC and he said his whole life, and on the streets for two years. This pizza was the first food he was eating all day. I asked about food/soup kitchens and he said he goes, but they are not available every day. I asked if he had a place to sleep. "On the subway," he said. "Hopefully I'll crash after I eat this pizza."
I told him that I got a deal on bread: 2 loaves for $2 and told him where to get it. I suggested that it could last a couple weeks! He got excited when I brought this up.
He said his hands were cold. I gave him my gloves. He needs them more than I do. I have other pairs. Those are easily replaceable.
That's the story. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to eat pizza for an hour and pick his brain and hear about his "side of the tracks." (really bad pun NOT intended.)
Why is he worse off? Why doesn't he have family/friends to help him out? If I had a relative or friend in such a position, how much could I help? I could let someone crash with me for 2 weeks, but could I then dismiss him and sit idly by as he roams the streets begging for change?
I may b*tch and complain about lack of career path, lack of money/stress about finances, lack of motivation, frustration in finding a really good guy (with whom I am compatible and who has a big enough heart and strong enough feelings for me to deal with all of my MENTAL SHIT), this stifling city, and the *(*#@^$* bpd itself, but ultimately IT COULD BE WORSE.
Upon reflecting on this incident on my walk home, my brain briefly went into "manic mode," and I thought, "WOW, I could totally interview homeless people and gain so much perspective and put together a book about it and figure out ways to address the crisis." It makes me nervous when manic stuff comes out. Funnily enough, often it comes out in the form of, "Damn, that is SO F'N COOL. I should WRITE A BOOK about it and I could do this and this and this." Fortunately, I am not a dimwit and I recognize that when I bring this up, I'm starting to go manic.....or is that a mistake? Perhaps, I SHOULD be writing about issues that have a powerful impact on me...I mean, I am a strong writer and a great researcher... Hmmmm.... The fine line between normalcy and mania is frustrating as hell! I just don't know who I really am and what ideas/thoughts/plans/actions are reasonable and what is TOO off-the-wall.
....BUT IT COULD BE WORSE...
Thursday, January 26, 2006
If I committed suicide...
...how many people would come to my funeral?
Does anyone ever wonder that?
Recently, a girl my age was hit by a car. She got 400 (to the funeral). It was a "tragedy." The community rallied together. A friend of a friend told me she was sick of hearing about it. Do people get idolized too much in death?
I guess I'd be pitied if I committed suicide. Lots of hushed whispers. What ifs. Why didn't I know? Why did no one know? She seemed so happy. Life was going her way. Lots of gossiping.
What if I died the regular way? What would be different? Less pity. More sympathy. No family shame. No Jewish shame.
Why am I so morbid?
What would the world be without me? Would much be different? How many people do I matter to anyway? No more than a handful. Worth preserving my life for? Do I matter to myself? Will I ever matter to anyone who wants to marry me and have a family, despite my problems? And if I do, could we still be happy? Would I succeed at not alientating, like so many others I know with depression & bpd?
What terrible thoughts. Yet thoughts nonetheless. I'm not really suicidal. Just introspective. And really really sad when I think about my future. (And my present).
Does anyone ever wonder that?
Recently, a girl my age was hit by a car. She got 400 (to the funeral). It was a "tragedy." The community rallied together. A friend of a friend told me she was sick of hearing about it. Do people get idolized too much in death?
I guess I'd be pitied if I committed suicide. Lots of hushed whispers. What ifs. Why didn't I know? Why did no one know? She seemed so happy. Life was going her way. Lots of gossiping.
What if I died the regular way? What would be different? Less pity. More sympathy. No family shame. No Jewish shame.
Why am I so morbid?
What would the world be without me? Would much be different? How many people do I matter to anyway? No more than a handful. Worth preserving my life for? Do I matter to myself? Will I ever matter to anyone who wants to marry me and have a family, despite my problems? And if I do, could we still be happy? Would I succeed at not alientating, like so many others I know with depression & bpd?
What terrible thoughts. Yet thoughts nonetheless. I'm not really suicidal. Just introspective. And really really sad when I think about my future. (And my present).
Monday, January 09, 2006
What's up with that?
There's this guy:
1. I dated him.
2. It lasted about a month.
3. Then he dumped me to be just "friends."
4. Now he calls me constantly, invites me places and invites himself over my place.
5. And he tries to hook up with me. (Usually I acquiesce!)
What is up?? I should give him the cold shoulder until he wants to properly date me and take me out, but honestly, I don't really feel jerked around because I'm "just not that into him." (like that book: "He's Just Not That Into You.") We have fun together and he certainly makes me laugh, but he's definitely not my besheret (soulmate).
Hmmmm.... not requesting advice... Just commenting on screwed up guys. I mean, he's in his early 30s... you'd think he would be a bit more serious by now. Can we say "COMMITMENT ISSUES" ??
Cheers...
1. I dated him.
2. It lasted about a month.
3. Then he dumped me to be just "friends."
4. Now he calls me constantly, invites me places and invites himself over my place.
5. And he tries to hook up with me. (Usually I acquiesce!)
What is up?? I should give him the cold shoulder until he wants to properly date me and take me out, but honestly, I don't really feel jerked around because I'm "just not that into him." (like that book: "He's Just Not That Into You.") We have fun together and he certainly makes me laugh, but he's definitely not my besheret (soulmate).
Hmmmm.... not requesting advice... Just commenting on screwed up guys. I mean, he's in his early 30s... you'd think he would be a bit more serious by now. Can we say "COMMITMENT ISSUES" ??
Cheers...
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